my boyfriend feels like a woman

[javidc123]

hi all.

this is my first post so please forgive me if i talk to much.

i was hopeing for some advise as i have no idea what to do and i seriously need help with this..

i have been with my bofriend for 3 years now and the relationship is going really well.
we have our ups and downs but overall i would say we are happy.

there is just one really big problem...

when it comes to us both haveing sex i am the top (active) and he is the bottom.
he says he loves being the bottom and he loves everything about it but it makes him feel like a woman because i dont do it as well. he accepts the fact that im never going to do that part but he wants me to try and make him feel more like a man. hes very st8 acting, and hes a bit of a hard lad when it comes to him and his friends. but he says that after we have had sex and were layed there he feels like a woman because of what ive just done to him...

i dont know what to say to him to make him feel more like a man and this really upsets him.

any advise would be much appreciated??

thanks
jav

[licious]

Simple.

Just talk about it with him.

Brainstorm some ideas and come up with some of your own the nsee how that goes.

[fenris]

As first : Hi and Welcome :-)

I think too that you should talk with him... what he wants.. what he thinks you should do...


and sometimes its better if the "active part" is not so tender.... :redface:

[fredv3b]

Hi Jav,

Welcome to GS.

From your post you imply that you don't ever want to try bottoming. To which my first thought would be, are you sure that you wouldn't enjoy it despite never trying it? That said bottoming isn't for everyone, so I'll assume that you are sure or have tried it and didn't enjoy it.

My next thought is that there is more to gay sex than just anal sex. So by adding a bit more variety to your sex lives you may find things that make him feel more like a man.

But ultimately, you still want to be able to find a way of f*cking him without making him feel like a woman, because you both still enjoy it. My suggestion is letting him be the active partner and you be passive, as in he's the one putting most of the physical effort. One position is lying on your back and him sitting on your c*ck.

Hope this helps.

P.S. I can't be easy being gay in Bradford.

[javidc123]

hi all.

thanks for your advise and help.
this is to fred....

thanks for the great advise i will deffinatly try that because it sounds like it would work.
i did try being bottom in the past but i dont like it but like i said before he does.

and yes your right....being gay in bradford isnt easy at all. all tho im very much st8 actingso not many people know. but when people find out i do get alot of abuse. (not nice)

chears again
regards
jav

[princealbertofb]

Hello Jav and to GaySpeak... I understand that being gay in Bradford may not be the easiest. I'd suggest, one day, that you move out, if you can, to a place that is more accepting.
About your relationship, I'd like to add to the necessity of discussing it with your boyfriend, the fact that since you are looking for advice, you might also be ready to try new things and different things.

A few questions for you then: (and you can also ask your boyfriend how he feels about these)

* When you have sex, do you always end up doing it the same way? Is that way a way that reflects the way women are used in sex? (does it therefore give him a sense of being used, or of being less worthy) ... I'm thinking here that you might both have oriental views on this point, but not sure if that's the case.

* I'm understanding that he likes bottoming but doesn't like to feel like a woman about it. How does bottoming ressemble in any way being a woman? Anal sex is something that is ultimately unisex, ie, both men and women could enjoy it (or hate it). The fact that we can't procreate and don't have a vagina or uterus can never equate with being a woman.

* Do you, or does he have any hangups about anal sex, despite the fact that you both enjoy your roles in topping and bottoming? Are there any unresolved feelings of guilt or shame, or disgust?

* You say that you are both straight acting so I'm going to assume that you both have a way of behaving in society that is recognised as "manly". Could it be that as he accepts to bottom in your relationship, he fears it may rub off on him, or might expose some of his feminine traits or characteristics? Which ones? Is he afraid of being seen as the "woman" in your couple, if people find out?

* I don't know if you two (or either of you) enjoy watching porn, but I'd suggest that you both show each other the kind of porn that you enjoy (if that is the case) and that you identify what you personally see as being manly rather than womanly in gay porn / in straight porn.... It might help to look at these issues in a non gender-specific way or to categorise types of sex / positions into too feminine, or manly etc... Maybe you need to leave out the tenderness (what Fenris was suggesting), and rough it up, but ultimately you will both only be successful in being the real YOUs, so there's no point in buffing it up if it's not going to work in the long run. The point is that variety in the way you have sex may be key to improvement, and I think you've already considered this.

The fact that we are gay also gives us the opportunity not to live up to stereotypes if we choose not to, so you ought also to think about what can be specific to your relationship for it to work, not what you think society would expect of you. This is a very private, intimate matter, I believe. It's about how far you can go with him in your intimate dealings and how far he can go with you. So, last question:
* What would you be ready to do with him, that would be part of his fantasies, to please him, even if it's not (yet) really your thing? I mean by that, would you be ready to reconsider bottoming for him because he's him and not somebody else? ... You may have found the experience unpleasant or gruelling before, but were you in the right type of relationship to do it then? Are you in the right type of relationship for it now? You may change your feelings about this. I think it would be worth exploring.

In any case, good luck with finding that understanding and improving your relationship.

[javidc123]

hi princealbertofb

i have just read your advise and i think what you say is fantastic. i will deffinatly be showing this to my boyfriend so we can explore other options of what we can do to make him feel more like a man.
this has been going on for over 2 years now and i never thought of joining a forum to ask people.
i think its great the way everybody on here helps one and other with advise.

so thank you its very much appreciated.
i will take it all on board.

regards
jav

[princealbertofb]

Good, Jav, glad to be of help... Consider that those are not the only questions that might arise... Just go with the flow, and see how much you didn't really know about each other....

[javidc123]

will do.

thanks again

[jamiebfd]

maybe the guy above is right. you should try again as it may be better the next time. you both may be more comfortable now you have known each other longer. all you can do is try. or are you completely closed for that idea? :p