I don't know what to do about this guy...

[SrChulo]

The following is just MY opinion. I may make some assumptions, but... go with it...


Tuxsky:
First... You still haven't told us what kind of favors you would do for him that would make you seem "pathetic." That's somewhat important. When you read this question: "Are you still in love with him?" If the answer is yes, then I would be very careful becoming friends again. Were you happy during this past year? Have you tried to find love with someone else?

Assuming he is straight....... a gay guy in love with a straight guy trying to be friends tends to be a recipe for disaster. After years of bowing to his every wish, the gay guy eventually doesn't get what he SO MUCH desires from the relationship. The straight guy goes along just fine. A bro is a bro.

If you decide to become friends, you should try to tell him how you feel. It will save you years of what i described above. Plus, he might be gay himself. Don't rule that out!!!! Most best friends never have "homoerotic moments"


Conechvn... Maybe you should stick around here a little more. Maybe make some threads about your life too.

One thing to consider... You're about to graduate college. Try to put three years in perspective. You may think you know someone in three years, but that is an extremely short period of time. I've known my best friend for over 12 years and I still find out new things about him.

A note about seduction... I realize you say everything was legal, but don't think that just because you did the seducing that he is in the clear. That is irrelevant.

While I don't know you or your friend personally, it's certain that anyone who has consensual sex "countless" times with another man is gay. Or at least bisexual. Plus he wants you to only have sex with him? I don't want to judge, but you should know that this does not sound like a healthy relationship at all. I say that because it appears that his actions have a VERY big effect on you... he has power over you... he's manipulating you.

Remember... three years is nothing.... nothing nothing nothing. I think you know something is not right with this picture. Don't let three years be the factor that's keeping you from breaking free.

[marshlander]

... Also, even in the US, gays are discriminated. If I will graduate from college soon and I will have to go to the world where I have to choose to be gay or to be a successful man.

Sorry to talk to much about myself, but actually before I accidentally got into this forum, I had no one to share my story with. I hope that it will have the OP to relate to his own story and find a wise decision.

Thank you for sharing your story. I hope it helps to be able to be more open for a little while. To be honest, gays are discriminated against in every country, but sometimes we are our own worst enemies, particularly when we collude with those who would deny us equal and fair treatment. Had I realised I was gay I would never have entered marriage many years ago. It was not fair on my wife and it wasn't fair on me and trying to be a dutiful husband for decades was nearly the end of me. Being trapped in a straight marriage does not get easier over time. Quite the contrary, it gets more and more difficult.

Please think long and hard before you do enter into a marriage and, if you do go down this difficult route, at least make sure your bride to be knows the score before she is trapped in a marriage with someone who would be unable to meet all her needs or fulfil her rightful expectations.

[TuxSky]

Tuxsky:
First... You still haven't told us what kind of favors you would do for him that would make you seem "pathetic." That's somewhat important. When you read this question: "Are you still in love with him?" If the answer is yes, then I would be very careful becoming friends again. Were you happy during this past year? Have you tried to find love with someone else?

Assuming he is straight....... a gay guy in love with a straight guy trying to be friends tends to be a recipe for disaster. After years of bowing to his every wish, the gay guy eventually doesn't get what he SO MUCH desires from the relationship. The straight guy goes along just fine. A bro is a bro.

If you decide to become friends, you should try to tell him how you feel. It will save you years of what i described above. Plus, he might be gay himself. Don't rule that out!!!! Most best friends never have "homoerotic moments"

The things I used to do for him... I used to do his school work for him when he was tired or busy (he was really popular and was in lots of clubs, I was the total opposite), giving him whatever he wanted when he asked for it (I remember saving money to get him a cellphone) and sometimes even lieing to my other friends and family to spend time with him, I can't believe how stupid and blind I was back then!

Last night when we were speaking (on MSN) I noticed that as soon as his ex-girlfriend (they're still friends) went offline he just told me he had to go and left before I could even tell him bye, I felt.... unimportant, why couldn't he stay and talk to me some more? I was really happy we were talking like we used to too.

And yes, I think I'm still in love with him, whenever he talks to me I get all giddy and excited lol. Um, my life kind of went downhill after leaving lower secondary school. For upper secondary school, my friends and I ended up splitting up (we're still in contact, just not in the same school) and my mom died on like the second day of school. When I came back after that event (I missed like two weeks of school after she died), everyone had their established groups of friends already so I was kind of on the outside for a whole year. It's only till this term started that I made some friends. However, I did make some new friends outside of school right before I left lower secondary school. We're all really close, I came out to two (out of five) of them and they took it really well, I was so happy. It's really only in school and with him that I feel a bit sad, I'm really happy with my friends outside of school!

I haven't tried looking for love, I don't know where to start! And any gay person I find just wants sex, sigh. Between those horny guys and homophobes I'm just silent when it comes to looking for love.

And I don't know about telling him about my feelings, I'll think about it.

conechvn, are you telling me to get him drunk? LOL

EDIT : Oh and about those homoerotic moments, we were in a boy's only school so everyone used to pretend to be gay, we did it... a lot. I used to think that he liked it or something. One day I was playfully hugging him and playing with his hair and he told me how good it felt and how he just wanted to cuddle up with me. I felt so confused! lol

[posterpicture]

Thank you so much for all of the advices. I really appreciate them so much. It feels much better to be able to talk about this.

Tuxsky: you cracked me out when you mentioned getting him drunk. But I think you should consider it as an option. You never know. Sometimes, seduction is a form of communication mile:. Just kidding
Don't be sad about last night tho, he was off after his ex was off does not mean that he was off for her. Probably it 's just random.
It 's normal that you used to do everything for him and you was not stupid about that. Well, we are all like that when it comes to love.

@SrChulo: Maybe I am blind, but from what I have seen so far, everything my best friend does, he does it to give more benefits to other people than himself. He is nice to everyone, too nice that sometimes make me so jealous. That is the main reason why I love him so much. Also, I believe that I am the one who is manipulating him. I tricked him so many times. I am really selfish and really scare that he would date a girl and then pay attention to her more than to me. I did so many things to keep him not dating a girl.
Three years probably is nothing but every time, I look into his eyes, I know that I can not afford to lose him. Actually, he told me something like " I accept who you are but I believe that you are not gay, you are just confuse. I don't restrict you dating guys but it you do, it will hurt me and hurt this friendship a lot and we may not be able to recover from that." and also "you are normal so just be normal, find a cute girl, get marriage with her and have kid, name your kid my name, I know it 's your ultimate happiness".

@marshlander: thank you so much for your marriage advise. I really don't know what to do about that. Probably, I will give myself sometimes before doing anything. I am convincing myself that I am Bi not gay because when I first came to high school, I was a popular kid and I dated girls. I did not have sex with any girls but we did have erotic moments. That is why I think that I should give my hetero side a shot first, maybe my Mrs. Right is some where around there.

@eastofeden: I rather die than hurting my family. Probably, I will just hide from them forever, they do not live in a same country with me so it 's not like they will find out either way. Sorry to offend you about the career stuff, probably I am just inexperience. I will try to find out more by myself about that then.

[SrChulo]

I'm sorry about your mom, that must have been extremely, extremely hard. I can not imagine what you must have gone through.

Well, you say you can not believe how stupid and blind you were back then. I don't think you were stupid, you were young and in love. That's good that you realize it though, because friendship should be a two-way street, and it sounds like you were the only one really giving.

Yet, you still miss the way it was back then? (I'm gathering this from when you said you talked to him on MSN). Is it safe to say that he hasn't changed much? He signed off w/o letting you say goodbye. Okay, there could have been a reason, but he sounds quite a bit self-centered. I say 'self-centered' because of the way he told you he felt about you (love), and all of the using going on. Friends don't do friends' homework. Or buy them cell phones. He was using you.

Your friend is probably suffering from some insecurity and issues himself. You had said he had major family issues. It's really difficult being young, having family issues, possibly having feelings for other boys...

So you're worried about him using you again. There doesn't seem to be any evidence against that fear, from what I can see. He definitely used you in the past. Do you think he's changed deep down? It takes a lot for a person to change. :p

I'm glad you're at least considering telling him how you feel. Listen, if you guys were best friends right now and everything was going great, I wouldn't necessarily recommend that. But given your current situation, I think it could benefit you both in the long run.

Bottom line: If you want to be friends with him again, tell him how you feel first, or at least that you're gay. You are still in love with him, and there's a big chance you could fall into the same routine as before.

[posterpicture]

It 's my second time to type this, the first one disappeared in mystery.

Thank you so much for all of your advises. Really appreciate them a lot. It feels really good to be able to talk about this.

@TuxSky: You cracked me out when you talked about making him drunk. Well, maybe you should consider it as an option then. Sometimes, seduction is a good form of communication. You never know . Just kidding
I think you should just be friend with him again, and try to confess when you have a chances. Just hang out first, then go for a movie or a foot ball game or sth that you both like. Then confess.
He got off right before his ex got off does not mean anything. It is probably just random. Don't get yourself upset over that. And you are not stupid for doing thing for him. We are all like that when it comes to love. It 's a kind of pleasure rather than suffering.

@SrChulo: I may have not seen the whole picture yet but from the part that I have seen he is a good person. He always does things that benefit other people more than himself. About manipulating, I believe that I am the manipulator. I am really selfish and I don't want he pay attention to any one rather than me. I did so many things that help preventing him getting a girl friend. I know it 's just temporary but it 's working for now. I told him that I just need a time to accepted the fact that we will have our own different family in the future. Actually he did not tell me that "You can not do that". He told me like :" I love you no matter who you are, and I am accepting it. Just I don't believe that you are gay, I think you are just confuse. You can get a boy friend if it will make you happy, but it will hurt me and this friendship a lot and we may not be able to recover from that. I know that you are normal so just be normal and find a cute girl to get marriage and have kid. I will be your best man and you will name your son my name right? That will be your ultimate happiness". I cried really hard when he told me that. That was why I promised him that I will pick that path that he wanted me to pick even though I don't know it will work or not.

@marshlander: thank you so much for advise about marriage. Maybe, I will just wait for a while before making any decision. I always convince myself that I am a Bi not Gay. Because when I first came to high school, I was a popular kid, I had a girl friend who was popular also. We did not have sex but we got some erotic moments that was kind of out of the line. After that she moved out of the country for studying abroad and I started developed my alternative sexual interest. So I think that I may just give my hetero side a shot. Maybe, my Mrs. Right is still somewhere around there. Probably, if a straight marriage is not going to work, I will just live by myself then.

@eastofeden: sorry to offend you about the career stuff. I am kind of inexperience about that. Maybe in the future I will figure out how to handle being Out and have my career at the same time. Thank you again for showing me an example of hope.

P.s: A small advice for everyone, please save what you are going to post before posting it here because when you hit the "send" button, your post may just disappear for no reason.

[TuxSky]

I reacted to her death in a weird way, when people were sending their condolences to me I didn't really like it. When people tried befriending me I was doubting their sincerity, I felt like they were only talking to me because it was the right thing to do or they'd look bad if they didn't, you know? Not because they wanted to actually know me. lol I'm so weird! But time has passed and I'm okay now.

I don't know if he's changed. Before, I noticed that he was sometimes really nonchalant about dismissing me, just walking off when someone hailed him out or something. Man, remembering all this is making me slowly start to hate him.

I'll need to talk to him again and see how he acts in order for me to make up my mind about keeping him as a friend. Like everyone else, he has some faults, I think I was so in love with him that I was looking past them and reading too much into his actions. Thanks for this, Chulo! I've never spoken to anyone about this, it feels so weird talking about this on an internet forum. And... I think I'm coming off as really depressed, I'm really not! lol

[posterpicture]

It 's my second time to type this, the first one disappeared in mystery.

Thank you so much for all of your advises. Really appreciate them a lot. It feels really good to be able to talk about this.

@TuxSky: You cracked me out when you talked about making him drunk. Well, maybe you should consider it as an option then. Sometimes, seduction is a good form of communication. You never know . Just kidding
I think you should just be friend with him again, and try to confess when you have a chances. Just hang out first, then go for a movie or a foot ball game or sth that you both like. Then confess.
He got off right before his ex got off does not mean anything. It is probably just random. Don't get yourself upset over that. And you are not stupid for doing thing for him. We are all like that when it comes to love. It 's a kind of pleasure rather than suffering.

@SrChulo: I may have not seen the whole picture yet but from the part that I have seen he is a good person. He always does things that benefit other people more than himself. About manipulating, I believe that I am the manipulator. I am really selfish and I don't want he pay attention to any one rather than me. I did so many things that help preventing him getting a girl friend. I know it 's just temporary but it 's working for now. I told him that I just need a time to accepted the fact that we will have our own different family in the future. Actually he did not tell me that "You can not do that". He told me like :" I love you no matter who you are, and I am accepting it. Just I don't believe that you are gay, I think you are just confuse. You can get a boy friend if it will make you happy, but it will hurt me and this friendship a lot and we may not be able to recover from that. I know that you are normal so just be normal and find a cute girl to get marriage and have kid. I will be your best man and you will name your son my name right? That will be your ultimate happiness". I cried really hard when he told me that. That was why I promised him that I will pick that path that he wanted me to pick even though I don't know it will work or not.

@marshlander: thank you so much for advise about marriage. Maybe, I will just wait for a while before making any decision. I always convince myself that I am a Bi not Gay. Because when I first came to high school, I was a popular kid, I had a girl friend who was popular also. We did not have sex but we got some erotic moments that was kind of out of the line. After that she moved out of the country for studying abroad and I started developed my alternative sexual interest. So I think that I may just give my hetero side a shot. Maybe, my Mrs. Right is still somewhere around there. Probably, if a straight marriage is not going to work, I will just live by myself then.

@eastofeden: sorry to offend you about the career stuff. I am kind of inexperience about that. Maybe in the future I will figure out how to handle being Out and have my career at the same time. Thank you again for showing me an example of hope.

P.s: A small advice for everyone, please save what you are going to post before posting it here because when you hit the "send" button, your post may just disappear for no reason.

[posterpicture]

It 's my second time to type this, the first one disappeared in mystery.

Thank you so much for all of your advises. Really appreciate them a lot. It feels really good to be able to talk about this.

TuxSky: You cracked me out when you talked about making him drunk. Well, maybe you should consider it as an option then. Sometimes, seduction is a good form of communication. You never know . Just kidding
I think you should just be friend with him again, and try to confess when you have a chances. Just hang out first, then go for a movie or a foot ball game or sth that you both like. Then confess.
He got off right before his ex got off does not mean anything. It is probably just random. Don't get yourself upset over that. And you are not stupid for doing thing for him. We are all like that when it comes to love. It 's a kind of pleasure rather than suffering.

SrChulo: I may have not seen the whole picture yet but from the part that I have seen he is a good person. He always does things that benefit other people more than himself. About manipulating, I believe that I am the manipulator. I am really selfish and I don't want he pay attention to any one rather than me. I did so many things that help preventing him getting a girl friend. I know it 's just temporary but it 's working for now. I told him that I just need a time to accepted the fact that we will have our own different family in the future. Actually he did not tell me that "You can not do that". He told me like :" I love you no matter who you are, and I am accepting it. Just I don't believe that you are gay, I think you are just confuse. You can get a boy friend if it will make you happy, but it will hurt me and this friendship a lot and we may not be able to recover from that. I know that you are normal so just be normal and find a cute girl to get marriage and have kid. I will be your best man and you will name your son my name right? That will be your ultimate happiness". I cried really hard when he told me that. That was why I promised him that I will pick that path that he wanted me to pick even though I don't know it will work or not.

marshlander: thank you so much for advise about marriage. Maybe, I will just wait for a while before making any decision. I always convince myself that I am a Bi not Gay. Because when I first came to high school, I was a popular kid, I had a girl friend who was popular also. We did not have sex but we got some erotic moments that was kind of out of the line. After that she moved out of the country for studying abroad and I started developed my alternative sexual interest. So I think that I may just give my hetero side a shot. Maybe, my Mrs. Right is still somewhere around there. Probably, if a straight marriage is not going to work, I will just live by myself then.

eastofeden: sorry to offend you about the career stuff. I am kind of inexperience about that. Maybe in the future I will figure out how to handle being Out and have my career at the same time. Thank you again for showing me an example of hope.

P.s: A small advice for everyone, please save what you are going to post before posting it here because when you hit the "send" button, your post may just disappear for no reason.


Edit: oh I know why I could not post now. If I use symbol "Shift+2" the post will disappear.

[SrChulo]

@Tux- No, you're not coming off as depressed. Maybe a little lovestruck. :p This totally happened to me two years ago, when I was head over heels with a guy that was a complete asshole. Your situation is much more complicated though... you have a much more complex history. And he's not a complete asshole.

Yea, talking about this stuff is so therapeutic. I've made some paranoid threads and after talking some over, I felt much better about the issues.