Lately it feels like I've stopped at a crossroad where i don't know where to turn. My life in general has been pretty miserable. For 4 years have I just been Literally siting in my bed playing games and smoking pot to ease my depression but i feel like I have to go on with my life.
I have never been a social guy, there was a while I tough i was Aspergers cause i had similar behavior but I got it negative when i tested for it. I am the typical Neurotic person but never that bad...
I have never had a girl friend and I'm still virgin. I have always been curios in sex but always had to low self-esteem. I never had the courage to ask anyone out. But only 2 years ago when i were 16 i started to notice boys... It little but still.  I realized that i wasn't focusing on the women when i was masturbating but on the men. I just tough it was a phase for the moment but it accelerated by the years and making me more confused :confused:
After my graduation i went unemployed and still are. As the summer went on i just sat and dreamed how to spend my life but yet very afraid of choosing the wrong path. I couldn't help to notice that i had start dreaming about men also, very intensely. Dreams of like doing a fake suicide to escape the country and get my self a new identity and get a boyfriend. Yet the only thing i do wish for is to escape out of the country, Sweden doesn't suck but i just want a new start in my life either way how i live it. I just think its strange that i actually start consider that i am gay and it depresses me a lot. The fact that the stereotypical gay sickens me, a man jumping around being more feminine then girls do i find repulsing (Sorry). I though that you was turned on by men (masculinity). That makes me hesitate but also I am so afraid of coming out and if i will never will have the courage to do.
All that i keep close is pretty homophobic and I'm raised with it, though I am not and never has. My mother has always been pretty liberal, best way to describe her is just hippie... but my father is quite conservative. But what I am most afraid of is to loose my Brother and my best friend cause both hates them... like my friend keeps comment every time something that has to do with gay, that it is just so freaking disgusting.
I am only 18 though and a virgin but i can't deny that I'm attracted to men. There is a buddy that I use to lan and play games with. I had been friends with him since i was 13 but he changed school and i didn't see him for 2 years I think. We contacted each other one day 1 year ago and I had never seen him like that before. He was still the same old guy yet a bit taller and longer hair but was attracted to him like hell. He is maybe an inch shorter then me and I'm 190 cm long, he is slim with no specific muscular shape, he very dark brown hair that reaches down to his neck, he has emerald green eyes and wears Hiphop inspired clothes with a keffiyeh (Palestinian scarf). Just so rebellious looking. Every time I've been laning with him I had at least dreamed once of having him in bed and many times i have though of stroking his chin and kiss him as he sits in front of me with his computer but yet i have hesitated. I have even tried to come out with being gay but i always gets cold feet. It isn't just nervousity, I literally feel my heart pumping through my chest and the blood rushing at max speed through my neck, just in a panicking. He is the least homophobic person i know but he is 100% straight, he cares little what other likes and does and nothing can change his sexuality. I accept that but it would been nice just talking to someone about it but the fear of rejection and getting the rumors out is to much.
The point is... What can i do in this situation? Am i just confused and if this is real what can i do without loosing anyone? I am still the same person and don't wish to loose the little i got. I meant no offense in this, if anyone took it that way.
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"The fact that the stereotypical gay sickens me, a man jumping around being more feminine then girls do i find repulsing (Sorry). I though that you was turned on by men (masculinity). That makes me hesitate but also I am so afraid of coming out and if i will never will have the courage to do."
-my partner is very different than i. i look at what a guy brings to the table in a relationship, looks are a part of it too but there are lots of other issues.
-a fem boy, gay or straight, can tell you a lot about acceptance and strength / courage.
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I think sometimes why some gay/bi/curious guys end up looking down on more feminine/flamboyant behavior is because we have seen how those we know that are prejudiced treat these people; the names that are called; etc. And we become afraid if we admit to ourselves who we are, that it means becoming like these men, and enduring the same things. It somehow becomes easier to say, 'But I'm not like that,' and join in on the prejudice. You need to accept that there are all sorts of gay/bi men out there, of all different habits, hobbies, looks, mannerisms, etc. You need to accept that no one is a lesser person because of how they act, but first you need to accept yourself. You need to accept that if you are gay, it does not change who you are.
I am not quite sure how things are in Sweden, but are there larger cities that are more open you could end up going to, meet some new friends? You are not tied down to those you know. And you may find you are surprised that some end up accepting you for who you are once they realize someone they know is gay, and still the same great guy. But because you are scared, perhaps it's best to try and find gay friends in the area, ones you can trust. Are there any organizations or clubs or anything?
I think you should give your friend the benefit of the doubt if he is as not caring about things as you belief, but perhaps you can test the water on his views. Ask him his thoughts on something going on in culture or politics that relates to gays. A true friend can be a trusted friend - is he a true friend?
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i would talk to your friend, there has to be a lbgt organization, for example:
glbtcolorado dot org
"same old guy yet a bit taller and longer hair but was attracted to him like hell." dont wast your love on a straight boy.
its my guess, talk to your friend, you might find a true friend... but if you fail go on to the next.
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Well in population Sweden has around the total amount of London it self approx. The biggest city Stockholm (And capitol) has around 847,073 people just so you could get some perspective. Sweden is actually one of the most (At least what I've heard) ONE OF THE MOST (Not the best) gay friendly (When it comes to rights and such) countries in Europe. But the gay population isn't that high and many looks down on it. There are many that doesn't confess that they are a racist or open with it, but many are and many says things, and few does things behind closed drapes. IF anything happens, it happens under strict discretion.
My city Eskilstuna, is called little Chicago for a reason. It is the 10'th biggest city and the third most criminal, just after Stockholm (2) and Gothenburg (1). If you compare the size of Stockholm that is the biggest and Gothenburg that is the second biggest city to Eskilstuna that is only the 10'th biggest city, you can understand why. Eskilstuna is one of the cities in Sweden that takes the most Refugees and Foreigner. The majority is still Swedes but after it comes Arabs, Kurds and other kind of Middle eastern ethnicities. Finns just comes at third place when it used to be second, there is also a lot of Somalians (And other African states), Chinese, Thai, Vietnamese and Yugoslav's. This means there are A LOT of cultural clashes. Many of them are also very religious and so there is also a lot of religious clashes as well, but also many of them see Homosexuality as Sodomy and so obviously there is many that literally hates them.
But how do i know who i can trust? In general i have hard trusting people and just have a few close friends (But no one that i could talk about this). I know 2 gay persons from my old class in High school but i were never any close to them, but i could talk to them as classmate. I do not trust them for a bit, they are both pretty close to a ''Friend'' of my brother and i know that both of them are pretty gossipy.
If i seemed a bit judgmental on my previous text wasn't it meant to. I don't really care my self for what you are or does, as long as you treat me with respect i will do the same. I am scared yes thats why I'm still in the closet. All my life I've tried to be something that I'm not until i forgot who i was and now i stand afraid where this might take me. The only thing i know is when i look upon the gays from my class, i just feel that i fear to become one of them, screaming pink wearing flamboyants (had hard to set a word for it).
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Hello there,
I would probably recommend you get shot of the pot because you stated it helps with your depression which No it doesnty it just helps you forget whats going on around you... The next thing you may want to do is start to lift your spirit up by loving yourself and working on self esteem... Why not play around with your look over a few months style your hair different ways and say to yourself.... Who gives a fuck its my life my body and ill do what i want to do... Low esteem can hold people back but it tends to be caused by something which is standing in their way... This guy who you like who is 100% straight you could always try coming out to him that your gay and see where that goes... Explain to him that friendship[ is about honesty in your eyes and you want to be honest with someone who you regard as a true good friend... Of course dont reveal how much you want to take hold of him because that will sare him off... With regards to wanting to cuddle him and that you could always go bowling or something and as a celebratory thing give him a man hug as people do in sports lol... Confusion is something that happens alot in life expecially with sexuality issues as people dont want to admit where they stand in life at times.... I found that when i was coming to terms with my sexuality I was able to understand and accept it more freely because I was able to be myself... Fortunately I lived in a society whereby beingh gay was part of the norm because brighton has a large gay population here
Kindest regards
zeon x
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If you have been surrounded by negative attitudes to gay people all your life it is not difficult to see why you have absorbed some of them. There are many places in Western Europe where attitudes have changed very quickly following a sudden influx of immigrants. Amsterdam has seen the fastest rise in reported gay hate crimes. That's a statistic that is very difficult to take in. :frown:
You will not turn into an extroverted, squealing person if you decide that you are gay. As you say, you will still be you. That image of gay people is a common one, because people who behave like that are more easily noticed. I expect you would be surprised at the number of gay men who are just getting on quietly with their lives in your town. I am guessing that there are going to be many more than you think.
I moved in to live with my father several years ago. Even after I thought he had come to terms with me being gay (I only came out a few years ago) he still thought it was okay to tell me just before he died that he was glad I didn't start "flapping my arms around in an offensive way". It is difficult to work out people's thought processes sometimes :mad: As for my brother, I thought he was okay with it, but I found out this year that he isn't. He told me that my partner should not attend my father's funeral and some other terrible things. As far as I am concerned once all the details of property and inheritance have been sorted and I have found somewhere else to live I can see no reason for maintaining contact with my brother, and that does not make me sad. I have people who are far more precious to me now and they are the people I want to have in my life.
Coming out takes practice. First of all you have to accept yourself. After I was sure about myself I found it easier to talk to friends before I came out to family. I started very hesitantly with one friend and gradually I became more confident talking about it. It was though I had to practise the words so they could become part of my everyday language. Many straight people seem to think that coming out is unnecessary. I believe they are wrong, because, until we can talk about our lives in the same terms as everyone else, we always have this big secret, which we worry about people discovering. Once you can come out, there is no more secret and the relief of that is huge. Straight people will never get that.
If you worry that being able to tell the truth about yourself means losing people you have around you, you risk losing yourself instead. In my opinion that is much more damaging.
Best wishes.
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Sometimes i feel that there isn't anything more inside me to loose... That it got stolen a long time ago. t The only thing I feel i got left is my family and that few friends. How does most act when you are coming out? I like the way i dress and got my hair, appearance wise don't I like that I'm quite overweight. Its very hard to loose it and it isn't hot with a beer keg instead of flat or abs. I got dreads and a trimmed chinstrap beard and its not like i can cut my tummy of hehe.
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I say just be yourself and try coming out to your friend. You said he seemed like the least homophobic person you know. You deserve to be happy. At the end of the day thats all that matters.
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i think that lots of guys are worryed that a gay person saw them in the shower and that they might have been attracted toward them and that means that the guy wants anel sex with them on the bottom and they fear this
for the reason that they would then be gay as far as the world is concened be it rational or not of corse
everyone thinks thee same like most very fearful homopobes are afrade of the fact they deep down have some
feelings toward gay sex and if it wasent for thoes damm queers they would never be tempted.
and of corse they need to prove their compleat hetrosexuality. thats why lots of parents can't accept their children because the other people they know will feel it's their fault the kid is homo alot of the responsability
is regilious caused whitch wants more people in the world so they would become richer and more powerfull
so if you can understand there is more to fight the addatudes of people and it seems to be changing slowly
i personly hate the tv show gay as folks because it is really a ploy against the gay people in my opinon
because thats the part that stright people dont like to be pushed in their faces. I know i do not appricate seeing some stright couple flanting sex in the street i alwayse think get a motel and most strights dont like it in the street either no mater what your orentation.
if they showed gay couples liveing together and such great renforcing the thought there might be a romantic relationship for gays not just a quick flick in the bushes in the park since they and we are taugh that there cant be any true romance or true love beteween gay couples untill they meet some couples in the world or their sons or daughters that have a normal relationship i know it is harder for us because we cant hardly be more than just physical untill we are allowed to be more open in regular life.
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