Gay and Transgendered Guys, Tell Me About Your Relationships with Women

[T.C.]

I've done a lot of soul-searching lately, and I've concluded that I really want a wife and kids (and a house in the suburbs, a mini-van, a labrador retriever, etc...).

My sexual desires seem to be completely incompatible with that, however. Sexually, I'm very effeminate. In my fantasies, I'm always a woman. I love dressing in women's clothes and playing the submissive role during sex. For the past 10 years, the only type of sex I've had is being the "bottom" in casual gay relationships. I've tried very hard to picture myself as the "man" in bed, but I just can't. Therefore, I feel completely incapable of satisfying a woman sexually. At the same time, I see no possibility of ever having a long-term relationship with a man. I'm just not interested in men that way.

How do I make this work? Do I have any realistic prospect of entering a loving, long-term relationship with a woman if I can't offer good sex? I would appreciate advice from gay or transgendered guys who have had relationships with women. Under what conditions do they work and under what conditions do they fall apart?


-TC

[marshlander]

Given what you've told us it sounds like an impossible question to answer. You can make it work for a while, after a fashion, if you are determined enough.

I was married or with the same woman for about thirty years and it was tough to begin with. I guess the difference between us is that I refused to acknowledge that I could be gay. I liked boys, but I was going to grow out of it! When the children came along they were literally the fulfilment of a dream for me. I had always wanted to be a dad and with the kids and with work, I just made the best of what life was offering. Unfortunately my marriage relationship never really got any better, but did get a lot worse. As I got older and the kids began to move away Mother Nature made sure she made me sit up and pay attention to who I really was. It wasn't a pretty thing to witness.

You describe yourself as bi. Just make sure you consider what life is going to be like for your wife if you go through with this. Don't go into marriage with too many important secrets that could ruin life for both of you. Sex isn't the be all and end all of a relationship for everyone, but it is often the glue that holds the rest together.

Best wishes.