Being a gay couple with children

[Genersis]

You know what hasn't been addressed yet and I dunno how this goes? Yeah, a gay couple with children. Here's another reason why I don't think it would work out... what do they call the parents? Like... which one is gonna be called mom or mother, mommy, mamma, etc. or vice versa. If I was raised by two men, I dunno which one I would call dad or father. It would be quite confusing. I have neighbors who are gay and they have a child. They're both women and I think one of them is called mom and the other is called mommy. I'm not entirely sure on that. Then what about when the kids go to school and then they tell about their parents. I just don't know how a gay couple manages to have kids. Of course, they'll be good mothers or fathers... but then it gets really complicated when the kids get older.

What do you think? If I was still with my partner and we had a kid... I would like to be called dad... however, my partner would be called dad. Now here's my idea is that the child would refer to me as dad and then maybe have my first name before dad. Then maybe that's how my partner will be called as well. So do you have any ideas with that?

Now i can't say 100% but chances are CutieBoy, You wont have a choice in how your child reffers to you and your partner. Its down to what the child takes a liking to.mile:

[Ultra]

That's absolutely right, Genersis. That's how it should be actually.

[princealbertofb]

I've not had any kids of my own, and probably never will, but I've enjoyed my nephews and nieces and I really love that Marshlander has been such a good and proud dad. I just have to share, vicariously, the products of his own yearnings. It's heartwarming, though, to think that gay men can have children by the most natural means; contrary to what some might think, there are more gay men out there who've had kids that way than from a test tube....

[colinmackay]

Why not adoption?

That is a consideration. I know my boyfriend favours the adoption route.

A life with children can be really demanding and I personally think that it is not worth it to give up your freedom just to be proud of your kid. I mean, that's how I see it. Because I can see how my parents don't hve time for themselves AT ALL because of me and my lil sis. Especiallly my lil sis. . And I don't think that it's worth it.

That's an awfully negative view. Like I said before, I'm just trying to sort out in my head whether my desire for children is a real desire or an emotional hangover from past pressure.

I think that if I decided it was a genuine desire, then you work around all else.

However, if you still ever decide to have kids, I think the best choice would be to adopt a kid that is around 7 or 8.

That used to be the case with gay couples. Until equality legislation here gave gay couples an equal right to adoption the agencies that did permit adoptions to gays would try and palm off the more difficult to place children, such as the older ones, boys, and those with other difficulties.

[colinmackay]

This thread has gone off at a bit of a tangent. It is still an interesting discussion tho'

You know what hasn't been addressed yet and I dunno how this goes? Yeah, a gay couple with children. Here's another reason why I don't think it would work out... what do they call the parents?

There are many documented cases (the documentary on Channel 4 a couple of months ago. The story of the gay couple in Attitude magazine last month) of what children of a gay couple call their parents. And it doesn't really matter at the end of the day. It certainly is not a reason that it wouldn't work out.

[posterpicture]

How 's about going to a poor country to find a surrogate mother and egg donor? That 's way they will never able to take your kid away. As I watched in "Queer as the Folks" it was very sad when they took away Mikey 's child

[SlipknotRlZZ]

A desire is a desire, but it is always based on some thinking and some reasons, right? And I can see where your concern about the adoption comes from. I'm sorry it is like that :///

[Ultra]

This thread has gone off at a bit of a tangent. It is still an interesting discussion tho'



There are many documented cases (the documentary on Channel 4 a couple of months ago. The story of the gay couple in Attitude magazine last month) of what children of a gay couple call their parents. And it doesn't really matter at the end of the day. It certainly is not a reason that it wouldn't work out.

Yup, good point you have there.

[colinmackay]

How 's about going to a poor country to find a surrogate mother and egg donor? That 's way they will never able to take your kid away. As I watched in "Queer as the Folks" it was very sad when they took away Mikey 's child

Because the law is sufficiently robust where I am that I don't need to do that.

So long as I play by the rules I can arrange a surrogate mother here. My boyfriend actually has a couple of lesbian friends that would be happy to help out. If we go the "turkey baster" route (or another informal arrangement) then the biological parents are legally required to support the child unless it is put up for adoption. We can also go the full legal route and use a fertility clinic where everything is legally and medically arranged and planned.

[Lilmy87]

That used to be the case with gay couples. Until equality legislation here gave gay couples an equal right to adoption the agencies that did permit adoptions to gays would try and palm off the more difficult to place children, such as the older ones, boys, and those with other difficulties.

I don't know a lot about the history of gay adoption and policy relating to this, but if you are considering adoption I think that it is important to be aware that the vast majority of children who are put up for adoption are older, as child protection proceedings and the subsequent adoption process can take a long time. Furthermore, without wanting to stereotype adopted children, it is a matter of fact that a disproportionate amount of adopted children have behaviour problems and other issues; most have of course suffered serious abuse and neglect in their early years, and that usually has a profound effect a child's development and emotional well being.

Those that are put up for adoption as very young babies often have reasonably significant disabilities; some parents still choose to have there child adopted, if it has disabilities that were not apparent prenatally. In short, most people want 'perfect' babies, but very few get this.

Either way, while it is of course great that gay people have the right to adopt, and I'd hate to think of gay adopters (and the children they adopt) being treated unfairly within the process, I would say it is best not to think too much in terms of rights or entitlements when considering what kind of child one would like to adopt. As a potential adopter, one has to remember that the role of agencies is to find families for children, not to find children for families. It is not a case of being 'palmed off' with a 'difficult' child, but about finding the most suitable placement. I would reason that it is extra important not to discriminate against gay people as adopters, because that way one might be prevented from finding the best possible family for a child.

I heard a recent example of a gay couple who adopted a boy who was a bit older, and had quite significant behaviour problems. It was noted that the child responded well to men, being inclined to see them as more parental authority figures than women, so responded best to their management of his behaviour. For this, along with many other reasons, they were matched up, and this was very successful. My point it that it is not about the kind of child one wants, but finding the best family match up, so the child's needs can best be met. For that, I think adoption agencies and potential adopters should enter the process without prejudice.