any better guy than ex boyfriend?

[Kyle]

Hi, so my question is if you have ever had a though after break up that you would never be able to find a better guy than your ex.
About my experience, I had a boyfriend and after break up I had this feeling but I have to say I did find a better guy. Now I have some issues with my boyfriend and I have the same feeling, I think if we break up I can not find anyone better.
I'd love to hear your story.
P.S. I understand that "better" is very general and hard to decide who can be better but I mean, a person with whom you felt happier and spent better time.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

Yep just about each time after a break up, the only exception was Vincent.

Vincent broke my cardinal rule - Thou shalt not Hit. I even let him do it twice. Shame on me.:frown:

Unless your significant other is is abusive or 'sick' (Such as Pete, who did massive amounts of crank, but then I was doing crank too at the time it was a working relationship :tongue, most cases of 'we are falling apart' is largely due to the power struggle that ensues after the mad hot rush of passionate 'love'.

There are stages to love: http://blogs.psychcentral.com/relationsh...ious-love/ and even levels to love. (do Google for more)

We humans do not actually train ourselves to identify and see where we are in our relationship, and fewer still even have an idea that love is supposed to change over time and that it goes through stages.

I very nearly gave up on my current partner, because I had bought into that whole 'love comes naturally if you are with the right person' mythology. It never comes naturally, well except for heavy co-dependent relationships were one is willing to do anything to appease the other and the other doesn't care that the giver has given up everything.

We went to couple's counseling and learned a good deal about the dynamics of our relationship and learned how to communicate and how to identify those 'problem' areas where we got stuck.

I learned to accept the fact that he will never, ever, ever, ever learn to replace objects and tools back where he found them. It is my problem if I have to have everything in its place - that is not HIS problem.

I learned that no matter how much I plead, bargain, force the issue, he ain't gonna replace the toilet paper and leave the empty roll hanging. If I want a new roll up there, then I need to get my lazy butt up off the seat and hang it myself. That is MY problem, not his.

Learning to see things from the aspect of 'my problem' over seeing everything as 'his problem' is one of the hardest things we humans can do.

Relationships can be a lot of hard, grimy work. Its like two super powers in diplomacy. They try to find a common ground, making concessions and drawing hard lines. While neither gets all that they want, neither walks away from the table empty handed either. failing to make resolutions and make reasonable compromise will, as with super powers, result in War. Once that War starts it become and all or nothing deal where usually no body really wins.

The more time you spend with a person, the easier it gets. Prior 'trade agreements' have pretty much set in stone certain aspects of the relationship. EXAMPLE I will always restock the TP, and hang the rolls - this is my destiny in life. I accept it. No sense it bringing that dead horse up to beat and whip every time we have an argument.

Each relationship is unique, each has its own dynamic. Most of us fail to understand that there is a 'dominate' and 'submissive' to each aspect of a relationship. We humans have deluded ourselves that equality means that we are really equal in all things. Human interactions and how we cooperate means that one takes the lead and the other follows. And it is rarely an all or none situation where just one person is always dominate and the other is always submissive. Learning our own strengths and weaknesses as individuals can be 'rough'. If we were highly independent as a single person, accepting the leadership of the other in those places we are weaker can be one of the hardest things 'self truth' hands us.

The whole idea that there is a 'better' person out there is usually a false precept. All of us have our faults and foibles, all of us have our graces and charms. Most of us set unattainable perfection for our 'ideal mate' thus are constantly trying to find nothing but charm and grace, without being willing and in many instances unable to accept the flaws, the foibles, the bits of tarnish and rust on that shining armor.

[Kyle]

Hello Bowyn Aerrow,

honestly I have to say I love reading your replies. They help me so much.
Thank you for the link, I had never ever though about relationship stages but now I read it and it's so true. it felt like the author sat down and wrote about my relationship.

Unfortunately my boyfriend and me are in the power struggle stage.
when we started dating first 3 or 4 months we were in falling in love stage and we felt as happy as never before. It was first time for him being in love and although I thought I had been in love before I was feeling happiest than ever before. after this stage we entered power struggle stage and we had some arguments, it got more often and often. We were just about to cancel our summer vacation which we spent together eventually. It was so hard, every day and I mean every day we had fights and every night we were in the same bad and at midnight I used to spoon him and cuddle and he turned face to me and kissed and the same every day and night. We were asking each other not to fight anymore but it was so difficult, there was always something to argue about.

I remember hugging him tight and saying how I hated to argue with him and he was feeling the same way. As I have written on the other thread I left the country, so before leaving we somehow managed not to fight anymore. I think we both kept a lot inside us because there were few weeks before my departure and we were seriously fed up with this fights. before leaving, he told me everything would be fine and I believed it but now I see it was just words but feelings were different. He couldn't wait for me more than two months.

A week ago we had this stage "Whereas it once felt “good” to be together, now you never knew what to expect. The focus shifted from relating out of love to out of fear." EXACTLY, we were texting and I had no idea what to expect.

later it was this stage "Desperate to get back the love you once shared, you resorted to using punitive tactics – such as instilling your partner with fear, shame or guilt – to get their attention." I was desperate, emotional and not intentionally I was using this "tactics" to get back the love, I couldn't install fear because he was ready to break up and that would hurt only me, so first I made him feeling guilty, saying that when you have a relationship you have some responsibilities and one of them is to be faithful. He did feel guilty and said he was a bad person and he said sorry in every message, still he kept saying he couldn't help.

later I told him how bad I was feeling and he was replying me to say how ashamed he was feeling to put me in this situation and how he understood he was a bad person. Now I think it was my way to get his attention but I did it really unintentionally, I was just too emotional and texting him the way I was feeling.

Today I am in different stage. "There is a common tendency to change only when the pain of not changing is greater than the pain of changing!" I had a hope that one day I'd get his message saying it was a nightmare and he loved me again more than anything but life is not a fairy tale, I was heart broken and there was time foe a change. I couldn't live with tears anymore so I let it go. I sent him a message that he wasn't trapped and could do anything he would consider right, this way I admitted to myself that he would go with someone else. I am trying to stay calm and accept the reality how it is.

Somewhere in the heart I have a glimmer of hope that once I get back to my country and see him, his attitude and thoughts might change but at the same time I am trying to prepare myself that he will tell me that love is over and we shouldn't date anymore. If the worst happens there is nothing left but just trying to be wiser in other relationship whenever it comes and I will definitely guide by that article.

Also I wanted to say I'd wish to go to couples' counseling with him but we don't have that service for gays in our country but even if we had he would never come with me there.

I see you have balanced your relationship so far. That paper roll story sounds even cute. I'd wish to be living with my boyfriend and cleaning his plate after dinner. I just feel good to do something for him.

about "my" problem "his" problem, My boyfriend is too selfish, and he admits he's too self-oriented. I would try to make that "my" problem but I don't know how, recently he puts himself first and that was the reason what lead our relationship to here. he says he enjoys single life, his job, his friends and that he's free to date anyone. So I can not force him to be involved again in a committed relationship.

I started thinking about myself, about self-development. it was hard because I relied on him very much recently, I was fearless at anything because I knew I had him but now I am getting back to be independent and I'm setting new goals. hm, sounds easier than it feels in reality.

Anyway, thank you so much for response. I wish you and your boyfriend all the best. wish you two to be happy together. Just wanted to ask, how old are you? I'm asking because I want to know at what age you reached this perfect way of thinking about life and viewing it from different aspects.

[posterpicture]

I am not sure about "better" since it 's hard to define "better".
But one day when you find a relationship that lasts till the end of time you know that you have found a "more suitable" guy. I used to rank guys that I met from 1 to 10 with 10 is "the best" and 1 is "the worst". Then I found that scale is not practical. I changed it into a suitable and unsuitable scale system and it works much better.

And I admit that sometimes I felt like I would never met some one as "handsome", "smart", or "caring" as my ex. But they as just "feeling" and they have nothing to do with "facts".
I think you should listen to the song "some one like you" by Adale.
"NEVER MIND I FIND SOMEONE LIKE YOU".

[Kyle]

oh god, that's too hard.
I love Adele and my boyfriend also loves her and that song is so painful to listen. it's a true story and she sings about her relationship.
these words, "Never mind I'll find someone like you" makes me feel that whoever sings it thinks that the ex was perfect and is still in love with him but because of some reasons it doesn't work he/she is looking for someone as good as ex.
Love it so much. such a meaningful lyrics, what a voice. Listen to Jade Richards' version of that song.

[East]

We humans do not actually train ourselves to identify and see where we are in our relationship, and fewer still even have an idea that love is supposed to change over time and that it goes through stages.

I very nearly gave up on my current partner, because I had bought into that whole 'love comes naturally if you are with the right person' mythology. It never comes naturally, well except for heavy co-dependent relationships were one is willing to do anything to appease the other and the other doesn't care that the giver has given up everything.

We went to couple's counseling and learned a good deal about the dynamics of our relationship and learned how to communicate and how to identify those 'problem' areas where we got stuck.

I learned to accept the fact that he will never, ever, ever, ever learn to replace objects and tools back where he found them. It is my problem if I have to have everything in its place - that is not HIS problem.

I learned that no matter how much I plead, bargain, force the issue, he ain't gonna replace the toilet paper and leave the empty roll hanging. If I want a new roll up there, then I need to get my lazy butt up off the seat and hang it myself. That is MY problem, not his.

Learning to see things from the aspect of 'my problem' over seeing everything as 'his problem' is one of the hardest things we humans can do.

Relationships can be a lot of hard, grimy work. Its like two super powers in diplomacy. They try to find a common ground, making concessions and drawing hard lines. While neither gets all that they want, neither walks away from the table empty handed either. failing to make resolutions and make reasonable compromise will, as with super powers, result in War. Once that War starts it become and all or nothing deal where usually no body really wins.

The more time you spend with a person, the easier it gets. Prior 'trade agreements' have pretty much set in stone certain aspects of the relationship. EXAMPLE I will always restock the TP, and hang the rolls - this is my destiny in life. I accept it. No sense it bringing that dead horse up to beat and whip every time we have an argument.

Each relationship is unique, each has its own dynamic. Most of us fail to understand that there is a 'dominate' and 'submissive' to each aspect of a relationship. We humans have deluded ourselves that equality means that we are really equal in all things. Human interactions and how we cooperate means that one takes the lead and the other follows. And it is rarely an all or none situation where just one person is always dominate and the other is always submissive. Learning our own strengths and weaknesses as individuals can be 'rough'. If we were highly independent as a single person, accepting the leadership of the other in those places we are weaker can be one of the hardest things 'self truth' hands us.

The whole idea that there is a 'better' person out there is usually a false precept. All of us have our faults and foibles, all of us have our graces and charms. Most of us set unattainable perfection for our 'ideal mate' thus are constantly trying to find nothing but charm and grace, without being willing and in many instances unable to accept the flaws, the foibles, the bits of tarnish and rust on that shining armor.

WOW...this is probably the best relationship advice I have ever read on this site.

As for the oriignal question..the only time I felt that way was when I had my one really abusive relationship...and it is what kept me there actually...the fear that I would never find anyone better.

I was wrong.

[princealbertofb]

Kyle, I believe that when you have broken up with someone, and if you are the sort of person to question things, you'll find that the breakup helps to decide what you'll accept in your next relationship and what you won't want to find there.

Therefore, by knowing yourself and your limits better, you are more likely to find a better boyfriend, in terms of what you like and dislike in another man, or possibly it'll teach you to lower your expectations, if you realise that your expectations with your ex boyfriend were unrealistic.

I breakups are often difficult because we are afraid of being alone and of growing alone, they are sometimes necessary to keep yourself mentally sane and healthy. They are also great lessons-in-life-givers.