Feeling so much that I can't sleep!

[Alice]

Okay, so, before I start, I just want to say that this is my first post and I just had so many thoughts racing through my head that I needed to share them with someone.

So, long story short, I was abused (beaten/raped/starved/etc...) by pretty much all of my male relatives growing up ever since before I can remember. In highschool when I was 12, I met the most amazing girl ever, S. She was the first person who I let be close to me and my first and only best friend.

Now I'm 18 and starting to wonder about my sexuality. I've always assumed that I would be gay given my experience with men, but at the same time, I'd never been attracted to any one of either gender.

Also, for the moment I'm staying at her place with her parents. They're awesome too .

Recently though, I've started seeing my best friend S differently. I mean, like I want more from her than friendship. So last night, we were chatting on her bed and I don't know what happened but it was like one minute we were chatting, and the next we were both topless and making out. Neither of us have ever made out/kissed anyone else besides each other, it was our first times, especially the whole shirtless-ness and groping of chest areas. It was amazing.

After that, we went to bed and this morning, really early, S came into my room and was all like "I can't sleep." And so we chatted about what had happened, she said that she thought she was attracted to me, but that she'd always thought she was straight. Then as the conversation got more serious (she was all like "It wouldn't be fair to you for me to be in a relationship with you until I know if I'm gay/bi or not") we just started kissing again.

Tonight, we started having the "serious" talk again, but this time we did some more serious kissing and groping and topless-ness...

I'm just not sure about anything right now and I just feel super wonderful awesome because kissing S was the most amazing moment ever, but also worried that I'm taking advantage of her confusion :confused:...

Anyway, I'm not really sure what to do, we both feel as though we're taking advantage of each other >_< and we have a really awesome and open relationship with healthy communication and whatnot, so we aren't afraid to talk about these things, but the fact is, she's confused and I don't know if talking will change that, and doing "fun" things isn't productive.

Is it wrong of me to partake in this? I feel like maybe we shouldn't be doing anything without her being sure :confused:...

(Ah! It's 2 AM o_O)

[marshlander]

I don't know how I answer a woman on such questions. I've been told we are not only plumbed but also wired very differently

Were you a man I'd say you were thinking too much! You are both articulate, aware of your emotions and feelings towards each other and you are considerate. If you come to a decision eventually that either or both of you finds that a sexually intimate relationship isn't really what you want, you'll have to deal with it. However, it sounds like you are both enjoying the journey, so what harm is being done through that? In fact, if anything, it looks like there is a certain amount of healing going on. Your past sounds horrendous and I hope it doesn't sound too patronising if I congratulate you on finding the internal resources to make yourself emotionally available to your friend.

Best wishes to you both.

Oh, hello and welcome to GS too

[Alice]

Thanks for the reply

I'm still confused, but at this point I've just sort of stopped worrying so much. Since I'm currently living with S, we have a LOT of time together, and since my last post, we've hardly stopped doing "stuff" except for sleeping and eating.

It's weird because I don't really even know what the "stuff" we're doing is. I mean, I'm the only gay person I know, so I have no idea what gay sex is between two girls :confused:... But what we do feels... natural. And we're both naked but I don't know if it's "sex" exactly... but I'll stop my descriptions at that .

I'm so worried that she's not really gay. And I'm also worried about telling anyone other than her that I'm gay, my family is pretty close minded :/

[fenris]

Sorry .. have not seen you .....


Hi and Welcome :-)

[toomuch45]

hey alice

i understand your pain and i dont think your partaking in this i just think shes scared in my opinion.

[marshlander]

... It's weird because I don't really even know what the "stuff" we're doing is. I mean, I'm the only gay person I know, so I have no idea what gay sex is between two girls :confused:... But what we do feels... natural. And we're both naked

That sounds quite a lot like sex to me! I'm pretty sure sex starts and ends in the head. The rest of the body is where you get access to your brain