Coming out is complicated, huh?

[fyjoe]

OK, so I'm in a bit of a coming out situation. I've been married to a woman for the last 6 years. Already, this poses a bit of a complication for the whole coming out thing, eh? So, recently, in a little bit of an intense conversation (alcohol was involved) with my wife, I simultaneously came out to her and identified her as a trangendered male. For me, I've kind of known but not admitted to myself for a long time, and for her it's something I'd been suspecting for some time, and it just kind of came out.

Well, I was right on both counts, it seems, but the complicated thing now is that I don't really get the chance to explore or learn more about my own feelings. Her transition to being a him is a much bigger transition, and I feel like I don't have a right to have concerns or curiosities about my own transition, or at least not at this moment (I feel like I should be supporting him). Maybe I'm just whining, but I feel like I want to learn more about myself and about how I'm feeling, as well, but I also want to support him. That doesn't mean I want to go sleep around or anything like that (I'm leaving the country in a couple months, anyway), but I would like the opportunity to reflect for myself, rather than just play support for someone else. Does anyone have any thoughts that might assist? Thank you in advance. ^_^

PS: I haven't told anyone but him, but he's been able to come out as a trans man to several people already. I also have a public job (and am going into another public job) which is not supportive of out and out homosexuality, so that's another complication.

[Wolf]

There is nothing wrong with wanting to come to terms with your own feelings, and its only natural you'd want to support your partner with his coming out. I believe the key here would be to find a good balance between taking time to support your partner and also taking time to come to terms with your own sexuality. Because i don't know you or your exact situation, i have to leave when to do each one up to you.

[cloud999]

Whoa! A gay man marrying a transgendered male? The freudian possibilities make my head spin.

You should consider yourself lucky...instead of a nasty divorce, you can just help your wife become a husband. Do you have issues with being married to a transgendered person?

[Bowyn Aerrow]

I strongly urge you to seek out a couple's counselor.

You are not whining. And while I applaud your willingness to be 100% sportive to your spouse, I have to point out that it is a bit selfish.

Yes I know that it doesn't feel selfish, however it is, you are willing to 'martyr' yourself and your emotions and needs, that is a selfish act. It will also lead to tiny seeds of resentment being planted. Resentment, while coming from the tiniest of seeds, tends to grow into a giant thorny vine that both smothers and rips apart the relationship.

I see no reason why you can't focus on yourself and your spouse. You both have needs, not only as individuals but as a couple too.

I assume that your use of the word 'transition' means that your spouse is going to go through the operation. If so you need to be aware that it is a fairly long process and your spouse will have to undergo a lot of therapy to get the psychological paperwork needed to undergo surgery.

As such, your husband will have a lot of professional help to help him through the transition, you... not so much, or none at all if you do not do anything.

[fyjoe]

Thank you to everyone for their thoughts and advice. It is definitely a complicated situation, and we actually spent quite a while talking about this situation last night (interesting how doing something simple like post on a forum gave me to guts to approach the subject in person). We're thinking about our options and figuring out what the best approach for both of us will be.

So, things are much better, and I'm actually a lot happier now than I was yesterday. Funny how quickly a shift can come about in such a long term relationship. It's gonna be a long process, but I think we're a pretty lucky couple in a lot of ways.

PS: He's not planning to do the bottom surgery, but rather the masectomy and hormone therapy. Also, the country we're going to be living in next year is actually more supportive of transitioning individuals than the US, so that'll work out pretty well, too.

[Dreamer]

Wow, that's a complex situation.

Continue working on yourself, and if you have the time, help your wife with her transition.

But, if you're moving to another country (I'm assuming without her), you should consistently assist her with her own transition as much as possible, before focusing too much energy for your own coming out. If you love her, give her all of the support she needs before you leave.

You'll have plenty of time to find yourself, and to come to terms with a lot of things, once you move away.

I can't say much about your job situation, other than be yourself, and keep your sexual orientation to yourself, if coming out at work may jeopardize your hired status, or increase any hostility towards you. That's really up to you.

Personally, I see no reason to come out to employees, or managers at the work place, since your personal life should be kept at home, and your work life is just there to pay the bills. Why mix the two? Unless, it's really something you consider a high priority to get off your shoulders, go ahead.

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Who needs to come out? Do straight people come out? Fuck them its not they're fucking business

[Rawr]

I somewhat agree with you. I find it weird that in most cases people explain it to people as if they have a life threatning disease. I guess it's just comon courtesy to let people know so that they arn't as shocked when they notice it.

I do wonder if sexuality will ever have full acceptance. A day where no one needs to come out, as what is so different to being gay or straight? Futhermore, on this day, will anyone be gay or straight? or will everyone be brought up bi-sexual. Yes, you will have people who prefer girls and some boys, but will people still be labeled differently?

I'm not personally out, though it doesn't bother me that much. I don't disclose my sexuality to many people, and I think some may know or think otherwise. When the time comes, if it comes, they will notice I guess.