I think I've really screwed things up....

[Rosie]

My girlfriend and I have been seeing each other for about two months & things are starting to get complicated. I am falling in love with her, and though I want to be with her I'm finding myself saying and doing things to push her away. This is what happened last night:
We were laying in bed together listening to romantic songs on YouTube, drinking a bit - both of us were tipsy but not drunk, when she played a song that reminded her of me & started telling me why. That ended with her saying that she sees it in my eyes that I'm falling in love with her -- then all hell broke loose. Suddenly I wanted to run & hide & cry & push her away. I DO love her, I wasn't ready to tell her because things are moving very quickly & I know she wanted to take things slowly -- the last thing I wanted to do was freak her out by saying the L word less than 2 months into this. I ended up turned my back to her & telling her to go sleep in the other room, refused to take the vitamins we take every night, began picking apart our relationship & questioning her repeatedly on whether she wanted to be with me or just friends with benefits, & at some point told her that I didn't need her or anyone else. She didn't go sleep in the other room, instead choosing to hold me close and try to reassure me telling me how much she cares about me (she isn't ready to say "love" which doesn't bother me) and I ended up crying because everything just feels so intense.
Now I KNOW she cares about me, she does many thoughtful things for me every single day to show me, so I have no idea where all of this insecurity came from???
Someone please tell me what my problem is!

[fenris]

Hi and Welcome mile:

It sounds that you don´t want ( or do not can ) to show feelings and that you not want to admit for yourself that you need her and that you are not longer alone and only for yourself responsible and independent. You should tell her the reasons.... that it is not as easy for you but that you want her and to be with her..... or you are in danger that you destroy the relationship....

[Bookworm]

Hi Rosie,

I think part of the issue may be due to the fact that you may feel that you don't deserve to be cared for or thought of in this way, which stems from self esteem issues/being hurt emotionally in the past perhaps. Many of us have hidden insecurities that we keep deep within ourselves, and when we are confronted by someone who shows genuine concern and affection for us, we can't fully accept it or understand/embrace it, and the defense walls can go up in an instant whether we want them to or not.

I would suggest really talking things through with your girlfriend and get all your feelings out in the open. Be open and honest with her and allow her the same opportunity too. It sounds like you really care for each other so you both need to communicate how your feeling if you want the relationship to move forward in a meaningful way. Take things one step at a time and allow breathing space for your relationship to mature if needs be.
I know its sometimes hard to be focused when your emotions are all over the place but things will fall into place once you can express how you are truly feeling, and you can support each other along the way. Just be honest with each other, that's my advice anyway.
Hope things work out for you mile:

[SlipknotRlZZ]

Sometimes emotions just...attack us, you know. Maybe this is related to some past experiences or something...I don't think there is anything to worry about though. Accept her love and give her yours. Have patience, but do let what's in your heart show... :]

[Beaux]

Hi Rosie,
I think bookworm hit the nail on the head love. Ya gotta be honest and talk it through.

[zeon]

hello there,
You havent got a problem there you just began panicking because it was a form of embarrissment.. My best advice to you is take each day as it comes begin by complimenting her which will build the heart and then go onwards and upwards telling her you love her dont panic about things as there is really nothing to worry about the things you did last night forget forgive and move on.. In the long run your look back and laugh about them... Me and my ex bf were together five years before we broke off and we met as a one night stand and the next day i said love you.. But in time it was definately love

kindest regards

zeon xx

[simon]

sounds to me you were trying hard to keep your feelings for her secret because you know she wanted it that way but now she has realised how you feel,you think it might end the relationship,it could be that it's your GF that has the problem and not you,if she was more open with her feelings it wouldn't be a guessing game for you,it isn't easy feeling you are the one that has to please the other to stay together,as for you loosing it,guess it's easier to push someone away than to be dumped.

[jbrowder24]

Some people can feel like they are falling in love, but afraid to say it until they know for sure they are. Just because she's taking it slower, doesn't mean she's not falling. And just because she's not saying it yet, doesn't mean you can't say it yet if it's how you feel and what she is wanting to get to eventually.

Sometimes we are our own worst enemy, questioning things even when we shouldn't. If you keep having this happen, you may want to check with a professional to see if you have an underlying anxiety problem. But even with regular anxiety, when we start to care deeply for someone, it also makes us all the more afraid of how hurt we'll feel if we lose it. If we focus on that too much though, it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. Unfortunately I speak from experience here. Don't let your anxiety get the best of you... just be honest, without letting the fear rule.

[Rosie]

Thank you all so much for your extremely kind and wise replies. mile: I took your advice and did talk openly with my girlfriend, turns out she knew what was going on - that I hadn't been in a relationship like this before, that I was scared & trying to push her away because it's easier than acknowledging my true feelings, and that I didn't mean anything I said. She's so wonderful, I do sometimes feel that I don't deserve her. After all I had done the night before she called me at work to see how I was feeling and if I was okay, then surprised me with a delicious lunch for us to share. I am going to try to have an open & honest relationship because we do have something special & it would be a huge shame if I allowed my insecurities to ruin it.