I said i had something to talk about..

[jwm]

So i was reminded that i said on the chat thing that i wanted to talk to you all about something, so here goes.

I've been with my current BF for almost 2 years now (with a slight break somewhere along the way) and we're really really close, obviously. However our sex life is, all but none-existant really.
I mean when i think about it, we've not ever really had that crazy a sex life, a fair lot at the very start, but we were long distance then, so it spent more special when we met up. But now we see each other every day (the past 18months or so) our sex life has totally levelled off, to about on average once a month.

Now i don't think this is any personal slight on me, it's just my BF isn't that sexual a person, never has been to my knowledge, and he's not getting anything anywhere else, it's just he's not that interested in all that stuff.

On the other hand i am, i've not had an incredible amount of experience with guys, only one BF before this one, and only a few other guys before that. And being only 21, i feel like i should be getting more i suppose, plus i've always been quite a sexual person, and this mismatch between me and him is starting to grate a little.

I'm not saying i've stopped loving him, that's absolutely not the case, it's just that we have sex so infrequently or do sexual stuff so rarely, he's begun to feel like an incredibly close friend or brother, rather than a lover. The reason we "broke up" a while ago was for this reason, but we got back together.

I'm worried we're only together because it's comfortable and stuff. I dunno. I dunno what to do.

I don't know damnit lol.

Any thoughts?

[fenris]

Hi, we have not talked till now .. and I hope, its Ok if I say something...

As first I think its needful to know why he don´t want to have sex much more times now. Did he work much ... has he some problems and don´t want to talk about ? There are so many possibilities... maybe its the food ... ( i mean that serious )... Did You important things in a other way then in the past ? Did you know what he wants to do if you both want to have sex ? Sometimes its a problem with the little things in the every day life.
I think as first you should make you cozy evening ... and then you should ask him ... but tell him before that you don´t want to criticize or annoy him. Be very peacefully and quiet ..and stay quiet.. if he maybe going angry. You know ... nobody likes to hear, the he isn´t a tiger in the bedroom.
And then in the future .. watch for little things he likes...
Makes you a beautiful evening in the bathtub .. with candles ... some aromatic oil .. AND DON `T FORCE HIM.... Remember ... He knows that you want sex from him... so let him only feel good without sex ... don´t force him. If he does not want or can, he will feel very uncomfortable and it will take a while before he responds again - he always has in mind, that you do it all because of sex ... and you have to show him, that's because you want him feeling well.

Have sex with you own ... let him see it ... but don´t force him... watch him when he see you... and show him that you are interested in him.
Make sure that he is without the fear you want to leave him.

We are all only human beings .. no machines ...


I takes time...
Watch a bit on his food... its important too. Stress ?
If at some time nothing changes, ever tried to consult a doctor and let control his blood ... but let you control both .. so he has not the feeling you mean he is sick...

[fredv3b]

Have you talked to him about it?

One tip for the bedroom, find a way to get him to take the initiative. As soon as you are asking for sex (yet again) you end up just ramping up the pressure.

[jwm]

Hi Fenris, you're welcome to say whatever you like :-)

It's difficult though, he's always on his laptop, and it pretty much dominates his life. He's on it most of the day, and then when we go to bed, he takes it to bed until he gets too tired and wants to sleep, so we don't really ever get the chance.
I've suggested not taking the laptop through to the bedroom but then he'd "be bored" and if i try to initiate things after it's put away he's too tired, and of course while using it he's "too busy".

I don't think he's stressed, and we mostly eat the same things.
We're both students and haven't started Uni again for the year yet, so he's had nothing to be worried about or to be causing him to work hard.

We have talked about it yet, and all he'll say is "it's difficult" or "we did stuff last week didn't we?" but i think even then he only really does things with me to keep me quiet, not because he has a burning desire to do anything.

And that's the thing, there's no burning passion, no tearing off of clothes or being unable to wait to be alone together. It's just, oh we're alone in bed, do you wanna? no? okay. Yknow?

And i don't know why he's not really interested in sex anymore. I know i'm the first person he's properly been with. And i know he doesn't masturbate or anything like that, so all he gets is what he gets from me. He's just not really interested in that stuff i don't think.

Oh and i've been lying next to him, doing stuff, yknow on my own. But it gets no response from him at all.

[fenris]

Thanks :-)

Stress ... can be .. because everybody has a other Stresslevel....

hm .. I think its very hard for YOU.
If I read your answer... i have another thought...
Can it be, that he´s a "hunter".... you know ... sorry .. I use the Wildlife for explain ... there are animals who doesn´t eat a dead deer .... Maybe he wants to hunt ... and he knows really well that you want sex ? Maybe you should change your behavior... do the same... take your labtop into bed, too. Be indifferent.... and so on ... do it like he does ... show him that you are not to have as easy.... and he must work hard to think of something can be and if HE wants something from you ....

This can be too..... its a bit strange... but possible

Hard to find out .. but I don´t think there is no way ... then if all other things are more or less ok ... its not a problem like "He don´t love you"

[JtheYoungBear]

Well...

It sounds really similar to a specific situation I was in. Where my mate was pretty much either on the computer, occupied with the TV, or heading straight to bed with only so much as a kiss good night. And it bothered me greatly, to the point where I was masturbating at least 2-3 times a day to fend off my own horniness.

But in the end, there was just a lot of tension (albeit, very unneeded attention coming from him) and it broke us up. Now he is with someone else.

If I were you, I would be highly suspicious. I have a feeling he could be prepping to do something behind your back.

[jwm]

Well...

If I were you, I would be highly suspicious. I have a feeling he could be prepping to do something behind your back.

Like what? :confused:

[eastofeden]

I think it might be the computer...it is very addicting and I am not sure it is such a great addiction...any addiction has the possiblity of diminishing an active sex life.

[marshlander]

I realise we all have different levels of interest, but once a month is a bit unusual I think. A relationship is between the people involved and not just one way. He knows that you would like more attention in bed, but does not seem to be reaching out to you. You can't force him to want sex, but I would have thought it would be in his interest to take the occasional turn at stoking the fire. After all, sex may not be THE most important thing in many relationships, but it is certainly the cement that helps hold it all together. Sorry, rather too many metaphors there, but I think you know what I mean.

As to laptops in the bedroom ... thin end of the wedge! Now PA has his new computer up and running we very briefly wondered if we should bring the old one into the bedroom and we very quickly decided against it. We both use the computer for work stuff and we want our bedroom to be a sanctuary from all that. It's bad enough having a telephone in there (and I'm surprised at the number of times we have been disturbed by that!). Besides which, all that electro-magnetic radiation can't be good for the libido, surely! Add to that your boyfriend using the laptop in bed is probably cooking his bits ... :eek:

To be honest, I don't know how you get from where you are to where you want to be. Until he sees and understands that your needs are not being fulfilled and that it is potentially driving a wedge between you he's not not going to need to change. For goodness sake, at your age you should be at it like rabbits!!