Breaking the news

[Foxy]

So, I am brooding on the fact about 'coming out' completely. I am not 'in the closet' so to speak but my sexuality remains hidden to some of my friends. I 'came out' at the beginning of November 2010 to a select few of my closest friends who I knew I could trust to keep it to themselves. However, a couple of my friends who I eventually told did not take it at all well. One girl even crosses the road when she sees me and she has very little to do with me anymore, which is extremely hurtful. This has added to my already profound worry about the issue of telling the parents. :confused:

I am getting increasingly worried about telling my parents that I am a lesbian. I am an only child and my mum, rather than my dad, is fairly sensitive. My dad I know is a lot more relaxed about homosexuality and I think he has guessed that I am because there have been times that I have almost told him, then just hinted. I am so scared about my mum because she is all about 'grandchildren' and 'reputation'. I understand she is worried about how others would react and the potential difficulties faced in my life in future, but I have come to terms with that.

I know that she had some gay friends when she was my age, so she is not entirely against it, but her reactions can be quite intense sometimes. When should I tell them, how should I tell them, and what reaction should I expect and how should I deal with it?

It's a lot to ask but I need help.

[Foxy]

I have no idea why it posted twice, sorry. :confused:

[XRIMO]

To be honest, its going to be hard no matter which way you slice it. I had the best reactions from my parents that I could hope for, and it was the hardest thing in the world to tell them. The thing I remember most from when I came out to each of them was that my heart was pounding so intensely. There is no real good way to do it. All I can suggest is to tell your father first if you think he will be supportive, and then tell your mother because at least you will have your father as a support.

[princealbertofb]

Hello Foxy and to GaySpeak...
You are at an age when it becomes important to be yourself, you won't be living with mum and dad for very much longer, unless circumstances have it otherwise. You need to make a stand for yourself and for your future. Despite what you mother might think and wish for, there is absolutely NO GUARANTEE that you'd ever find a husband (or a partner) so it would be best for her to understand that her child, albeit her only one, may remain single. That's a given...

The next options are that you find a partner (male or female - I'm talking rhetoric here) and that things go well with either... Another option is that you'll find a partner (male or female) and that your relationship will go wrong, certainly because you'll both have made the wrong choices of a partner.
One more option will be having babies (Is it something that you would feel inclined to?) Maybe not right now, but if you take the option of being with another woman, then that option will only be met by using methods that are artificial, unless you agree to have sex with a man you can trust to father your babies. The option remains available to you unless something is wrong with your reproductive system, which probably isn't the case. There is never any guarantee that a female-male couple will be able to reproduce. So adoption is also an option here.

Ultimately, your life is your choice. It is important for your parents, and especially your mother, to understand that. It is also important for them not to have expectations that can't be met because they only lead to disappointment. As I said before, there are no guarantees on big things like marriage and children.

One thing that parents generally want, however, is for us to be happy. The happier we are, the less they need to worry. Worry is what kills parents (both in a literary sense and in a figurative way of speech). Once a parent, I think you are always riddled with one type of worry or the other.

So, maybe your conversation with your mum (and dad) ought to be about worry...

If you've come to terms with being gay, and if you've come to some conclusions about the types of things (hardships and pleasures) you'll have to worry about / enjoy, it could be a nice way to share with your parents what you've got under control and what you haven't sorted out yet. It would be nice to see how many of their worries you can dispel. It would also be nice for you and your parents to be able to talk to each other honestly. It paves the path for better understanding. Are you close to your mother, normally?

Your mum sounds like someone who is very reliant on what other people think. Well, question that! "Mum, how much do you really care about what people think? How can you keep them from thinking negatively of you and your family? What solutions have you got, as a family, to deal with that."
I know that, in the end, if she sees where you're coming from, she'll find the right things to say to come to your defence and to preserve herself from shame / guilt or gossip. You can find strategies as a family. It may take you moving to another place, or to college or university. It may take just giving your parents time to adapt to their new situation. It's like when little life crises happen. We rally round and find solutions. For the big ones (I mean funerals, divorce, etc...) it's nice to know we can support and be supported.
Good luck with the coming out process, Foxy. mile: