Ugh, I've been really angry, I'm usually angry, but through the power of sublimation, and denial, I get through lol Being gay is difficult...I'm the eldest of 2, I HAVE to lead by example; I have to be a LEADER, there is NO other option for me....I excel in scholastic pursuits, sports, Martial Arts, all to over-compensate for liking the boys more than I should lol I have so much going for me, so blessed with so much RAW determination...but I can't get over this...anyways to ease the anger with my sexuality?
Let me say I'm NO gay-bashing homophob, I'm NOT, I'm very accepting of everyone, and I like just being around anyone, and everyone because differences make life better than similarities....but I'm very uncomfortable around other gay guys...I tend to send out mixed-signals....I don't mean to, but I'm just in a shit-storm of emotions right now, and honestly, boozing and 'using' (Only pot guys don't loose it on me lol) has helped somewhat....my sexuality hit me like a TON of bricks all at once....I repressed it during puberty, like to the point of not even knowing I HAD a sexuality....then it re-emerged around 19...it's been hell ever since...god, I just don't like it for ME, but I think it's OK to be gay, but I don't see it as being ok for myself....
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What would be wrong if you had a nice hard working boyfriend from a respectable family?
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Fred
Life is what happens while you are busy making other plans.
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fredv3b Wrote:What would be wrong if you had a nice hard working boyfriend from a respectable family?
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Nothing at all! But I do think that this is a numbers game; the gay population isn't nearly as large now as the straight population....it just seems like one broken life coming into contact with another with no regard for the next....you meet up, have a shallow irritating interest in each other, than you screw, and that's it; and that's sparing you the gruesome details in between....lol it's one depressing move from one to another, in an effort to put the last 'failed attempt at love' behind you....it's what I keep finding, anyway....
It's hard to lie to yourself when you can FEEL the truth oozing out of the other person....I can't explain it in words, but even though I've only bedded 6 guys it was virtually the same every time...I can FEEL their desperation, their desire, to leave their broken life for a moment....I took their feelings into myself, and I'm STILL trying to excrete them...even though I Top (usually) I still felt as though they tuned ME completely out and only used my penis as the "answer" to their philosophical dilemma/problem: "How can I be happy?"...They literally "haunt" me to this DAY.
We could've gotten further, had we have talked....it's also pretty sad that their sex drive was also so weak....and trust me, I didn't walk away with a swollen ego...I just walked away more empty than when I began....loosing a bit more each time....I sincerely doubt the validity, and the practicality of this lifestyle I've brought myself to.
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*laughs* It's a shame, you see all the movies, "Boy meets Boy, boy and boy hit it off, boy and boy fall out, boy and boy reconcile, and boy and boy live happily ever after" lol It's a shame it doesn't exist...nobody seems to have the stamina (emotionally, or mentally) to substantiate a true relationship anymore...Ah, but I'm complaining! lol
I'd like to just be with a guy...but WHY can't I just accept it? Why do I dissociate from it...? I'm outwardly really happy go lucky, and put off a genuinely good vibe, I include EVERYONE in anything I do, (I don't believe that anyone should be separated from the HUMAN race) not to mention EXTREMELY idealistic.....but not so high flung as to not be able to come back down to earth! lol
I just can't shake the feeling that my being gay is just a psychological defense mechanism towards my father....in that I was emotionally estranged from him at an early age, and now I suppose I try to make up for it by being with men (usually older) Though I am attracted to them, How, HOW can I rectify this in my mind? Why do I always feel so bad about it...?
It just feels like I'll just be hurt time and again if I continue down this path.....it just seems pointless and masochistic....
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10-19-2011, 03:45 PM
(Edited 10-20-2011, 07:45 AM by fredv3b.)
What is the gay 'lifestyle'?
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Fred
Life is what happens while you are busy making other plans.
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A lifestyle is a choice, you can choose the way you live your life...but you cannot choose your sexuality, hence sexuality isn't a lifestyle.
Reading through a lot of your posts Osiris, you seem to associate your sexuality with your fractured relationship with your father. You seem to blame too much of what has happened to you on that fractured relationship rather than standing up and saying 'I fucked up', or 'I am what I am'.
Yes, your relationship with your father has undoubtedly affected the way you think and the way you act, but it isn't your father that is living your life. It is your life to live, so live it your way, live it the way that makes you feel comfortable and happy.
Your mothers advice 'Never ever depend on him for anything' is very good advice given the circumctances...BUT she didn't say that you should stop loving him, he is your father.
You cannot depend/rely on any person who is abusing drugs or alcohol because their priority is the habit, drugs and alcohol become their mistress, and when you need that person the most they more than likely won't be there, but that doesn't mean you should stop loving them, it merely means you can't trust them.
Yes, I also think seeking some counselling wouldn't be a bad thing, you need to be shown the tools to use to help you deal with all this stuff in your head. Don't think of seeking advice from a counsellor as a weakness, It's like this - Lets just say you have a garden shed where all the tools and equipment has been thrown into the shedd willy nilly over the years. One day it gets so cluttered that you cannot get into the shed, you want to clean it up and organise it, but you just don't know where to start so you seek advice from a gardener who shows you the best way to deal with the clutter. He stands there and advises you the best way to sort your shed to be lest cluttered and much easier to use and maintain into the future.
The gardener to the garden shed is like the Counsellor to your mind ;-)
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hello there,
By the sounds of it you got too much worry on ya shoulders and need to realise lead by example is old traditions in todays society people make their own choice and decisions and your younger sibling will do whats best for the individual... Dont supress yourself you state that you need to lead by example well one thing to show is to be happy in yourself to show that life is life and no matter what everyone has the right to be happy including you... If you fight with yourself over this your make things worse for you only no one else...
After you read this my best advice is stand back look at your life and allow nature to go where its ment to be and let the pieces of lifes puzzle fall naturally instead of trying to put them in where they dont belong
kindest regards
zeon x
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i think your dealing with the same kinda issues as me. When im alone or on this site im 100% ok with being gay. Once im around family i feel ashamed and i start to question myself. Its a mental battle. The point is i think its all about who your hanging out with.
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zeon Wrote:hello there,
By the sounds of it you got too much worry on ya shoulders and need to realise lead by example is old traditions in todays society people make their own choice and decisions and your younger sibling will do whats best for the individual... Dont supress yourself you state that you need to lead by example well one thing to show is to be happy in yourself to show that life is life and no matter what everyone has the right to be happy including you... If you fight with yourself over this your make things worse for you only no one else...
After you read this my best advice is stand back look at your life and allow nature to go where its ment to be and let the pieces of lifes puzzle fall naturally instead of trying to put them in where they dont belong
kindest regards
zeon x
Quite easily said, not so easily done; you know as well as I do that we we're all at one point raised by heterosexual parents, in a heterosexual world for a large portion of most of our lives; Leading by example is an even greater challenge when you're an "Army of One". You're asking me to surrender my brother to chance? To give up being the ONE TRUE THING that I've always enjoyed being/doing? I won't....He means much more to me than anyone else in the world. Based on that appeal, what happiness could I find pretending to like men? I still have not discerned whether this is a legitimate sexual preference, OR if it's just a coping mechanism for emotional neglect; I was severely emotionally neglected by both parents coming up, both gendered roles put me in a place of emotional indifference; I see neither sex as more preferable to the other; in fact, neither is preferred to being alone to me. Sexuality cannot be so simple as deciding/knowing where you like to place your penis....
I'm STILL in the ego-dystonic phase of homosexuality; I do not under any CURRENT circumstances find pleasure in being with a male. It's not an aspect of my psyche that I find pleasing so it's dissociated....in fact, I'm not on par with sexuality period....
I think until I have a firm grasp on my mental state, I cannot TRULY know the direction my sexuality takes...
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