I meed someone to talk too...

[princealbertofb]

Hello again, HQ, how do you know if you are gay, in other words, if you don't try it out with some man? I suppose some of us, if they have had the slightest doubt, have known all along that we were gay. Or bisexual.
It is difficult to find these things out once you've cornered yourself with a wife. I'm not so sure the child is a problem at this stage.
It is not unusual for a father to discover that he is gay later on... My partner found out (or understood what it was) very late in his life and after fathering a family, all of which children he adores.
The real crux of the matter lies more within your relationship to your wife. Given that you seemed to be so young, I didn't think we'd have to deal with that issue. But there it is.
What is your background? Deeply religious? Is sexuality something that you talk about in your couple? Does your wife suspect anything at all, have you ever given her grounds to doubt your heterosexuality?
A lot of wives don't understand that gay men can perfectly perform with a woman, well enough, in any case, to sire children.
The difficult bit, I think, is telling your wife and having her believe that
* 1 you've always been faithful to her (if you have).
* 2 that your love for her and the relationship wasn't a sham. (The wife might feel used)
* 3 that you won't cop out on your role as father and maybe breadwinner, and that you'll do your part in raising your children and (maybe) supporting her.

My stance would always be to try and be fair, to both of you. So be fair to yourself, and find out if you are gay or not. It doesn't necessarily entail having a relationship with a man or having an encounter with one. Have you ever been in love with a man or had a crush on him? That would suffice, to make you doubt yourself. Does the idea of gay porn or man on man action give you more thrills? That too would be an indication.

Be fair to her by being honest, so she gets a choice too in the matter, whether it is to stay with you and work this out together, for the sake of the child or children, or for financial reasons etc... In the same way as it may not have been fair to you not to have sufficient a sex and relationships education to make a valid choice when getting into a relationship, it won't be fair to her to let her ignore your pangs of desire for another life and another sexuality.
If there is any chance that you might be bisexual, then it would be good to be able to open up to her for that too... Maybe she is open to trying certain things out. (Difficult when you're a young mother, I know but...)

Lastly, don't waste your life away, if you can, feeling depressed because you are cornered in an unwanted mariage situation. It will only lead to deep depression or anger and make you a very difficult husband or father, a situation which, I'm sure, you don't want and maybe push you to committing the ultimate act of suicide. Don't go there.

Anyway, good luck with whatever it is you decide to do. It takes courage, but you'll end up seeing that some tough decisions bring the best results. People are not always fools and react well after initial shock. Remember that if you care for your wife and child, that is also what is making you spill the beans. You don't want to be a phoney.
Take care.

[marshlander]

I also see I need to update a little bit,

I'm currently married with a son, and having conflicting ideas and desires

I gathered that. I am sorry to hear it, because unless this is a passing interest (which it probably isn't) you and your family have some tough times ahead.

I was married at nineteen and our first child arrived eleven months later, so I was your age when I became a father. I fought against being attracted to men and was completely unable to consider myself anything other than a married man with a family. I don't think any thought of sexuality, let alone a minority one, came into my thinking at all. I just knew that I enjoyed looking at, and being with, other men and I assumed that what I'd been told at church was right, namely that I would grow out of this attraction to the same sex. Of course this didn't happen and it took until I was nearly forty before I began to face up to it. In the meantime, and afterwards too, some bad things happened. Now, though, I am in a very good relationship with a man and have been for several years.

There is no reason why your story should be the same as mine. If you feel this way now, what do you think it is about? Do you think you can remain faithful to the woman you have married? I don't suppose you have talked to her about your concerns?

[marshlander]

... Be fair to her by being honest, so she gets a choice too in the matter, whether it is to stay with you and work this out together, for the sake of the child or children, or for financial reasons etc...

Honesty is not always all it's cracked up to be. Some people, particularly spouses, think they want honesty, but they are not ready to deal with it. You and she could well end up having very different views on what "working this out together" means in practice. Be careful.

Lastly, don't waste your life away ... feeling depressed because you are cornered in an unwanted mariage situation. It will only lead to depression or anger ...

This I do agree with. Be the best person you can be and if that means that your child needs to have two families, you may have to consider this.

[princealbertofb]

Thanks Marshlander for those apt comments. Of course, all of this is highly difficult to deal with, and only HQ will know how his wife is likely to take this.

[marshlander]

Thanks Marshlander for those apt comments. Of course, all of this is highly difficult to deal with, and only HQ will know how his wife is likely to take this.

Yes, it is, although HiddenQuestions could well end up being surprised or shocked at how his wife takes this news. I suspect the response may not turn out to be what he is expecting, whatever that might be.

[HiddenQuestions]

What is your background? Deeply religious? Is sexuality something that you talk about in your couple? Does your wife suspect anything at all, have you ever given her grounds to doubt your heterosexuality?

Well, basically I've always went for girls, and thought I was happy but I suppose just the recent realizations. As for religion I'm more agnostic than anything so I'm not held back by that. With my wife, I've made a few jokes the past couple days, but other than that she doesn't really know anything.

[princealbertofb]

I'm guessing she's very young too.

[HiddenQuestions]

We are the same age, ==

[Crs30]

I've just read the entire thread. You are in a tough situation indeed.

I've never been in a situation such as yours, so I can't speak from experience. But I can say that from trying to be straight up until just a few years ago, I've learned that it's important to be true to yourself and those closest to you.

First, determine if you are actually gay or not. When did your desires first arise? I realized I was gay when I was 9 years old. Others realize it later than that, or even before. I remember fantasizing about some of my former classmates and wanting to kiss them or touch them. Before I discovered gay porn, I would watch straight porn that mostly focused on the man. Take a moment to reflect and see what indications there are of you being gay. If it isn't a fleeting curiosity then you are sure to have some tough times ahead.

I don't know how your wife will take it when you tell her. But I think you owe it to her and yourself to tell her. Who knows, she may agree to having an open relationship, in which you two remain married and committed, other than physically, and can have sex with other people (this happens, but I'm not a fan of this option for the risks involved with multiple sex partners, but it may work).

Only you can decide what to do, but if you follow the advice outlined in this thread then I'm sure you'll reach the right conclusion. It will not be an easy road, but the sooner you travel down it the better. It's sure to happen sometime. You and your wife will have a lot to talk about and a lot of arrangements to make.

[ManicReptile21]

if you care about your son and dont want to be smitten, i suggest you really talk to him when you get yourself sorted. i think its his emotions and feelings that really matter the most here since he is your personal flesh and blood!