im a disapontment and a burden

[ZombieSlayer]

Okay so i feel like im disapointing my mom by living how i want to.
Im not the daugter she wants and i feel like im disapointing her.
we went school shopping and it seemed like it killed her to by me all boys stuff this year.
i wish i could be a normal girl and think like a normal girl.
Im not a girl tho. Im a boy trapped in a girls body.
when i came out to my mom she told me she didnt understand it and everything.
but she told me she cant stop me from lving my life how i want to.
she still calls me by my birthname and female pronuns.
I know she wishes i would be a regular girl but i cant do it.
Im a boy.
I feel like a burden on her. i just make things complicated.
I also feel like a burden when it comes to my girlfriend.
shes super supportive and everything and treats me like the guy i am on the inside and
lets me vent to her about my pain of being in the wrong body and wanting a sex change and Hormones but i feel like a cry baby coming to her and i feel like i should deal with it on my own. I feel bad that i go to her about everything. She lets me know shes here for me but i still feel like a burden.
I also feel like less of a man some times... cos i have womans parts and im a bit femme for a dude. I cry alot and have stuff going on and im emotional.
i hate feeling like this.

[Mikey1]

I makes me sad to think you're sad, but I can see you're young enough to be whoever you want to be, At some time or other we all feel like we're a disappointment or a burden to someone, but I'm glad you say your Mom lets you know she's there for you, I really think communication is the key and hope you keep talking about it with your Mom, you obviously have access to the internet a wealth of information maybe looking at a site like transgendercare dot com could offer some support, sometimes just knowing you're not alone may help.
I wish you the very best for the future.
Love from the UK Mike x :biggrin:

[fenris]

Don´t think such things ... you are not a dissappointment and you are not a burden ... You are You ... not more... not less.
Maybe it helps if you imagine the situation from your mothers side .... You know yourself since years .... you know what you think, you know what you feel and you know who you are.... Your mother has to accept it, she don´t want to make mistakes, want to be your mother - has to be your mother ... and all this in a much shorter time as you self. Thats not easy ...
Parents think that their children will go the standart-straight-way ... find a partner... marry.. got a few children and have a happy, boring life. But you know a long time that this is not your way .... so give her the time to accept it.... to think about ...and to react in a good way...

Be patient... she will make some mistakes ...and its her right to do her own mistakes... she is you mother - not wonderwoman :-) Her world and your world are different... and it takes time for her to accept it.

Tell her if she made a mistake ... tell her how you want be called from her... tell her about your interests, your thoughts ...and so on ... but be patient ... and I´m sure ...she can be a mother like you need.

[marshlander]

I can't begin to imagine how you are feeling, but I know what it is like to be a parent. I would be devastated if I found out that any of my children felt unable to come to me for support. That's what parents are for, to love us and support us. Hopefully we are able to return the service from time to time. I'm just sorry that, if my kids ever need any money, I'm pretty useless!!

My father died a few months ago and I miss him very much. He was keen to support me almost right up till the end.

I would not be surprised if you found out that the reason your mother wishes you could be a "normal girl" is because it's probably the only way she can think of to take the pain away. No parent likes to watch their kids suffer.

Don't deny her the opportunity to be the best mum she can be.

[dfiant]

I agree with Mikey, Fenris and Marshlander.

Not only could I not imagine what you are going through, I find it hard to imagine what your mum is going through.

You are in no way a burden, you just have some problems that you have to work through, and so does your mum. There is no delicate way of putting this, but I would imagine your mother is going through a grieving process...Your mother gave birth to a daughter and raised you as her daughter, so in a sense your mother is morning the loss of a daughter. Ontop of all that she is trying her darndest to be the best mother she can, but she just doesn't understand what you are going through, and perhaps she feels like she is letting you down because she doesn't have the answers.

Keep the lines of communication open with your mother, perhaps get some leaflets on transgender from a local GLBT centre or sexual health clinic, Introduce her to the idea of PFLAG because she may need to identify with someone in her position so she doesn't feel alone.

Most importantly, STAY STRONG, somethings just take time to work themselves out. You are who you are, and regardless of gender, IT IS OK TO CRY AND GET EMOTIONAL, yes, even adult men do

Take care of yourself

[matty7]

your not a burden or dissapointment at all ... you just dont have another point of refference on how to deal with your feelings about the situation at the moment but there are many organisations now that deal with transgender teens n young adults out there and they can help you and your mum just how to understand things and get both of you back in a happy space and relationship , im sure once you both have the facts then she will be your biggest supporter and defender,,, parents will protect there kids to the bitter end so dont doubt that because im sure your mom will be there for you when she's better informed and know that your both are not alone in dealing with this - good look and its great your GF has your back too in support, she sounds very special

[princealbertofb]

Hello ZombieSlayer. I know people say boys aren't supposed to cry, but that's all B***S***, as far as I'm concerned. You are at an age where it's normal to be going through emotional stuff. Of course, I'd be happier for you if you felt you were in the right body and didn't have to go through all the difficulties of growing up. Some of the things you are going through are normal for many adolescents, so you don't necessarily have to attribute it to your particular situation.

Having a friend (girlfriend, or boyfriend, for that matter) who is ready to support you and let you vent is the best things that you could have. Parents should, as Marshlander pointed out, be there to support us when we grow up, but sometimes they have a hard time relating to some of the problems of teenagers. Yours is the added 'problem' of your sexual identification.

I wonder if you are in a time in your life where you can ask your mother precisely if she thinks of you as a disappointment and a burden. Those are strong terms but if they are used, they should be explained. How are you a burden? How are you a disappointment? By having to explain these things, while trying to think serenely, not in a state of heated debate, she might realise that she's using these words rather rashly, if these words were used by her.

I believe that when parents beget children, children are obviously going to be somewhat of a burden, but mostly they are a burden that parents have accepted to 'inflict' upon themselves. It would be unreasonable for parents to deny that they have their duties in that respect. What I'm saying is they made a choice: whether to accept the responsibilities of parenthood, or not. I know not all parenthood happens in the happiest of choice circumstances, and maybe you could find out how your mum feels about the circumstances of your birth. It would be interesting to hear how she projected herself into the future when she knew she had a little girl. Maybe she will realise that what she thought would happen was the unpredicable part of life. As the poet Khalil Gibran said/ "Children are not our property. We are merely the minders of these new souls." It's like planting a seed in earth, you never know exactly how the seed's going to grow, whether it will bear fruit, or dry up, or die... No matter how well you take care of it, you don't know how that plant is going to grow.

I suppose it would be good to be able to hear what your mum has to say about the worry that it causes her that you aren't happy in your girl's body...

For her to start calling you a boy's name might take some time. You might, if you agreed, choose a name that she can call you that is both a boy's and a girl's name, something that corresponds to your intersex identity and something that you've both chosen and agreed on. For instance, on GS, I've decided that I would call Irina, Ryan, since it's the chosen name s/he feels is right for her.

What you don't say is if your mum's worries are of a religious nature, or if she's just worried and uncomfortable about hearsay, or the way other children and people might be tempted to treat you. Most parents would be worried about their children's safety, and that includes emotional well-being. If your mum is being difficult, it may just be that she doesn't know how to handle your situation and is at a loss to understand what you're going through... She never went through it, obviously. You might tell her that there are groups around the US that can help parents deal with the difficult job (for parents) of coming to terms with one's child's sexual orientation. I'm referring namely to PFLAG but there may be others around you. Now that your mum suspects you are not going to grow up as the woman she'd like you to be, I think it's time for her to do a little homework. Research.

I've just been going through my deceased mother's stuff and I've found several articles she'd kept for about 30-40 years about homosexuality. Even all those years ago, my mum did her homework and was trying to come to grips with the concepts, even though her religious background meant it would be a struggle. I think she finally succeeded in making both my brother and me feel loved and (partially) understood.

I think a parent (let's say most parents who take their roles seriously) will always be worried about their children getting the best they can. But parents also have their own inadequacies. Things that weren't resolved in their childhood, or later in their emotional lives, so be prepared for some truths that are not what you would have expected.

Again, if you want your relationship with your mum to work, you've got to find a way of going half way with her so you two can meet somewhere along the line. Leave discussions open to choices. You'll feel less cornered if there are options, and some forms of compromise. It also means you have to be ready to listen to her own gripes about the situation.
Take care, ZS.