Risking Friends & Family - coming out of the closet

[UMiami17]

I hate to use the words "fear" and cowardly, but both apply with regards to me coming out of the closet. I can't even begin how I would do it, given many of my friends are into sports, I am in a straight relationship (though I am bi) and my friends are heterosexual, with the lone exception being one that I fool around with on occasion - he is also in the closet.

To be honest, I don't know that I'll ever have the nerve to come out, given the massive fallout from the news. On the one side, there is: Be true to myself and come out of the closet. But then on the other, there is: The pressure to conform and be the friend, boyfriend and family member and co-worker everyone "thinks" I am.

Advice, please?

[SlipknotRlZZ]

There is no pressure...I know it sounds totally cliche and all, but it doesn't matter what people think. If you don't function as what you feel like, then what kind of a life is that? If you feel that some of those people need to know about your sexual orientation, then tell them. They will have to deal with it because it who you are and it doesn't really change about you as a person. You know that the people that matter are only those who stick around no matter what, those who will accept you for whatever habits, preferences or oddities you may have. This may not sound as convincing, I know. Sometimes you just have to keep trying to...fully comprehend it for yourself. I really hope this helps.
Please, feel no pressure to tell someone. If you want to come out to your family and friends, then do it. They will have to deal with it. It's absolutely scary, but once you do it with even a single someone..you will start feeling more and more confident and comfortable. I promise. :}

[East]

In the end we are all unique individuals so there is no correct answer or approach. I think being true to yourself is a most worthy goal so my advice would be to figure out exactly what being true to yourself entails and then proceed...assuming that being true to yourself is something you aspire to become.

I have been openly gay since I was a teenager and I came out to my entire family within minutes of figuring out I was gay and never looked back...BUT...I have no need to tell most people I am gay. If it doesn't come up naturally I dont' bring it up. The reason why?...If one of my straight friends came up to me and announced he or she was straight I would probably burst out laughing. I think of that alot. I never hide it...nor do I announce it....and that is how I am true to myself.

Good Luck on your journey!

[writerken]

Come out in your own good time. I expect you'll know when the time is right. Most of all do not fret about it.

[princealbertofb]

I feel for you, UMiami17, because I think you have trapped yourself into a position where you now feel cornered. We've all more or less done that at some point. Those of us who have known all along and who haven't had to lie about their identities probably don't remember, or don't understand what that feels like.

I know. I was there, in your shoes once.

However it never felt right and so, I had to figure out what it was that I preferred. Was it to live the lie and go on as if nothing really mattered (when it did, profoundly), or do something about it and find a form of happiness, contentment and fulfillment?

It took me time, but I opted first for getting out of any relationship and not committing to one (the least 'dangerous', but least satisfactory or satisfying) and later I chose to own up to the fact that I needed to have a relationship with someone of the same sex as me. It happened and I am now a much more balanced individual, even if I never appeared to be unbalanced.

The trick for you now is to see how you can get out of whatever trap you've fabricated around yourself, I'm guessing, all because that's what "society" expected of you. I assure you it is condemning, which is why gay people need more visibility and more acceptation.... so this kind of thing doesn't happen any more. *

Can you foresee some steps by which you could ease your way out of
1) your straight relationship?
2) that fear that come with being true to yourself against all odds?
3) that mindset that we all have to be equal and the same?
Good luck on your trip to self discovery and incidentally to GaySpeak.
Take care.

[geno]

My advice is that you tell only your best friends, your family and people that matter to you. Do not tell others for now. You should do so because these people are always there for you. Your best friends are people who like who you are, and your family just cannot turn around and leave you, they may need more time, but eventually will be fine with it. Aah, when I say family, I mean parents, brothers, sisters, maybe a close cousin, or grandparents; but do not go for distant relatives. By telling only your best friends, family, and people who matter, you would find support and would be more confident when telling the rest of the world. I wish you good luck, and tell us how it went.

[tommy53]

I would say if you're scared about coming out the most important thing is to take your time about it, maybe strart off by just telling very close friends about it, if they're good friends they will accept who you are.

it's completely normal to be scared about coming out and about what people will think but people are more accepting than you might think and if anyone has a problem with it then it is their problem not yours.

good luck

[jbrowder24]

I was close to your age when I realized I was gay after having been in denial, and my first official coming out to a friend happened at 23. I slowly came out to more friends, completely nervous each time, but in my case they were each accepting. It took a bit to work up that courage, but I did find certain things helped - reading gay magazines like Out and Instinct; renting gay-themed movies (don't mean porn) from Netfix; etc. I just began to feel like I wasn't so alone; that I was normal after all. I don't know if these things will help you and it may be harder to watch/read things on the side with a girlfriend, but if it is possible, it might help you to start and feel more comfortable about your feelings. And all that said, there's still certain areas I struggle in, but when it comes to my day-to-day life with friends, I definitely have come a long ways. We all go it our own pace. Good luck

[UMiami17]

I feel for you, UMiami17, because I think you have trapped yourself into a position where you now feel cornered. We've all more or less done that at some point. Those of us who have known all along and who haven't had to lie about their identities probably don't remember, or don't understand what that feels like.

I know. I was there, in your shoes once.

However it never felt right and so, I had to figure out what it was that I preferred. Was it to live the lie and go on as if nothing really mattered (when it did, profoundly), or do something about it and find a form of happiness, contentment and fulfillment?

It took me time, but I opted first for getting out of any relationship and not committing to one (the least 'dangerous', but least satisfactory or satisfying) and later I chose to own up to the fact that I needed to have a relationship with someone of the same sex as me. It happened and I am now a much more balanced individual, even if I never appeared to be unbalanced.

The trick for you now is to see how you can get out of whatever trap you've fabricated around yourself, I'm guessing, all because that's what "society" expected of you. I assure you it is condemning, which is why gay people need more visibility and more acceptation.... so this kind of thing doesn't happen any more. *

Can you foresee some steps by which you could ease your way out of
1) your straight relationship?
2) that fear that come with being true to yourself against all odds?
3) that mindset that we all have to be equal and the same?
Good luck on your trip to self discovery and incidentally to GaySpeak.
Take care.

1. I am bi and I "like" my woman a lot, and she's a good girl and I don't want to hurt her but I don't crave her like I do men, if that makes any sense. I do eventually want to ease out of the relationship, but I just don't think the timing is right. But I think she's been sensing that the physical attraction is not there, and that my focus has been elsewhere. I'm a big sports fan, and I'm trying to get hired with a few different departments in Miami, so that's taken the "heat" off of my lack of attentiveness towards here.

2. I hate to admit this, but I know I am not ready to come out yet, though deep down I know what's in my heart. Do I risk family and friends? How will they react? If I'm honest with myself, I'd say I'm years away from coming out out. Maybe even decades.

3. I don't understand this question, but I think being an individual is important - living by your own decisions.

[Iceman]

I guess I was very lucky, I came out to everyone when I was 18. Had some major flack from my Dad, who is from a very conservative family background. Never spoke to me for over a year, but eventually came around.

I was also lucky in that I met my other half when I was in high school, so I moved in with him shortly afterwards, (the night of my 18thy birthday actually) but I have heard of mates that have been kicked out of thier homes with no-where or no-one to turn to.

For me, gay is natural, and when people ask me, I tell them. I also believe that with me being so natural and comfortable in my own skin, it makes others feel comfortable around me. I find the deal breaker is when asked, I say, Yea Im a fag. (Almost make a joke out of it) and in turn, they immediately loose all that "I have to watch what I say in case I offend him crap".

Coming out, especially if your in a str8 relationship, your going to hurt someone, but you also need to think, do I hurt someone now, and let them get over it, or risk them finding me with another man 10 years later? That will hurt way WAY more...