How can I become comfortable being gay?

[juk]

Hi Hellie,

Can I ask a question? I kind of wonder if you feel you are Bi or Gay. Not that it matters what you call it, but I just wondered if you had come out as Bi because it felt safer than saying you are gay. I could be wrong there, but just wanted to ask.

What kind of relationship do you have with your family? You have come out to them, but I wonder if you have really talked to them about how you feel in regards to fears of them rejecting you etc. Chances are they may feel unable to say things for fear of making you uncomfortable - by that I mean the 'she's hot' kind of comments. It took ages before my mum would make such comments, and ages after that before my sister were able to.

I think that there is often a lot of pressure on people to come out with the thought that once thats done confetti will rain down leaving the person who has come out feeling totally secure in their sexuality and in reality its often just another, albeit important, step in the process.

Have a search online and I am sure you will be able to find a local group of some sort where you can go and form new friendships and start to discover yourself. Counselling is good, but I always remind people that there are good and bad counsellors, plus different counsellors suit different people, so if you feel its not helping then try a different counsellor.

Hang in there, you are still on a journey of self discovery - you will find your way eventually :-)

JJ

[Genersis]

I think that's definitely a part of it too. I mean, I also get nervous when I see blatant sexual acts on tv with my family, even if it is between a man and a woman. However, when it's between a gay couple, it can be something as mundane as the couple staring at each other intently or holding hands or kissing, ect. So even these really non-sexual acts still get me to feel nervous. And of course the actual sexual acts make me very uncomfortable.

It's mostly when I'm around other people who know I'm gay because I feel as though they are thinking, "Well she must be getting turned on by her.." or by "this and that" and that makes me very uncomfortable. If I'm on my own, I don't get as embarrassed, although sometimes I do. It's just that seeing gay people (men or women) together isn't that common for me so it will either excite me a lot or embarrass me. And even though that sounds quite contradictory, it happens to me (when I'm alone) depending on the movie, book, couple, circumstance, ect.

Would Have to say I feel the same way in all the situations above!

It's like this show I saw on Oprah talking about some of the racists stereotypes we have, and the example given was how when we (it was mostly about 'women') walk in a dark or solitary street we tend to feel nervous or scared when we see black men but not so much when we see white men. Well, the notable discovery of that research was that it also happened to black women. So, black women too held this stereotype over black men.

Interesting!

Well, for me, even though I'm a gay, I still have some stereotypes in grained in me, like recently I've caught myself saying or thinking, "That's so gay" to situations where men are doing something that isn't positive, and I know that comes from a place of hate and ignorance and it's so strange because I can't believe I'm gay and saying stupid things like that. I mean, I'm trying to get better. I'm catching myself saying these things and consciously stopping, but these thoughts *are* on my mind.

My friend says "Thats Gay" at things he finds frustrating.
I find it anoying, but not insulting, Mainly because saying gay in these situations don't make no sense!(unless you beleave "Gay" means "bad"/"Fucked up")

Ha! Thanks! :redface:

You're welcome!

[Hellie]

Can I ask a question? I kind of wonder if you feel you are Bi or Gay. Not that it matters what you call it, but I just wondered if you had come out as Bi because it felt safer than saying you are gay. I could be wrong there, but just wanted to ask.

Quite embarrassingly I can't really answer that question because I don't know. I used to be confident in my "bisexuality" because I have this belief, I guess you could say, that sexuality isn't just black and white (ie., gay or straight) but something that runs on a continuum and no one really falls on either extreme, but somewhere closer to the middle, so in essence everyone to a degree is bisexual.

But I don't know because I don't think I could have really come out and said, "I'm a lesbian" and I don't really know if that's because deep down inside I don't think that's true or because deep down inside I'm too ashamed of admitting that.

For instance, I'm still 'in love' with my old high school crush and that keeps me definitely thinking I'm bisexual because he is a guy, but I don't know if i'm still in love with him because he's a fantasy guy for me or what? But my feelings for him at least in the past were real. He made me nervous, fluttery, and I would think about him all the time.

The weird thing is that I tend to get crushes on men but become aroused by women in person. Online as far as celebrities and things like that I do form crushes on women but in person I think I've had like one crush on a woman and that was it. But physically a woman passes by and I'll definitely get turned on if she's attractive.

I don't know what that's all about though. It's kind of confusing being me and being a person who feels attracted to both sexes but also know that she has a lot of personal issues including issues with homosexuality that could be "inorganically" causing either of these emotions.

On the flip-side, I was in a relationship with a woman when I was younger that a friend of mine theorized could have colored my perspective on sexuality, because prior to this encounter I never fantasized about women. So, some have argued to me that my homosexuality made be the one that is false. This encounter was sexual and we were both kids and I guess experimenting although I wasn't sexually curious at that time and only went along because she was my best friend. So, I don't know if this was a coercive act or something that could be construed as abusive but if it was it could have resulted in some of my current feelings, at least that is what a friend I discussed this with at some point had told me.

What kind of relationship do you have with your family?

I'm not really sure how to describe my relationship with my family but as far as my mother and two siblings, I guess some words used to describe the relationship would be "close" and "loving." I mean it's a good solid relationship; however, we aren't really as open with certain things, sex, sexuality, ect being among the things we don't normally discuss one way or another.

My mother grew up in a household without a father, with two brothers in gangs, and with a mother who worked so much that my mother and her brothers were constantly going from friend's home to friend's home. So, she never had stability and she never had a strong relationship with her parents so her showing emotions is difficult. She's not 100% comfortable saying things like "I love you" or hugging and kissing her kids, although with us you can tell she really tries, but it just falls a little bit flat sometimes.

Anyway, based on that, I guess I didn't grow up being as emotionally open as I could have, and so there are a lot of topics that I just feel uncomfortable one way or another discussing.

About homosexuality, neither my mom or siblings have a problem with it *however* they hold a lot of misconceptions and stereotypes about homosexuality that are negative, such as gay men are weak, silly, and flamboyant (like all the time) and gay women tend to be butch and mean.

Also, if we're in public and I even mention the word "gay" then my mother will turn red and tell me "Shhh!" with this really flustered look on her face, though the same goes for non-gay topics like sex in general.

You have come out to them, but I wonder if you have really talked to them about how you feel in regards to fears of them rejecting you etc.

Well, when I first came out to them the first thing I said was that I was telling them this because I wanted to know how they felt and if this would change the way they'd feel about me. My siblings reacted really oddly. My brother was just like "Okay." And then sort of continued what he was doing and I asked, "So that's it? Don't you care?" And he was like "No" and I was too embarrassed to continue prying after I had already talked so much. My sister was very similar. She just shrugged and said it was fine. Though she did ask "Are you going to tell dad?" to which I was like "No." I dont talk to my dad about anything personal. Nothing. I wouldn't even know how to approach him about this or anything else really. We're just not close. Then my mother well she was relieved because she thought I was going to tell her something really bad and she was like, "Thats it??" And I was like "Yeah, I mean are you still going to feel the same way you are about me now?" And she told me that she would and she didn't care at all and she didn't know why I thought she would care and I told her I didn't know but a lot of people, good, bad, nice, mean, *do* care and you can never tell.

Chances are they may feel unable to say things for fear of making you uncomfortable - by that I mean the 'she's hot' kind of comments. It took ages before my mum would make such comments, and ages after that before my sister were able to.

It just feels odd to me because when I make comments about men I'll usually get really big reactions. I tend to be sort of the "clown" in the family and when I make comments about men everyone will laugh and start making their own jokes but the few times I say the same comments about women there is just this awkward pause and I know that no one knows what to say or how to react and THAT makes everything that much more awkward for me.

But the person who I'm most comfortable with right now is my mother. So with her I have been making more and more comments during these past few days. My sister...I can make the comments but I feel more tension with her somehow, and with my brother I can't even try to make any comments like this because I'm too embarrassed. I mean, what if he's like "Yeah she's totally hot." That's gross. That's my brother. The least I know about him and his sexual thoughts, the better! I mean, I may be gay but I'm still a girl and I didn't grow up with a lot of guy friends talking about "(straight guy) conversations" so that to me is just uncomfortable on a whole other level!

I think that there is often a lot of pressure on people to come out with the thought that once thats done confetti will rain down leaving the person who has come out feeling totally secure in their sexuality and in reality its often just another, albeit important, step in the process.

True. I felt really good for about 24 hours and then didn't know where to go from there because even though I found acceptance in my family I wasn't sure how to move forward anywhere else.

Have a search online and I am sure you will be able to find a local group of some sort where you can go and form new friendships and start to discover yourself. Counselling is good, but I always remind people that there are good and bad counsellors, plus different counsellors suit different people, so if you feel its not helping then try a different counsellor.

Thanks and I know about counselors. I mean, at this point my issues have issue! lol I love counseling, respect the field, and definitely understand to try and try again until I find some type of professional support that is helpful for me.

Hang in there, you are still on a journey of self discovery - you will find your way eventually :-)

JJ

Thanks again! mile:

[Hellie]

Would Have to say I feel the same way in all the situations above!

And it sucks, doesn't it? I mean, damn it I do get turned on by women, not all the damn time, but sometimes, and why should I always feel so ashamed about it when I'm around friends and family?

My friend says "Thats Gay" at things he finds frustrating.
I find it anoying, but not insulting, Mainly because saying gay in these situations don't make no sense!(unless you beleave "Gay" means "bad"/"Fucked up")

Well I disagree. It is insulting because it's meant to be insulting. I don't care if being gay is not something that you or I feel is "bad" the point is that those tossing around the "that's gay" remarks are doing so as an insult and in situations where people (mostly men) are behaving in ways that are out of the norm.

If anyone watches Glee, there was an episode recently where one of the main characters got upset with a gay character in the series and started insulting his room by saying things like "And get rid of this faggy sheets, and these faggy decorations, ect" and the father of the gay character heard this and got extremely upset and the kid saying these things began to apologize and say that he didn't mean the word "fag" in a bad way and the dad said he knew exactly how he meant it because he was his age once and he used the word in exactly the same way and it came from a place of hate.

Well, that's how I feel about the remark "that's so gay" it comes from a place of ignorance and ultimately hatred and nonacceptance for what is different.

[Amigo]

Hi Hellie..

Just a quick question... have you ever had sex with a woman before?

[eastofeden]

The weird thing is that I tend to get crushes on men but become aroused by women in person.

Well....I can relate to that but I don't think it is wierd (I used to), I have always been gay and came out in HS about five minutes after it occured to me and I never had a sexual identity situation but I have always had "crushes" on women...just missing the sexual attraction part but I think they are all sexy as hell. I still hav a crush on the same women I first had a crush on...Katharine Ross. My other crushes: Gina Gershon, Drew Barrymore, Milla Jovovich, Sigourney Weaver, Dyan Cannon, Carole King, Mariska Hargitay, Maura Tierney, Angela Basset, Parker Posey, Lili Taylor, Lily Tomlin and my newest crush is Kristen Chenowithmile:

[J A Y]

Aw I often feel the same way. I came out to my family when I was about 12 and over the course of the next couple of months I was so ashamed I pretended it was just a phase and I went "back in" lol. Ten years on and I'm still not out to anyone. It's only recently I've started to feel more comfortable about being gay, but it hasn't come naturally at all. In fact I've really had to force gay things upon myself. I too am from a shitty backwards town where I'll be excomunicated when the day comes lol. My family where cool with it at the time (excepting one sister) but it was my own lack of acceptance that made me think they werent happy, if that makes any sense at all. Thats why I wanna make damn sure I'm happy with myself before I try round 2. Lately I've been trying to watch alot of gay themed films or tv shows, or films and tv shows with incidentally gay characters. Listening to music by gay artists or reading books and shit written by gay people. I'm sure this won't work for everyone, but I'm really into my movies and music so I guess thats why its working for me. Maybe find something thats a passion of yours and look into gay people who share that passion. I dunno why thats helped me... guess it makes the whole thing more normal?

Oh and Eastofeden Drew Barrymore, Milla Jovovich, and Sigourney Weaver are crushes of mine also. Heroines of mine I might go as far as to say! Damn smexy!