Jealousy, how to deal with it.

[parisman86]

Hello everyone.

I am 25 years old and am living in Paris with my boyfriend of almost 2 years.

I am not generally a jealous person i wouldnt say, but lately i have hit a stumbling block and am struggling to get over it. After having a little bit too much to drink one night, we started talking in a bit more detail about our sexual histories (I knew he had slept with a few people, but the details ended up being a little harder to stomach).

To cut a long story short, his now best friend and him used to have a sexual relationship, and would go to gay saunas and threesomes etc together. He has always said that I am his first propper long term relationship, so as far as he was concerned it was just sex with this guy (though seen as they have remained bestest friends since, i cant help but think it was a little deeper than that). He is 32 and this all apparently happened 10 years ago.

Can someone please tell me if it is normal that I feel so jealous. I hate the thought of the two of them together, and cant stop myself from picturing it and all the crazy things they would have done together (getting quite carried away with it in my head). The thought of him in a state of extasy with someone else is very difficult to take, and I keep picturing his face in the midst of having sex with this other guy. I'm not really sure what to do, but i have to do something as it is getting quite distracting and making me a little distant with him........ Here are some options i have thought of:

1. Talk to him about it. in depth. This is dangerous as he hates jealousy and has called me up on it before. However, if i asked him to tell me everything, then at least i can stop inventing stuff in my head. Again however, it may make things worse. I knew they had had oral sex before we started talking about it, and now i totally regret tugging at this thread! (Credit to him for not lying though...)

2. Ignore it and keep telling myself it was 10 years ago, when he was single. he says he loves me and that he feels no desire to sleep with anyone else now he is in a relationship with me. However, knowing that they were so flippant about sex in the past worries me as when they meet up, i dont know if they just fall into old habbits. Kinda like scratching each others back. I dont doubt his feelings for me, and that he has these emotional feelings for only me, but it turns out he has a lot more relaxed attitude to sex than I do..... which leads me to the next possiblity.

3. Have a threesome to loosen me up a little. I think a lot of this comes from the fact that I havent had too many sexual partners (and he is the only man i have had sex with), so sex for me is still something very much that we do together. This, i think, is what makes me so mad thinking about him having sex with other people. If i were to have sex with someone else (perhaps with or without him), maybe i would be better able to detatch sex from emotional attachment....

There we go, i am now out of options..........
Any advice you can give me would be very much appreciated.

Many thanks,

Parisman

[jbrowder24]

Some people just can't detach sex from emotion as well, so even if you try #3, it might not work. While you could talk to him while treading carefully, i think #2 is best, if hardest. People change as they mature and it sounds like your boyfriend went from a carefree stage to a place where he was ready to settle, and he chose you. It is normal to have some feelings of jealousy that he is still good friends with someone he was with, but all that picturing of it is doing you no good. Now if your boyfriend goes off to hang with this guy one on one a lot over late nights etc, that's one thing, but if they just hang as normal friends these days then the past is the past. Maybe you do need to talk and ask why they never ended up as boyfriends if it might help you feel better to understand but try to stay calm and curious, not angry or jealous. For the most part though, just know that your feelings are normal and feel free to vent here.

[joseph]

same.it is i not like a bout me i get jelose quiete a lot.becase if peple can do things i cant andd if peple got boyfrined and frind of peple i wish was my boyfrind i get bad jelose.if i was jelose if it is somone it matter abit i say foget aboit it you cant have it.but if its matters verry lots it is harder.i hope you can say foget about it!

[toomuch45]

yea i say number 2 as well
because i feel if you do number 3 you'll get even more jealous and you really don't want that
its not even worth the risk

[azulai]

Can someone please tell me if it is normal that I feel so jealous.

Yes, sure it is. It's part of your survival mechanisms. But, you have to control it and use it to your benefit. You've kind of worked yourself up so that your emotional self is over-riding your rational self.

The way you are going about things is so destructive. If you keep obsessing and become so desperate (because honestly, that's where this is heading), your bf is going to start wondering what the hell he saw in you in the first place. Let it eat away at the trust you've established and see what's left of the relationship. Ask yourself: Is there any PRESENT behavior on the part of your bf to question his loyalty to you?

What you need to do is use your jealousy, which appears to be an aspect of your nature (it doesn't have to be a negative characteristic), in a positive manner. Look inside, find the source of your insecurity (or even insecurities) and become a better boyfriend to your partner. Because that's what jealousy is, our insecurities. And, there is nothing to be ashamed of or embarrassed about. We all have them. But, it's what we choose to do with them that makes the difference.

Is it you aren't confident in your looks compared with this former lover? Or maybe, it's just his greater sexual experience? Identify the issues, then get over them.

Ten years ago is a long time. Have you changed since you were 15? I hope you have. When we stop growing and learning, we're dead. Are you jealous of your bf's past escapades? Maybe you don't belong in a relationship, maybe you need to go off and experiment and develop your wild side.

I hate the thought of the two of them together, and cant stop myself from picturing it and all the crazy things they would have done together (getting quite carried away with it in my head). The thought of him in a state of extasy with someone else is very difficult to take, and I keep picturing his face in the midst of having sex with this other guy.

Why the hell are you wasting time focusing your thoughts and imaginations on your bf with another guy? Maybe for some that could be a turn on, but hey, I think I would much rather picture myself and what I want to do/gonna do to my guy. :tongue:

Look, channel all those thoughts:
#1 - focus on the beautiful aspects of your relationship. For every one of those negative thoughts sit down and consciously focus on an equally positive one between you and your bf.
#2 - dude, put that imagination into action! Replace that guy with yourself in your head and then do it. Or rather, do your bf. :biggrin: Find your playful side, make this fun instead of this mess.

Who is it that your bf fell in love with when he met you? Try to calm down and get yourself back. If you turn yourself into a tight lipped, suspicious guy, you are going to chase him away.

I get the sense that sex for you is making love. Some of us (myself included) just cannot separate it. I really wouldn't explore any kind of threesome until you have a full check on jealousy. But, I think it would hurt you more than help. And, why on earth would you want to detach yourself from sex if you've found a loving relationship.

Dude, relax and go make love with your guy.

[fredv3b]

I hate the thought of the two of them together, and cant stop myself from picturing it and all the crazy things they would have done together (getting quite carried away with it in my head). The thought of him in a state of extasy with someone else is very difficult to take, and I keep picturing his face in the midst of having sex with this other guy. I'm not really sure what to do, but i have to do something as it is getting quite distracting and making me a little distant with him........

Just looking at things from a logical point of view what is the point of continuing to think about what they must have done together? You've already reached to conclusion that your boyfriend and this guy had sex, and that he enjoyed it at the time but that was 10 years ago. Do you believe that by thinking about it further you are going to reach any further conclusions? If not then all you are doing by thinking about it is torturing yourself.

When you find yourself thinking about them having sex, think about something else I suggest Pink Giraffes. Deliberately, thinking about something when you have a compulsion to think about something else is difficult therefore you need an idea that strongly attracts your attention, many people find Pink Giraffes grab their attention.

[East]

You have some good advice here...I will add one thing...

One thing you want to do is check yourself...meaning....do you often think about sex with other people? Most people do and alot of people have a hard time coming to terms with those thoughts because it shows the person that their image of love and what they think it should be differs from what it really is. This can be an intense struggle and it is often externalized by projecting those feelings on to your partner. My advice...figure out what those feelings are inside of you and come to terms with them...it will be much easier to let go of your jealousy. Most all of our perceived problems with other people are actually problems that exist inside ourselves. Good Luck!