To give a personal example, I don't feel particularly at ease in my town holding hands with my sweetheart, he knows this, and so we generally don't, just because I don't want to attract the wrong kind of attention and get called names for it. I'd like to be able to feel free to hold his hand or not, like any straight couple. If we are at the airport saying goodbye, I'll hug him (socially acceptable, I believe) and also give him a quick kiss on the lips, but won't make it long. I don't like feeling that I'm doing something wrong when I kiss him thus, but it's quick and unfortunately there's nowhere to hide for a longer kiss, if that's what we wanted to do. I try to remember that different cultures have different kissing habits. The English don't kiss much in public, the Latin nations tend to do so... on the cheek, and Russians and Slavs don't seem to mind a bearhug and a kiss on the mouth, that is culturally acceptable. So it would not necessarily pass as gay. I don't think I'm in anyone's face, but I would like to feel safe holding my lover's hand in the street. My way of showing closeness will be to put my hand around his neck, on his shoulder, as two young men might do... or to take his arm, as if I was someone with visual impairment. But I still feel quite frustrated at the anxiety that it causes me. When you've been called names often enough, you just don't try to elicit them. Or else you might be looking for trouble. I think that's why Pride Parades are so important, they are not perfect, but they make it acceptable to display some types behaviour that seem quite normal for straights in a gay context.
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I can relate as I've wondered the same thing! I like to think of myself as a person who doesn't judge others, and in many areas this is true. But there was one group I found I kept judging, and that was those that judged... the Bible thumpers, right wing politicians/pundits, etc. Ultimately I realized that perhaps I wasn't as nonjudgmental as I thought but it was a difference between judging based on who someone is and someone's actions and that there also was a big difference between someone who makes a mistake and someone who continually spreads hate. I still like to think of myself as non-judgmental but I don't claim to be so as much out loud now. I wish I could say if we just show them love, they'll come to love us... but all the money that gets spent, I worry that it needs to be more of a fight sometimes.
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Hugs and short kisses on the cheek or mouth don't bother me, that is generally how I would greet my ex in public. There are certain parts of the city that I feel are safer for that kind of affection, around the campuses where I spend most of my time I don't usually feel threatened. Likewise, certain venues tend to attract more enlightened crowds. The straight club and bar areas can be dangerous when people have been drinking and we all know how a crowd of drunk assholes can be. I was told a story a few years back by someone who got beaten to the point he had to go to the hospital by total strangers in downtown Montreal.
I'm not particularly afraid of being called names, but physical danger is another matter.
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My bf and I hug and hold hands on the streets of this 100% Islamic country with raving fanatics running around. Haven't faced any problems yet. I think it's the confidence that keeps the smart remarks at bay. And looking a little bit dangerous and capable of violence.
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