Some of my poetry, I guess.

[OrphanPip]

I guess it's time that I suck it up and let the world of GS see some of my own mediocre poetic efforts. I don't consider myself a writer, but I enjoy it at times.

Thoughts on this poem in particular, it's a tad political, maybe too political. The conception was to have a father ignoring the antics of a sexual relationship between teenage boys as a microcosm of society's treatment of unconventional sexuality in general.

I find the tone shifts too much in the last stanza, it could use editing, besides not being all that original a concept to begin with.

"A peculiar joy" is a term I took from Irving Layton, just because I like the sound of it.

Voice Behind the Door

Life pinned to a bed, is a
Peculiar joy:
Hot breath, suppressing weight,
The heartbeat rising-

KEEP IT DOWN!

Does he guess the
Source of the excitement?
Boys will be boys,
They're loud and
sweaty.

Shh, keep it down.
I can't help it,
hormones.

Laughing brings punishment,
Quiet sighs go unnoticed.
As long as it doesn't travel
beyond the door.

I TOLD YOU TO KEEP IT DOWN!

[Virgin]

too short, left me wanting to read more.

[jamiebfd]

very interesting... i agree with the last post... i wanna know whats next xD

you should keep writing too. you seem like a natural poet.

[OrphanPip]

I initially wanted to add something on at the end to make it more general, but everything I could think of felt too gimmicky or half-assedly PoMo so I settled on less is more.

(Looking at it today, there are some definite revisions I would make.)

[azulai]

Pip, there is nothing wrong with your poem. I like your use of the different voices. I really like it. I think your initial instinct was right; longer would distract from the feeling of rush/excitement you're trying to convey.

[toomuch45]

pip no matter how you say it sucks
to me its very creative and goodmile:

[Wintereis]

Rumi for you

[Wintereis]

I'm not usually one for narrative poems, but that one has some good qualities.

[OrphanPip]

Thanks for the response Winter.

So, I decided to do some edits to this poem. Part of what bothers me is how it scans, too many feminine endings to the lines.

Voice Behind the Door

Life pinned to a bed, is a
Peculiar joy:
Hot breath, suppressing weight,
The heartbeat rising -

KEEP IT DOWN!

Does he know
about the joy?

No.
Boys will be boys,
They're loud, sweaty.

Shh, keep it down.
I can't help it,
hormones.

Quiet sighs go unnoticed.
They don't travel beyond
the door.

I TOLD YOU TO KEEP IT DOWN!

[Wintereis]

As long as you don't compromise the importance of the words in the process. That is the only thing to watch out for.