Gay/bi or what?

[fullstop]

I consider myself a st8 person (will explain further). I was in a long relationship with my high school sweetheart , 10 yrs, got married and lived so called happily ever after. Our son was born and the happiness became even bigger. However, there was a turn of events in my life, a very close friend of mine woke up something in me that was not there, or at least I wasn’t aware of its existence and I simply cannot define what it’s . Whenever I see him I feel the butterflies in my belly, I have the need to call him, see what he is doing who is he with, imagining him naked hmm..Seems bit weird writing this but I went to a point to literally demand for his naked pictures stored in his laptop, I simply had to see them! I love it when he passes next to me in a narrow space and he “unintentionally” or accidentally caresses me with his …well…member , or when he has his laptop in his lap typing something and I’m leaning my hand and "accidentally" touching his dick while scrolling the touch pad. (nice that joysticks are only for consoles, u cant touch shit :twisted
We are very close friends and we do lots of things together (sometimes wrestle..strange, huh?), and I can feel that the same energy is returned back from his side. Cause whenever we have an eye contact the chemistry is so “toxic” that is even hurting the other people in the room, to an extent that it might be even noticeable to others such as my wife for instance. She even started giving some weird remarks about our “friendship”.
Now, nothing sexual has ever happened, I have never been with another man in my life also, hence the opening line of this post. Plus the way I was brought up, the family and the society I grew in, reprimand if not physically (which could also happen) psychologically about these kinds of feelings - situations.
I don’t remember having this kind of “connection” to any male friend or person in my past, so this situation is new to me and I do not know how to cope with it obviously since recently I developed a neuralgia on my facial nerve for which physically there was no explanation why would or could this occur. I must say I’m a bit anxious person, which in a combination with the neuralgia landed me in a shrink’s office that prescribed me Paroxetine and some other drugs for the neuralgia. No sessions whatsoever, no discussions simply after 15 min conversation with me and my wife, (she insisted being present) he gave me the drugs. The drugs started working, thank god they eliminated the pain that the nerve was causing, but it also killed the “butterflies” that were previously there, in any aspects- towards my wife and my mate. I feel like…actually I don’t feel anything I don’t care about a single thing anymore. Don’t get me wrong I do care about the people that are around me and their well being but the wonder is gone. I feel sleepy constantly, have often mood swings and all that crap that such mind altering drugs can cause. My problem is, now that I’m in a way “aware” of the situation that happened, and I’m emotionally unbiased or suppressed so to say, did I fell in love in a guy? I still do crave to see him, but not as often as it was before everything else happened, eye chemistry contact is almost completely gone and even when we do see each other I feel kinda angry for sucking me up into the “gay” whirl. In certain occasions, I was even rude, with some homophobic replies giving him a sign that if he were not afraid of the next step to pursue, I was. Insinuating not even to think going there, touching or much worse kissing, for which honestly I wouldn’t have mind. (Even though I don’t know if the guy is bi/gay for sure, I mean he has a gf) I think the saddest thing is that whatever was there in the air, which obviously even sedated made me realize its existence, was more than a friendship but none of us had the balls to discuss about it, probably both being worried that might be caught or something. I was in a way determined to try anything simply to remove the damned haunting feeling whether I was bi (girls do turn me on, I should be careful with this tough pills prolonged my ejaculation to a point where my wife started reading a newspaper during sex) or what I felt was just some weird phase. Or this is some sort of a mid-thirty life crisis, huh? I’m a bit thankful to the pills tough, that gave me the courage to write all of this, for which I must apologize since the length has gone as if I was writing a school essay. Anyways, what do you guys think will I stay closeted for the rest of my life if that is the case, or what I have experienced there was just a year of a confusion that would go away even when I get stripped off of the drugs, just share your point of view.
Thanks
Mark

[East]

Hey Mark! Welcome...I am not sure I can answer your questions very well because there is something that bothers me....this specifically...actually I don’t feel anything I don’t care about a single thing anymore.

I think maybe you need to either go to another doctor or back to the same one and discuss this. Of course I understand that I haven't walked in your shoes so I may not understand completely but I have to ask if this is OK with you...not caring about a single thing anymore? I don't think that is ...nor should it be....the desired outcome...eh?

The question concerning being gay or bi is secondary IMO...I think the lack of feeling anything is a bigger concern and should be addressed first.

[fenris]

Hi and welcome :-)

I had a own answer for you ... but I think .. East´s answer is all you need :-)

[fullstop]

Hi all
Thanks for your replies. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not as if I would put my hand in a fire and I would not feel a thing. It’s more like lack of excitement and numbness .Aren’t antidepressants supposed to do that? I mean same as you have smoked pot and after the thrill is gone you just feel sleepy, thirsty and you simply don’t care anymore that your neighbor has parked in your parking slot. I used to argue with him about that, now I do not care and I do not get frustrated or agitated about it. Plus empathy for general situations is almost gone, I used to feel more compassionate about sad events and always offered to help ones in need, now ,I maintain, I don’t care. As for the doctor, since he prescribed me these pills I think he has finished his job, even if I would have the option to discuss things in detail with him/her I would never open the subject to him/her or anyone about my friend. How can that be, should I mention again, I don’t care about things yet I am afraid to open up in that matter. True lot of things could be at stake maybe that is what ‘s holding me back, but since I’m investing so much time to find out what had happened unconsciously things are in battle despite sedation.
Thx
Mark

[marshlander]

Hi Mark. It sounds like you are having a tough time of it all. I can relate to some aspects of your story. You live in one of the most notoriously homophobic parts of the UK (I was raised in a homophobic religion), you married your childhood sweetheart (I guess I did too, although I thought of her as my best friend - we were together from the age of sixteen onwards and married when we were nineteen), you met someone in your thirties who turned your idea of who you are upside down (I was a little older when this happened to me with that disorienting feeling of being in love and out of control that was very upsetting and very elating at the same time). I was diagnosed with depression, put on Prozac and offered counselling. I can't claim that the Prozac did much to help with the depression, but it did reduce my libido to near nothing and that gave me time to try and sort my feelings and thoughts out without being driven to seek out men for sex for a while. I guess that throughout my adult life I had learned to hide my feelings and I understand that whole thing about feeling nothing at all. I wanted to experience an emotional response when my mother died, but I could feel nothing. It was horrible. I denied that I was gay right up until just before I was forty and it was a real shock to me (I'm not sure what I thought I was doing with the men I had met whilst cruising or cottaging for periods throughout my adult life!).

To cut a long story short, my wife divorced me, I have been in a loving relationship with a man for about eight years now. I feel more at ease with myself than I ever have in my life and I no longer attempt to hide my sexual orientation.

[toomuch45]

Hi Mark. It sounds like you are having a tough time of it all. I can relate to some aspects of your story. You live in one of the most notoriously homophobic parts of the UK (I was raised in a homophobic religion), you married your childhood sweetheart (I guess I did too, although I thought of her as my best friend - we were together from the age of sixteen onwards and married when we were nineteen), you met someone in your thirties who turned your idea of who you are upside down (I was a little older when this happened to me with that disorienting feeling of being in love and out of control that was very upsetting and very elating at the same time). I was diagnosed with depression, put on Prozac and offered counselling. I can't claim that the Prozac did much to help with the depression, but it did reduce my libido to near nothing and that gave me time to try and sort my feelings and thoughts out without being driven to seek out men for sex for a while. I guess that throughout my adult life I had learned to hide my feelings and I understand that whole thing about feeling nothing at all. I wanted to experience an emotional response when my mother died, but I could feel nothing. It was horrible. I denied that I was gay right up until just before I was forty and it was a real shock to me (I'm not sure what I thought I was doing with the men I had met whilst cruising or cottaging for periods throughout my adult life!).

To cut a long story short, my wife divorced me, I have been in a loving relationship with a man for about eight years now. I feel more at ease with myself than I ever have in my life and I no longer attempt to hide my sexual orientation.

i like your story cause sometimes i have problems with my feelings at times too sometimes when a bad situation happens i feel nothing as well.

[marshlander]

i like your story cause sometimes i have problems with my feelings at times too sometimes when a bad situation happens i feel nothing as well.

That was then. Some might say that sometimes these days I have too many feelings, but I am finding a way of channelling these into a new batch of songs (I make my living from doing music of various kinds - though I doubt my therapeutic expressions are ever going to earn me any money ). PA has helped me find my heart. Since I have known him I have been able to mourn my mother.

[xxxj1985xxx]

Small suggestion:
If you're Gay: You like men.
If you're Bi: You like men & women.
If you're Str8: You like women.
If you're Lesbian: You're female and like females.

I think you're Bi. Sooner you Accept it, the better you'll feel. Sure there'll be lots of mixed emotions, but you're not fighting yourself :-)

[endimion]

i knew i was gay but i didnt accpet myself till i was 22. is that to old to come out?