New Guy, Just kind of depressed...

[Toppo]

In my part of the world there is an organization named ACON. They have weekly get togethers for bisexual and gay teenagers struggling to cope with their orientation. You get to discuss your concerns and issues and get to meet similarly troubled people in your same age group.
Maybe there is an orgainsation in your part of the world you could attend.

[usc823]

Hey everyone, sorry it's been so long since my last reply. I update some forums and miss others, and for that I am terribly sorry. I don't know what is going on at this point. He is still giving me mixed signals, but now more than ever it seems. On one side I feel closer to him than ever. We still have the usual touching and smiling like always. Since we started school this year we have the same lunch hour together. I don't sit with him just because 1) I have my friends I have always sat with since the beginning of time (including his brother) and 2) It would be obvious that we were together if we were to sit together. We are in different social groups and people would know something is up. He does stuff like when I am leaving he still acts depressed, or says stuff like, "aww do you have to go?", sometimes calling me by some cute nickname. Or like the other night when I was leaving and I went out into the hall to tell him bye he put his arm around my waist and I out mine around his and we walked down the hall together. When we got to the end it was like neither of us wanted to separate, like we both didn't want to let go. Then as I was walking out the door he told me to wait, and then he went and grabbed a photo album to show me baby pictures for some reason (he was a cute baby too). While he was doing this he was standing really close to me. I also made a scene while I was leaving and when I was shutting the door I turned around and stuck my head in and grinned at him, and he grinned back. So yea, I feel closer to him than ever, I just don't want to be apart from him...

Now I also feel distant in some aspects. One is that my sister still feels like a obstacle that is in the way of victory. I feel like she is probably his "gay friend" but I'm not sure. Like the other night he texted her for some help on a math problem, and while he was doing so he was really expressive. Like he put exclamation marks on sentences and even used a smiley. He rarely does that with me. Also I found out that at our last football game he and another guy friend were talking with her and they were discussing the boys that My sister likes (including the other guy). Well, after they said "you should go with xxx" he was like "why don't you pick me?" in a sarcastic manner. This worries me in some ways, but not in others. I can pretty much figure out how he would have said it, and more than likely he was trying to be funny seeing that he was the only guy not included in the list. But idk. Also, I was able to come during the 4th quarter of the game and sit with his brother. He was there at first and was rally sweet, asking if I was tired from work and smiling at me. But then after about 10 minutes he got up and went to talk to his friends (I think including my sister) and didn't come back till close to the end of the game. I can't blame him for wanting to hang out with his friends, but I wish he had stayed. Maybe he thought we wanted to be alone, idk. But, after the same game I walked to their car with them and when I was saying bye he put his arm on my back and left it there for a while. Also, he seems to need to be "warmed up" to me. Like when I see him at first he is really nice to me, but seems timid or nonchalant. Like sometimes when I see him at school he will call out my name and smile, other times he will ignore me, but IDK if in these instances he even saw me. Like the other day I saw him walking in front of me and called out to him, and he turned around and smiled, and then walked with me. But then today, we had a fire drill, and he was like 10 feet from me and didn't even acknowledge me until we were going back in the school. He was with a group of friends, so maybe he didn't want them o get any bright ideas. I was somewhat comforted because when we were walking back in he ditched them and walked with me. He sat at lunch with my sisters group today for a little while, which is something I have not seen him do before. Now, normally I would attribute this to him liking her, but the entire table is girls. So you got my guy, who is pretty feminine in his mannerisms, sitting at a table with all girls, and not even next to my sister. IDK what to think, weather or not this is a sign of liking her or being gay. It seems like a 50/50 chance he likes her as a friend or "likes" her. He is nice to her and talks to her, but, as I have said 1,000,000 times ignores her when she is hanging out with us.
IDK what to think. I really, really, really like him and I want to be with him forever. I think maybe the thought of being gay forever, or the rejection he/we would face by our families is getting to him. He may be unsure of what he wants, or what I want for that matter. I can be kind of dismissive of him sometimes when I am trying to cover up my "gayness". He also may be trying to reject it because of being a Christian and when he does show me affection it's the part thats bleeding through uncontrollably. IDK, but whatever the answer I need to find it soon or I am going to lose it...

[dfiant]

Obsession isn't healthy, I was trying not to comment but I just feel that everyone is pussy footing around and not stating the obvious. You are obsessed and you are reading to deeply into things that only seem to exist in your mind.

I think you need to talk to a counsellor.

There is NO victory to be had, and it is sad that you see human emotions in such a light.

Seriously, consider talking to a counsellor, because all this thread seems to be doing is fueling your emotions and I honestly don't think the way you are feeling and behaving is healthy.

Please don't take this as an attack, I hope you can see this as contructive criticism.

[usc823]

I know I am obsessed, and I know I need help. But even being obsessed how am I "reading deeply into things that only seem to exist in your mind"? Obsessed or not, he shows signs of liking me, strong signs. You have to be there to truly understand what I mean. The general consensus on several forums I have posted on is that 1. he likes me, and 2. we already seem to be dating. My problem at this point is that I am a pussy and, yes, I need help because I am obsessed with him. Wouldn't life be so convenient if I had unlimited access to a free counselor that would not instantly out me. Heck, if I said anything to my parents about it I would have to out myself, which would end in bloodshed, or at least my getting kicked out of the house. My life is one big brick wall, I have nobody I can talk to in the real world about this situation. I have outed myself to one friend and my sister. He thinks it's a sin and while he doesn't ridicule me for it, he is not willing to act like it's normal. When I talk to him he tries to "convert" me to straightness. My sister seems hell bent on proving that he likes her and not me, although she has admitted multiple times that she has no interest in him except as a friend. He is a total bottom, and she wants a strong and more "toppy" guy. Plus my family is about as conservative as they get. My dad has a freaking rebel flag on the front porch and has a "don't tread on me" sticker on his car. Let alone having enough weapons to start a small army. So in short, I have an ultra conservative, Bible thumping, southern family that thinks all gays walk around with fairy wings and a butt plug.

To put icing on the cake, yes, I do have emotional problems. Along with the general "southern" attitude, my father has a huge control problem where he and I are always butting heads. Like, he thinks if I try and do anything on my own I am challenging his authority. He screams at my mom and never lets her have a say in anything. He describes out household as a "dictatorship" and he is the dictator. He has always been demeaning of me and makes me feel stupid. He was somewhat abusive when I was a child, whipping me for the stupidest things, chasing me around the house with a belt when I wouldn't come for my "thorough" beating. My mother is at the point where the only reason that she i still with him is because of me and my sister, plus she has no job. Our lives are a living hell, and I find escape in loving this boy. He is my anchor that keeps me sane, and my happy place is anywhere I am with him. When I am with him I forget the problems I have at home. I get shit every time I want to go to his house (part of my dad's control factor), but it is the only place where I can be myself and love him. I would be there all the time if I could. So I do NEED him to a certain extent.

I feel like if I were to lose him (or at least what we have now) I would lose the will to live. I have nothing else going for me. All my "plans" (if you can call them that) for the future revolve around him. I think about life, and it's pointless without him in it. I don't know what I would do (will do) the day that he rejects me...