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Out of Abusive Relationship - 2 years and still lost
Hello guys and girls,

I have been out of a physically abusive relationship for almost two years.. and i find i can't come back to a place where i'm happy. alone/around people, the common thing is always that i'm unhappy and lost. I don't wanna turn to medication. I'm unable to fill that deep emotional relationship I had.

How does one turn this around? I try to change my thinking to 'i'm so thankful that..', but i always come back to the victim. the lost young kid who doesn't know how to make himself happy. a kid who was abused by the man he loved.

i would give anything for an answer to this. i spend my weekends in thinking and feeling bad for myself. i dont wanna meet other guys (i have been), but none of them are HIM.

WHY? i hate that I have to be the one who deals with this?? i just want to be loved and cared for and love in return.

why is life so lonely? :frown:

It sounds like you are overdue a change in luck my friend.....
is there anything else that makes you happy....
something you did as a kid???....

art, music, fishing, sport, cooking, gardening, toy robots, cycling........ you get the idea

or something that you always wanted to do? why not throw caution to the wind and do it... you could get a new hobby......ideally one you genuinely like and one that involves people........
write a list......hatch a cunning plan......you meet the best people when you least expect it

try to be positive....if you have got the love..... your special someone is out there somewhere....I hope you find them soon.....and I bet they do tooConfusedmile:

I´ve written a answer ... and as I preview it .. I´ve seen postmans answer.... and I think its a good answer.

So I only want to say : Do what you like to do... new Hobbys, new friends... but DO IT FOR YOU ! Because you feel good by doing it. Don´t watch back ... look forward... don´t think like "What has my Ex said now ".. "What had he done in this situation".. don´t think back on bad times... look forward.... its hard at first, but you will learn to be happy again.

postman and fenris both have good points. You should listen to them. I suggest you to start something new like join a new community group, learn some new skills ( drawing, piano, scuba diving, new work out plan... ). Just start a new project that you are interested in and feel happy to finish it. More important, get some new friends to refresh yourselves.

It also sounds like you have learned to beat yourself up too. That kind of treatment can take a very long time to get over. Don't expect it to happen in a hurry, but one day you will surely realise that it's not actually the most important thing colouring your day any more. In the meantime I second what's already been suggested.

Best wishes.

Ah man, I feel for ya. I feel ya about the lonely part. I never had a relationship where it was physically abusive, however I can imagine it. I would never ever be the one who is the abusive one.

I say just stay away from this guy and hopefully someone better will enter your life.

It is okay to not be thankful and grateful and whatever because, from what you jave written I can see that there is nothing to be thankful for besides that you are no longer being abused. BUt there is something else that you have to change - your attitude towards guys. None of them is gonna be HIM,. But somewhere out there there is this one guy that is better than him. Then there is another guy that resembles HIM but is again better. Find those people, open your heart and mind for the possibility of finding someone who is different than HIM, yet better.

If you feel that you cannot do that, maybe you should seek the one or two t hings in life that completely grab your attention and fill your heart with happiness or at least satisfaction. They will help your character heal, although not completely.

And, finally, you are not alone.

Aw you guys thanks for your kind words. I really appreciate it. I think i've really gotten comfortable into not doing new things. I know i can do them.. its just taking the initiative to actually take the risk and do it.

I've been trying to meet guys, but from reading your comments, maybe i have been comparing them a little too closely to my ex. I actually moved away to escape the relationship, so the neautral environment has been a big step with this.

Maybe i'll check out group/community activities and get some momentum going with my life here. Anyone in SF in any neato activites?


You remind me of the guy in "Kiss the bridge", he had trouble with moving on from his first love also. Big Grin You should watch that movie Big Grin

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Hi there Moon',

Hope you're feeling a little better as you read this.

My style with this sort of post is to jump right in with a response, only reading what the others have posted after. I pick out the bits of your own post that particularly speak out to me, quote them then stick my oar in! Ready? Good, lets begin!

"I have been out of a physically abusive relationship for almost two years.. and i find i can't come back to a place where i'm happy... "

Abusive relationships are now (in the UK) recognised for what they are, domestic violence. The abuse can take any one or a combination of physical assault, verbal and emotional abuse, destruction of the victims property, controlling who the victim can have as friends and even isolating him/her from their own family. Unwanted and inappropriate sexual behaviour on the part of the perpetrator also forms part of the unfortunate list of abuse. Two years is a long time to carry the feelings you describe.

"I'm unable to fill that deep emotional relationship I had..." I think I understand, you ideally want to be with your former partner but without the unkind things he did and you wonder how things could have been but for this. But I think you know also that you did the right thing by getting out when you did.

"How does one turn this around? I try to change my thinking..."

Have you considered counselling? NLP (Neuro Linguistic Programming might be worth a go. It will teach you how to reprogramme your thinking by your choice of words and their context.

"WHY? i hate that I have to be the one who deals with this?? i just want to be loved and cared for and love in return..."

That isn't really much to ask for and with the right help, you'll get there.

"why is life so lonely?"

Perhaps you've learned to shut others out. I'm sure your ex is getting on with his life and you deserve to get on with your too. Let us know how you get on.

Good luck!

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