Passionless Texting "Romance"

[Angelesgymrat]

A few months ago I met someone online--a much younger guy still in high school and not quite 18, so nothing could happen until he turned 18--a few months away. A "texting" relationship began. I was never wild about him physically and yet I did become attached, in a way. He was becoming attached to me, too. I have a pretty solitary life and enjoyed the attention, fed on the attention, but he always claimed he wasn't getting what he wanted from me. (We did meet once or twice for coffee.) I loved the sound of texts coming to my device! Then he turned 18 and we did get together... He aroused all sorts of emotions in me but not lust. Ethnicity, face, body--that kind of thing was missing. It was warm and cuddly with him but clearly he didn't get what he wanted from me sexually and even before the first time HE'D ALREADY MET ANOTHER MAN ONLINE and said he loved us both "equally." I wanted to go on, even without passion, but when I found out he really was sleeping with the other man, that was too much and, without saying anything, I "drifted away." He sent me a few smiling emoticons etc and I made polite conversation but it all died away. It's only been a few days. I know that, in a way, I led him on...he seemed like a SAFE person, so different from my usual type, and so I thought I could make a go of it. But for someone his age who likes men 30 or 40 years older it must be very easy to find something with someone else... So.. no texts anymore... I've left a lot out here...I know what happened and why, and yet it still hurts and I will need time to heal. I know he was in love with me and I enjoyed that and I did feel a strong attachment to him without ever wanting him the way he wanted to be wanted.
Anybody ever been there, from either perspective? Any thoughts? Thanks :-)

[Jay]

A few months ago I met someone online--a much younger guy still in high school and not quite 18, so nothing could happen until he turned 18--a few months away. A "texting" relationship began. I was never wild about him physically and yet I did become attached, in a way. He was becoming attached to me, too. I have a pretty solitary life and enjoyed the attention, fed on the attention, but he always claimed he wasn't getting what he wanted from me. (We did meet once or twice for coffee.) I loved the sound of texts coming to my device! Then he turned 18 and we did get together... He aroused all sorts of emotions in me but not lust. Ethnicity, face, body--that kind of thing was missing. It was warm and cuddly with him but clearly he didn't get what he wanted from me sexually and even before the first time HE'D ALREADY MET ANOTHER MAN ONLINE and said he loved us both "equally." I wanted to go on, even without passion, but when I found out he really was sleeping with the other man, that was too much and, without saying anything, I "drifted away." He sent me a few smiling emoticons etc and I made polite conversation but it all died away. It's only been a few days. I know that, in a way, I led him on...he seemed like a SAFE person, so different from my usual type, and so I thought I could make a go of it. But for someone his age who likes men 30 or 40 years older it must be very easy to find something with someone else... So.. no texts anymore... I've left a lot out here...I know what happened and why, and yet it still hurts and I will need time to heal. I know he was in love with me and I enjoyed that and I did feel a strong attachment to him without ever wanting him the way he wanted to be wanted.
Anybody ever been there, from either perspective? Any thoughts? Thanks :-)

Angelesgymrat, no offense. But how could you consider him to be in love with you when he was also sleeping with the other man?

I think it's a good thing that you have 'dropped' him entirely. He maybe good but you'll find someone else who is much better than him in the future.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

We English speakers are denying much when we use love as a catch all word for an emotion that has many depths and meanings. After all we Love mom, Love apple pie, Love our lover, Love our sibling, Love our dog, Love the color plaid (OK so plaid isn't a color I failed gay 101 - sue me :tongue )

The Greeks had more than one word for 'love', four of them: Agápe, Philia, Storge, Éros

Each is love, but they are different.

I suspect that this kid had/has a deep sense of philia for you.

Philia is a virtuous love without the passion of Eros (sexual love), but it is a strong bond. Good friends, mentors, "brothers in blood" (not necessarily family) can have this deep sense of love.

I suspect you also have a deep philia type love for him as well, thus the lack of lust.

I think a second thing working against us (LGBT) is that we have fallen into the trap of thinking that we must have an eros type love in order to be 'in love' with another. Thus the idea that two men can actually have a strong loving relationship and not have sex or a need for sex is seen as being 'unreal' and 'impossible' thus it is assumed there is something 'wrong' here.

His saying "I love you equally" is most likely a truth, at least the truth as he understands the complexities of love. He most likely has a strong philia for you while at the same time having a strong sense of eros for this other guy.

He most likely gets satisfaction from the relationship between you and him that he does not get with the Eros guy he is with. Philosophers who discuss love tend to agree that an equal ratio of all of the types of love is rarely found in one person we love. We tend to have more eros over agápe, or more of the philia than the eros, etc. Thus most of us need more than one person to love, thus we have our lover and our friends, where we share one form of love more with our lover, and may even share another form more with our friends than our lover.

Ultimately I cannot open up his head and see his mind, so I have no idea what exactly it is he feels and thinks on the matter. Nor can I do the same for you. You can only judge the depth and meaning of 'love' in this case for yourself.





Types of love: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Greek_words_for_love

[Jay]

O that type of love.

Okay, got it. Carry on folks.

Thanks for the explanation, Bowyn.

[Angelesgymrat]

Thank you for that response--I loved reading and learning from it.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

Your welcome.