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What I have longed for...
Every since I can remember I have had thoughts about being close to another guy. I remember once having my best friend over for a sleep over and looking at him as we were watching TV. He was laying on the other bed in just his underwear totally unaware that he was turning me on. To this day I dream of what it would be like to hold and caress another man, and have him do the same to me. - But here I am...41 years old, and have never even had a blow job, from either a man or a woman.... my wife thinks just the thought of it disgusting.



Ask your self two questions:

1. What is it that you need?
2. What is it that you want?

Then decide what you are going to do about your inner issues.

Honestly you made choices through life that puts you here. Either way you go there are consequences.

I doubt what you want is more important than what you need.

There are huge differences between want and need.

I'm not sure what I want or what I need. I'm just admitting to myself more than anything else that I have thoughts about such things as having an older man take me by the hand and lead me to his bedroom, where he makes passionate love to me. - Or going back in time, and trying to find out if my best friend had feelings like me.

It appears that one of your needs right now is to admit your thoughts.

I suspect you only want an older man to bed you. I doubt seriously that that is what you need at this time.

And time travel is beyond the limits of our current technologies. So I doubt you will be able to go back to that day/night and "redo it".

But you know this last bit.

Everyone has fantasies. It is sometimes better not act on those that hurt others. However, for whatever reasons, you are where you are and being about your age when I came out I know how difficult a place it can be. I did not feel qualified to distinguish want from need and was stuck for many years in that difficult half-world.

You are now communicating with a community that includes a lot of gay men. At some point you are probably going to meet one and there will be mutual interest. You may even have sex and find out what it's like having your cock sucked. The thrill of that is different from the same act carried out within a relationship where you both love each other.

As BA says, whatever you do from here on has consequences. I am sorry to say that things will probably get worse before they get better.

Yes, everyone has fantasies...but I'm now coming to grips with the fact that my fantasies are not scaring me. I mean it used to make me feel bad that I would lay in bed and think about what it would be like to feel a mans penis between my butt cheeks....and now it doesn't.

As I mentioned in your other thread, you have come to grips with telling yourself that you might be gay... you've not worded it that way on your profile yet; you may do so some day.

I don't think Bowyn is totally right in asking those "what do you want, what do you need?" questions because in the word WANT you have to remember that WANTING originally meant LACKING something. So possibly your life LACKS that presence or experience of a man in a loving relationship. What you NEED would mean roughly the same thing, I guess. "What do you WISH or HOPE for?" might be a different way to word the question.

My partner, Marshlander, has acknowledged here that you are probably in a time and stage of your life when you are unable to answer whether you want or need these things, but they appear to be lacking, in any case.
The question would be more to do with how urgent it is for you to fulfil this fantasy.
How desperate are you to end your current relationship?
Do you even WANT to end your current relationship (with your wife)?
Do you think it would be unfair to 'cheat' on her, if you did have a affair with a man?
Would she understand that she, as a female, cannot fulfil that part of your sex life and fantasy?

If you could clarify some of these questions for yourself, (and for us) you might be able to start taking action on some of them.

Remember though, as Marshlander said here, it's a different thing getting a blow job from a stranger in a 'cottage' than getting it from a loving partner whom you intend to have a long-lasting relationship with. The latter is exquisite, the former a rather unstabilising experience after the initial thrill, as it might make you feel very rotten indeed, for letting yourself go down that road.

The road to finding such a partner may be a bit rough and daunting... but in my experience, worth every (measured) risk taken. Good luck with your quest.

Mr. Hide, It is not unusual for someone to come out in their 40s or even older. However, you are in a committed relationship with your wife. As others have said, you will have some major adjustments and so will your wife if you decide to start dating men.

All that said, it has been done by many people before. I just believe that you owe it to whomever you have committed yourself with to be upfront and discuss your feeling before you explore other relationships. You don't want to be the type of person that sneaks around behind another's back. It will not look good to someone else.

Have you considered that you may be bi? Personally, I feel a large percentage of the population is actually bi. But for various reasons, most just simply never act on their feelings. It would still mean you need to be honest with your wife about your feelings. You must be prepared to accept the fact she may not like anything you are feeling.

It is quite a different matter to want a fling, or an experience just for thrills and wanting to find a same-sex person you would want to spend a good deal of time with. And for many, it's difficult to tell what your feelings are all about. But I believe it is important for everyone to be as true to their feelings as they possibly can.

I would recommend seeing a therapist/counselor. Try to find one that is either gay or at least affirming. Once you have gone to a couple of sessions and you like the counselor, you will be on your way to discovering more about who you really are. Don't let anyone tell you that you are sick or crazy. You just need time to sort things out.

Also, you might want to check out PFLAG. It is a national organization, with local chapters, that helps people deal with things like people coming out and issues and struggles of deciding if you are gay, bi, or questioning.

You have some work ahead of you. But believe me, it's all worth it. Nothing feels as good as being your true self.

Mr Hide Wrote:Every since I can remember I have had thoughts about being close to another guy. .... To this day I dream of what it would be like to hold and caress another man, and have him do the same to me. - But here I am...41 years old,

I could say the the exact same thing ... except those thoughts/feelings started somewhere in my 20's
(For me the feelings are more of being close with another guy..rather than just seaxual...but i also have feelings/attraction to women, nothing sexual tho )

My suggestion, you should watch the movie "Kiss the bride". You may find yourself and some answers there.

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