Moving on

[adzie]

Right,

Me and my Ex broke up a while ago, lets say about 5 months? We were together for a year and a bit. I loved the fuck out of him, he was my life.

However, we broke up blah blah blah and within a short time, he was over me and he's now in a relationship with another guy and he 'loves' him.

Now, me... I've been trying and trying and finally I've found someone, he's really kind to me and I like him, likewise he likes me.

Anyway, recently, all I keep thinking about is my ex, hell I even dream about him and it's making me go crazy because it just fucks up my day, the only way to cheer me up is to talk to the new guy.

Annoyingly tho, they both have the same name! I'm called Adam, my ex is called Adam and my new boyfriend is called Adam.....

How can I get over him and be happy?

Thanks.

[marshlander]

Move on to a Cain as soon as you are Abel?

Your break-up was a bit public, wasn't it, but five months is not really that long to grieve for a relationship. Just try to make sure your new man doesn't feel neglected, I suppose. It's not nice being made to feel one is always being compared with past conquests.

Hope it works out well for however long you have together.

[juk]

the only way to cheer me up is to talk to the new guy.

Sounds positive to me!

There is no rule of thumb as to how long it takes to get over someone but bit by bit it will happen (and does seem to be happening). 5 months is not that long.

Enjoy your new man and as time goes by you will be saying Adam who? (Must be really confusing with so many Adams!)

[marshlander]

...(Must be really confusing with so many Adams!)

Not necessarily

[outandabout]

Awwww I am sorry to hear about your breakup. Was he your first love? Those are always sooo hard to get over. Don't even get me started on all the nights I cried myself to sleep over my first. After we broke up I dated as many people as I could and conversation always somehow turned to my first boyfriend. How off-putting is that? I'd ramble on about my last boyfriend with new guys I was trying to date. But I actually ended up reconnecting with my first guy. The time apart, though, did wonders for us and made us realize how much we really loved each other.

All I can say is give it time. It's always hard when your heart gets broken. In the scheme of things, five months isn't that long...but it's not exactly a one-night stand either. That's plenty of time to develop very strong feelings and I am sorry to hear those feelings were smashed. Don't run away from the memories. Cherish them. The thing that people always told me is the only cure for a broken heart is time. It's true. There's no other way to quickly get over someone. You just have to wait it out.

[adzie]

Thanks guys,

However, it's always rubbed in my face when I go out for an evening to the gay clubs, being on the scene is a right killer.

However, I always try to avoid contact because i know it will lead to upset. Although, when I was really drunk, I started on him Kept calling him a cunt, and kept saying to my friends how much I hate him. But I don't, I hate that I love him.

I just want to start fresh, I've already got myself a new job, a new home, new car and I'm training for my Local Police Force.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

Well Adam, you should have picked a Steve this time around...



Actually name association may be playing a big roll in your 'new' relationship.

So what is all this trying about anyways? What were or are you trying to do - Were you trying to find a new mate to get into a relationship with?

If so, then I am willing to bet that Ex-Adam and New Adam have more commonalities than just their names. I bet the reason why Adam (YOU) are Cheered up talking to Adam (New Adam) is because he reminds you of Adam (Ex-Adam) because two of these three Adams are more or less spitting images - if not physically then character wise.

You never ever 'get over' anyone. They are a part of you - for life. Lovely cheering thought that, no? You will carry Adam (ex) inside of you for the rest of your life. Unless you are one of the very fortunately who get hit by a car or fall off a roof and get permanent amnesia - then you don't have that nagging memory.

The reality is that Adam (Ex) will be a part of your life forever, you will measure other men (hopefully they will have different names than Adam) against Adam (Ex). Everything they do, you will compare what they did to what Adam (Ex) did. Everyone does it - it is all part of being human. Well we all don't use Adam (Ex) but we all have an ex that we compare all others too.

Love: The love you had for Adam (Ex) is a special, unique love. Adam (New) should not be having the same form of love that Adam (Ex) provoked. If it is the same, then you are loving Adam (Ex) not Adam (new). Each person you meet will evoke different 'flavors' of love. Often most people confuse these different 'flavors' of love to mean they do not love a new person, expecting love to be exactly the same each time around. Different person, different love.

Both Adams will have an impact on how you view other potential mates (Sorry, I do not see you and Adam (New) going too far down the path of life together, again sorry). If you are smart and listen to an old gay guy, then you will understand that you are using Adam(ex) and Adam (new) to compare and measure those other men and you may actually be able to break a few of these 'requirements' that if left unbroken will, most likely, lead to your repeating the same mistakes over and over again.

So, before you pursue Adam (New) any further, you need to look long and hard at him and ask yourself if you are seeing him or if you are seeing a reflection of Adam (Ex). You need to weight whatever feelings you have for this New Adam, to make certain you are not attempting to recreate the old Adam.

Also while you are doing all this deep thinking stuff, write a list of ten things YOU did wrong in the relationship with Adam (Ex). I don't mean find ten meaningless things you did wrong, but find ten relatively big things you did to mess up that relationship.

If you can't think of one - Its way too early for you to be looking for another man - seriously.

If you can think of 3-6 - you most likely haven't learned much from that last relationship and will, most likely, be entering into a short term relationship.

If you can think of 7 or more things YOU did wrong... you learned enough and are most likely going to enter into a long term relationship.