lifes been hard from day 1

[ZombieSlayer]

To start off, as soon as i was born my dad left my mom. he didnt want me. as i got older, still no dad. later on my mom got with a guy (my little brothers dad). he molested me when i was about 7. at the time i didnt know what was happening but it def didnt feel right.( i kept it to myself and never told a soul until i got with my now, ex girlfriend. she was the first person i told.) i was a weird little kid so i only had a few friends. so i basicly grew up pretty much alone exept for the few ppl that liked me and didnt make fun of me. i also had my cousin who is a year younger than me., we are still close. i failed the 7th grade bc im not smart. then when i was in the 8th grade i met a guy that i really liked. i slept with him so i could get him to love me. as soon as he got what he wanted, he went off and left and dated my "friend". the next day. then i found my first gf/love/ girl i had sex with. she left after 3 months of promises and stuff. lieeees. then on of my closest friends died. we where fighting when he left ohio to go back home. that day he died so we never got to make up. couple of months went by. i got dumped, used, and hurt. sometime during the constant heart breaks my mom kicked me out and said she hated me and didnt want me anymore.blahhh..i eventually moved back tho. then i got back with that girl and almost 3 more months later she left. again. i thought it was suppose to be diffrent that time /: she was abusive during that 3 months, but yet i still miss her. i've been depressed for a while... for a couple of years. and i wish things would get better.

[zeon]

Hello Zombie,
I am goint o break things down for you babes and whats what... Purely because we have both had similar experiences which may be why or a cause of self harming hunni... You stated your father left... Dads can be evil and children always blame themselves when a parent leaves because they dont understand that it isnt them... My father left my mum when i was 18 months and I blamed myself for him going and i rarely know of his existance... This is something that may have been whats known as a chain reaction... When i say that I mean your granddad could have abandoned him in his childhood which is why he did it to you because he is in a trapped cycle of life...... Dont blame yourself because it isnt you... Maybe make a move to try to find him and trace him but dont get your hopes up because not every father does want to see their child like my ex boyfriend who i live with found out... His reply was fuck him then he had his chance to fix his ways he broke so it isnt any of my concern anymore...
With regards to your little brothers father... Molestation is no excuse for an act and it sickens me that adults feel the urge to do this and it can explain alot about how you feel right now... With your younger brothers father if he still lives at home why not talk with your mum or younger brother about this??? It is hard discussing something like this... I know its not the norm to go round mentionning it to people but talking about it can help you through the times... Maybe consult a councillor about your issues around this as they are more trained to assist you in overcoming your problems... I have rarely opened up about this but i want to let you know my sisters father beat and abused me violently and mentally for 13 years to the point i walked infront of a car to escape it and after i came round i realised that was the point life is telling me you can get through this just bear with it... Dont allow this nasty bastard to ruin your life babes his a selfish coldhearted person who will be dealt with in time by karma retribution and if it doesnt get him in this life it will in his next...
You say you were a wierd kid with a few friends when you were younger... I was told a true fact of life once and that is.... You can only count true friends on one hand.. If you have more than the number of digits then some will appear in time not so true... As a 26 year old adult I have 2 friends i call friends because they are there when I need them... Having your own independance babes isnt always a bad thing ... Failing exams and grades is a thing of the past... Never ever put yourself down at the end of the day its about having the balls to go in there and achieve something... I left school in 2001 and do you know what??? When I opened my GCSE'S results in the august and I saw a grade no higher than F in any subject I was really proud of myself... Why??? Ill tell you why and tell you why you should be pleased with yourself... Because I went in there sat through the whole situation and then gave it my best... I cannot try any harder than I did and to be honest... Grades get you into university but at times as you work on your abilities after leaving school you may find that your skills become better getting the job you want.. It took me 4 years of work experience in different sectors to get on a wage of £18,000($36,000) and to be honest... I dont have any qualifications but if I can do it babes im sure you can just feel positive inside no matter what happens...
You stated that your friend died before you were able to make ends meet again well dont feel down about that.. In spiritual form we see things different than in physical form... Our emotions become neutral and we understand aspects we didnt understand in life... We learn that as time goes on and those we knew in life grow old their true feelings become apparent to the spiritual sense.. Your friend who is passed over will understand you didnt mean the nasty things you said and understand that its not your fault... I am sure your friend wouldnt even want you to be feeling like this right now with the guilt... To try to communicate with him I would recommend at sometime within life to go and visit a medium and they will let you know how he or she is doing... Maybe this will put your mind to rest... However you only answer with Yes and No.. Do not give any other clues away otherwise they are a hoax..
I think the reason your feeling really depressed with regards to your abusive ex is because your mentally exhausted... I think you should take the next week just chilling out in spare time.... Try to listen to what I call healing music such as Enigma Return to innocence or Sacred spirits yeha Noha... Furthermore Yeha Noha is a song that was sung to those who had died in life to wish them a safe journey accross to the otherside... If you learn the words to the songs i listed there sing them loud and push all that damn negative energy out of your body... I know you keep getting put down babes but its not your fault its not something your able to take control over... I wish i was there to just say to you... I do genuinely understand where your coming from and here are the scars to proove it... All 40-100 of them... One site i would recommend visiting is www.studentcentre.org I kept a online diary there and wrote down everything that was hurting inside.. I cried many lonley nights because of what happenned in the past and sometimes I still get down now but I have to forget and forgive if i want to set the inner me free... These nasty people may have damaged you on the outside but deep inside your body lies the inner you and it seems as though you have trapped yourself into a prison that only you can break free from...

If you need to talk or want to message me in private about things please do... I will give you my word here that whatever is mentioned between us babes will be kept in strictest confidentiality and I am in no way shape or form here to humilate you or harm ya like others have done...

God bless

zeon xx*hugz*