Sincerely need advice on where I stand sexually (very long)

[bariuke]

Hello. My name is Nick. I am a 27 year old man (which may be kind of old to be having sex identity issues), and I have lead a more-or-less hetero life. I've always known my sexuality wasn't 100% straight, but for my own mental well-being, I want to figure where my sexuality lies.

For much of my life I've been kind of self-loathing because of who I was, and that attitude hasn't been to good to me. Recently I have been making efforts to learn to love myself, and since then I have been happier and more confident, and I have seen my life improving. Part of this process is learning to accept who I am sexually, but to accept that I first have to figure it out, and that's been a bit of a confusing ride, so I'd like to get some insight from others. This post is going to be long, but it's important to me to make sure I explain myself in enough detail because I sincerely want good advice, so I hope that you will be patient enough to read my story. I'm not going to go over my life story, just some of my feelings on sexuality.

Since I've hit puberty, sex with other men has been a recurring thought in my head. It wasn't just a passing curiosity, it was a desire, but one that stayed in my head because, at the time, I was attracted to women.

I never really found men attractive in a conventional sense; I wouldn't look at a man and think “Oh my god he's hot!” or get an erection or anything, but I was still noticing them, even if it was subconscious. I suppose I found women attractive, but I was never obsessed with their looks; I always loved the person rather than the body. I found them aesthetically pleasing, but when it came to sex, the bodies didn't really matter. Breasts were nice to look at, but playing with them never really excited me. I didn't care much about a girl's butt, and I couldn't really care less about what a vagina looked like. Fantasizing about women wasn't bad, but it never got me hard without some visual aid. Fantasizing about men was a different thing; I never thought about kissing them, but fantasizing about other things was very exciting. In my fantasies, nothing excited me more than a penis. For most of my life, however, it was no more than a fantasy.

I've had girlfriends, and it was fun. I liked hanging out with women, and I could be a part of myself that I couldn't really show around other men, so I enjoyed it. Sex with women was good enough. It was enjoyable; I enjoyed the foreplay: the kissing, the fondling, the oral sex. I was good at that stuff. However, the sex part was always awkward to me. The whole idea of putting my penis inside her felt uncomfortable to me. I was always a soft, gentle, passive person, and very act of doing this felt like it went against my nature. Physically it felt alright, but I was never satisfied with it. The very act felt dominant, and that wasn't me. I hated being dominant (I even hate winning at games or sports because I feel bad for the people who lost). The whole time I do it, all that's going through my head is “I hope I don't hurt her.” “If I go to deep it'll hurt her.” “I better not go to fast, it might hurt her.” One time I did go too far and hurt my girlfriend, and it was just a little bit, but I ended up crying. Another girl I was with told me to “fuck (her) brains out,” and hearing that was an immediate and irreparable turn off. I can't do that. I'd rather be on the other end, I thought. Relationships with women always ended up not working out in the end. Every woman I have been with has eventually demanded that I be more of a “man,” be more dominating, and not act so much like a woman. I was never a man as far as traditional gender roles were concerned, nor could I ever be. In my mind, I wasn't a man, nor was I a woman; I was something else, though I never determined what this something else was.

Finally, a few years ago, I decided to act on my curiosity and have sex with another man. I met this nice guy who was also bi-curious, and after talking for a while, we went to a hotel to have our first homosexual experience. Now, I never thought much about kissing a guy, but once we got into it, I was all over him (and him me). I surprised myself how much I was into it. I nearly had an orgasm from just having him inside me. It was definitely an intense experience. However, after it was over, I felt... ashamed. My mind was flooded with thoughts like “what are you doing?” “You're not gay.” for I learned at an early age that homosexuality was shameful. I grew up in a place where even though people tolerated homosexuality, it was easy to tell that they hated it, so I learned from my community, my peers, and my parents, that it was wrong.

That confused me because I couldn't rationally think about my experience. I couldn't tell if I really enjoyed it or not. I eventually thought “okay, I had my gay experience, now to get back to my life.” But fantasies and thoughts about men came back. About a year after my first experience, I ended up having sex with another man. This time, it was a friend of mind who... kinda seduced me when I visited him (I made no effort to resist). This time, after it was done, I became unable to sleep. I was shuddering, and giggling like a little girl the whole night remembering how intense it was and how good it felt.

This all got me even more confused because, as I mentioned before, I never really found men that attractive. I like the way some guys look, but I very rarely get sexually aroused from just looking at a – clothed – man. I never thought of myself as gay. Gay porn wasn't very exciting to me; I'd rather imagine myself with another man rather than see two men having sex. I sought advice from a lesbian friend of mine, and during the conversation I mentioned that “gay people have always accepted me and never ridiculed me for the way I acted, what I liked, or who I was. I've always got along great with them. I'm so compatible with them. I find myself so similar to them.” and it hit me: “could it be that the reason I find gay people so similar to me is because I am gay myself?” "But I don't swoon and obsess over men's bodies, so what makes me gay?"but then I thought, “Yeah, I could learn to have a relationship with a guy, and if I accept this and become comfortable with it, I think I could be happy.”

So there it is. Could I be gay if I have more of a psychological need to be with a guy than a physical one? Would I be acting too rashly if I were to start identifying myself as gay? I'm still not totally sure where I stand sexually. Sorry for the very long post, but I sincerely want input from people who may understand my feelings. Thank you very much.

[jbrowder24]

It is indeed possible you are gay, or bisexual leaning towards men, but have supressed the feelings due to culture. Though more and more youth realize at a young age, there are those who realized later in life. I realized around age 21, but there are others on this board who realized later, even after having been married to a woman and having kids. So why does it take so long to realize? Why did you feel ashamed? Because it's what some of us unfortunately are taught, and what we are taught comes into conflict with who we are. We're told it's not natural by those who don't understand, and yet it is natural. I myself struggled for a couple years before accepting myself for many of the same reasons you seem to be struggling.

You seem to have gay friends, which is a good start and something I didn't have. For me, I found myself turning to magazines and movies (not porn, but comedies and dramas) that featured gay characters. I found that once I realized there were all sorts of gay guys leaving happy lives, including men that were not at all like the stereotype I had been taught, that I was able to accept that I could be gay.

I also think it's normal to not think about the romantic aspect of being with a man until we can accept that it is normal, and that we are normal for being gay (or bi). I think we sometimes do have to rely on that sexual attraction, which many of us are taught is wrong (don't lust, etc), but it's what helps determine where our true nature lies. And once we figure out our true sexual nature and accept ourselves, for those of us into things like marriage, romance, and monogamy, I think it becomes then easier to start imagine ourselves kissing and dating guys, having a same-sex wedding, etc.

It's so great that you are focusing on making yourself happy and figuring all that out, and I wish you luck on accepting who you are, as ultimately you will be the one to decide if you've been in denial as a gay, are bi, or whatever

[fredv3b]

You haven't really talked about how you felt about your girlfriends romantically? Were you romantically attracted to them?

I think it is clear how you stand sexually, from what you say you found sex with men to be far better than sex with women. That said there is far more to being gay (and life in general). I think that you need to work on unlearning that sex and relationships is 'wrong' and then seriously think about whether you could be happy in a relationship with a man.

[pellaz]

here is a good read:
motherjones dot com/politics/2007/08/gay-choice-science-sexual-identity

one of the aspects of ignoring your identity is you take on a a-sexual stance. no reason to not live your live as much as possible. a straight relationship is only the most prevalent path not necessarily the correct one.

[bariuke]

That was an interesting read.

Thanks for all the input people. To answer the question about being romantic with girlfriends: No. I've never been romantic with women. They were more like good friends that I also had sex with. I don't think I've every really felt romantic. I see it when other people have it, but I've never been that way about someone. I long for that feeling, but I haven't been with a man who wanted me romantically.

I wasn't entirely sure what I was, but something inside me is telling me that my inevitable conclusion is going to be "I'm gay" because I know in my heart that what I want is a man, and I really feel that I would be happy with that.

Feels good.

[red06sc]

i know i only feel myself when im on this site. However once i leave here i feel blah, and have to hide myself. So i think we both know what we really want, but the way we are raised it throws us in a big loop. i plan on moving away and finding myself.

[colinmackay]

Hello. My name is Nick. I am a 27 year old man (which may be kind of old to be having sex identity issues), and I have lead a more-or-less hetero life. I've always known my sexuality wasn't 100% straight, but for my own mental well-being, I want to figure where my sexuality lies.

It isn't old at all (although I thought the same). I was 34 when I finally admitted to myself I was gay and 35 when I came out to a friend. Other people do so at a much older age, sometimes far into retirement.

Like you I lead the hetero life but I was miserable. I also tried the getting married and settling down thing (which just ended up being a complete disaster, both financially and emotionally)

I never really found men attractive in a conventional sense; I wouldn't look at a man and think “Oh my god he's hot!” or get an erection or anything, but I was still noticing them, even if it was subconscious. I suppose I found women attractive, but I was never obsessed with their looks; I always loved the person rather than the body. I found them aesthetically pleasing, but when it came to sex, the bodies didn't really matter. Breasts were nice to look at, but playing with them never really excited me. I didn't care much about a girl's butt, and I couldn't really care less about what a vagina looked like. Fantasizing about women wasn't bad, but it never got me hard without some visual aid. Fantasizing about men was a different thing; I never thought about kissing them, but fantasizing about other things was very exciting. In my fantasies, nothing excited me more than a penis. For most of my life, however, it was no more than a fantasy.

Again, I can relate to that. Until I accepted myself I could never really see a guy in the street and think he was hot. Somehow, now, I can. And I had similar thoughts with my fantasies too.

Finally, a few years ago, I decided to act on my curiosity and have sex with another man. I met this nice guy who was also bi-curious, and after talking for a while, we went to a hotel to have our first homosexual experience. Now, I never thought much about kissing a guy, but once we got into it, I was all over him (and him me). I surprised myself how much I was into it. I nearly had an orgasm from just having him inside me. It was definitely an intense experience. However, after it was over, I felt... ashamed. My mind was flooded with thoughts like “what are you doing?” “You're not gay.” for I learned at an early age that homosexuality was shameful. I grew up in a place where even though people tolerated homosexuality, it was easy to tell that they hated it, so I learned from my community, my peers, and my parents, that it was wrong.

You have nothing to be ashamed of. I can understand why you feel that way, I've felt that way too.

Again, I've been around people who I've always felt tolerated (although not necessarily liked) gay people. Negative things were said that could have been about anyone, but the word gay got attached (for no readily apparent reason) and I learned to think negatively about it. And, if they've claimed otherwise, simply have not seen (or cannot see) how harmful their words are (even if the subtle differences are undetectable to them)

That confused me because I couldn't rationally think about my experience. I couldn't tell if I really enjoyed it or not. I eventually thought “okay, I had my gay experience, now to get back to my life.” But fantasies and thoughts about men came back. About a year after my first experience, I ended up having sex with another man. This time, it was a friend of mind who... kinda seduced me when I visited him (I made no effort to resist). This time, after it was done, I became unable to sleep. I was shuddering, and giggling like a little girl the whole night remembering how intense it was and how good it felt.

I love nights like that where I (and my fiancé) end up giggling for ages. I've no idea why, it just seems an overwhelming feeling of pleasure and good feelings.

So there it is. Could I be gay if I have more of a psychological need to be with a guy than a physical one? Would I be acting too rashly if I were to start identifying myself as gay? I'm still not totally sure where I stand sexually. Sorry for the very long post, but I sincerely want input from people who may understand my feelings. Thank you very much.

Only you can answer the question about whether you are gay or not, or should start identifying as gay. All I feel I can do is show you that what you are feeling is normal and that there are others like you.

If you don't feel particularly turned on my women then I don't see why you must have a physical need to be with a man. A psychological need (for companionship) with a man is enough. Some couples have a high sex drive, some low or non-existent. In the long term I don't think sex (if that's what you mean by the physical need) is the most important factor.

I hope I've helped in some way.

[bariuke]

Again, I can relate to that. Until I accepted myself I could never really see a guy in the street and think he was hot. Somehow, now, I can. And I had similar thoughts with my fantasies too.

Well I'm very happy to hear this. I have found myself the same way. Since I have started accepting who I am I've been seeing guys differently. Guys are looking increasingly more attractive, and girls increasingly less. When I first realized that I was staring at a guy and was getting turned on, I shook my head and thought "wait, did that really happen?" I looked again... Yup, it really happened.

[SleepTalker]

Hey Nick. You yourself have said that you feel a stronger desire to be with a man then with a women. You enjoyed sex more with a man then with a woman. I think you may be gay or bi.