Falling for a person.

[Anonymous]

Feeling pretty down right now.

Not that it's uncommon. I've been feeling like this on and off ever since I met this person. It is all because of him, that I started coming out to a few selected friends, just to see how things turn out. Most of them were rather positive I would say, at least more positive than I would have imagined. There is one who thinks I like guys due to the lack of exposure towards girls, which I think is kinda absurd.

Anyway, I met this person which I shall refer to him as Brian in university. At that moment I find him rather adorable and intelligent, and was mildly attracted to him. So, naturally, I tried talking to him and now we are good friends. We are now good friends is mainly because of how selfless I could be when he needed a favor or help. I would drive all the way down to accompany him if he needs the company. I would break nearly all my principles for him. I am indeed in love with him.

But here is the case. I have no idea whether what kind of sexual orientation he holds. If he gave out the immense straight vibe I would've given up on him. The problem is he doesn't really show that, at least not a very strong sign of it.

He had a girlfriend once. And he watches straight porn. When I was at his place I somehow secretly checked his browsing history and there were straight porn sites there. I feel bad for invading his privacy but I was very curious at that moment. However, the way he sometimes talk about girls feels too forceful. It isn't similar like how my straight friends talk about them. I can even pull off an act better than him. But, it might just be his way of talking. He is quite a quiet person.

When I am not happy, he'll always tell me to cheer up in a sweet-gayish tone, which always cheer me up. And also, once in awhile he will drop gay jokes and statements when we are both alone, usually in the car and online, and it always bothered me.

Statements such as "I know you are madly in love with me"
Which I answered with "What would you do if I was really madly in love with you"
Which he then replied "I'll make you work for me"
Then I sorta left it at there.

I'll drop a "Do you miss me?" as a conversation opener once in awhile because I love to see a yes-kind-of-reply from him. He always make it like "Yes, I miss you a lot" or something similar, which always makes me extremely happy.
He once dropped a "therefore you should treasure me" out of a sudden during our one month break (he lives far away from me, as in very far). Then I asked him jokingly "you really miss me that much huh?". He then smiled and said "yes, very".

All these feelings are most likely just me feeling them. There are others but I'm far too tired to actually list them all out.

I know he is okay with homosexuals as he has a gay friend or a few. I had a few instances when I was totally down and depressed and sick of the feeling that I thought of telling him how I feel but somehow it didn't happen. I'm too big of a coward to actually tell him that, fearing of losing him as a friend. I would be devastated.

I came out to my first crush yesterday. This person is definitely straight and if he reacts positively I might just tell Brian how I really feel, take a leap of faith. Strangely my first crush took it rather positively. At first he took it as a joke and I told him it wasn't a joke. He then said he is honored and told me to keep the feeling going. I told him bluntly that I have lost the feeling for him since a year ago.

Now I have no idea what to do. Being me is kinda hard. I kinda am envious of straight people at this moment... It feels like they have it so much easier.

[jamiebfd]

I think Brian should be the next person you come out to.
In an ideal world... he will be gay aswell and you two will hook up.
However, he already has gay friends so if he is straight you dont need to worry about him cutting you out of his life.

And if he is straight... at least you know and can move on.

Sounds like an obvious answer to your problem pal

[toomuch45]

yea i agree with jamie on this onemile:

[posterpicture]

I came out to my first crush yesterday. This person is definitely straight and if he reacts positively I might just tell Brian how I really feel, take a leap of faith. Strangely my first crush took it rather positively. At first he took it as a joke and I told him it wasn't a joke. He then said he is honored and told me to keep the feeling going. I told him bluntly that I have lost the feeling for him since a year ago.

Now I have no idea what to do. Being me is kinda hard. I kinda am envious of straight people at this moment... It feels like they have it so much easier.

You are really right about this and I am sure Brian will take it positively as well.
From my personal experience, I used to have a crush on this one guy. I thought he was gay ( he subscribed GQ magazine ). However, I figured out he is a little bit homophobic. But when I came out to him, he told me, I would still be his friend even though he doesn't really accept the homosexuality part. ( I think he just said that to be cocky ). Our friendship remained unchange. I still hang out with him like normal or even hang out with both of him and his girl friend.
One thing that I have learned is friends will always be your friends regardless of who you are.

[geno]

First I want to say that I totally agree with what jamiebfd аand posterpicture said, but as I was/am in almost the same situation I wanted to share with you what I did. I was just like you, falling for this straight person, and one day was very confident in myself was I wanted to tell him, but Ryan (a friend of mine who is on GS too) asked me "What are you expecting from him ?" And despite the fact that the answer I had in mind is very obvious when I had to say out loud to him, I realized how low the chances of this "ideal world", where he will turn out not to be straight and will love me back, are. At least in your case you know that he has a few gay friends, so he is fine with it and is not homophobic, so you can only benefit from telling him. I will keep my fingers crossed and wish you good luck!

[Mark]

Yeh agree with the above posts - You should come out to him, when you feel ready mind, but then from that you can settle all the questions you have in your mind at the current time!

[interesting]

I really want to say that you should come out to him, and the worst scenario is that he's straight and therefore you're venturing into weird territories or he's gay and just not into you (which doesn't sound like that at all, so I think this can be rule out). However, the small little part of me tell me that you should not come out to him because I can completely understand how you feel (been in very similar situation) and I didn't have enough *nerves* to do it, but I hope that you do!!!!!