My problem!

[2Slippery4U]

I'm in a long standing relationship with a very lovelly guy... were both very lucky, have a lovelly home and nice things etc.. But, I feel it's not enough! And I believe he feel's the same?? But I don't wanna mention it just in case he's not... what do I do??

[Shadow]

Ok ... let's start with you (i.e. start with what we do know) ... when you say :-

I feel it's not enough!

What exactly do you feel is lacking exactly ? It sounds like the relationship brings you stability, security, peace, happiness to a degree, pleasant surroundings, lovel and so on ... how's the physical side (if you don't mind my asking) ?

Not that I place overwhelming faith in the zodiac, but like stereotypes there are certain things that are at least modestly true ... such as the fact that Scorpios are generally-speaking horny as hell ... and the most lusty sign of the Zodiac ... how does that apply to you ? Again, if you don't mind my asking ...

Turning now to your partner, how old is he ? How long have you been together ? How long have you lived together ? Is it at all possible that you feel you've missed something ? Perhaps you think you got into a relationship too soon ? Anything like that ??

Lay it on me :biggrin:.

xx

!?!?! Shadow !?!?!

[Michael]

Yep, we need a lot more info to really get the agony aunts...agonizing!

But overall? It depends on my relationship test. How does it bother you and how much can you take?

No relationship is perfect. Something missing? Enough to try it all over or just a nagging? Are you staying because you are comfortable or too lazy to leave...or worried about hurting him by leaving?

For me, the absolute worst thing that I can imagine happening is my partner staying with me out of pitty or boredom. It's never wrong to talk to each other, whether he feels the same or not. You do. If he does or does not, you can only make things better if you work on them and know that there might be a problem. That requires comunication.

If you feel something is missing, talk to him or feel will turn into actions and that may be too late to fix things.

[2Slippery4U]

Well if I'm being honest guys all of the above I guess... boredom, laziness, pitty... must I go on!!

We've been together nearly four year's, he's twenty eight and I've just turned thirty... OMG!! is this my mid-life crisis??? :eek:

As for the physical side... well it's more a chour than a pleasure? But, Scorpio's are as you said Shadow "horney as hell"... and I am, just not for my partner.

When I walk around town I even kinda wish that I bumped into my x just for a little excitment??? How weird is that?

HELP! :confused:

[Shadow]

Ok pause pause pause.

We're running before we can walk here.

How important is fidelity to you in your relationship with your boyfriend ? I'm assuming that it's not an open relationship ? Otherwise this wouldn't be an issue ... and given your present predicament, I'm guessing that it's him that is a bigger fan of monogamy than yourself ...

Unfortunately this is one of those situations where I'm just going to have to present you with the cold, hard facts ...

Relationships are malleable - even the most rigid are (just less so than more normal ones). They have to be, as the parties therein grow and develop as they go. There is nothing that says you should keep a relationship going beyond the point of common sense, and staying with somebody simply because you've nothing better to do, or because you pity them, is most definitely the wrong way of going about being in a relationship.

It sounds like you're experiencing, not a mid-life crisis (you're too young, thankfully !!), but definitely a grass is greener scenario, so my advice to you at this time is as follows :-

1) Take a good, long look at your relationship. There must have been something good in it for it to have a) lasted this long, and b) been created in the first place ... what was it ? Is it still there ?

2) Ask yourself whether you love your partner;

3) Ask yourself whether you're in love with your partner (because there is a big difference);

4) Ask yourself whether you want your existing relationship to continue, because as I see it, if you do, then you can pep things up a number of ways ... you could see how he'd feel about making the relationship more open; you could try and add some pazazz to your sex-life; you could sit down with him and have a perfectly from-the-heart conversation explaining how you feel, and asking him for his input. It seems equally unfair that if you have a massive sex drive and he doesn't, you're left feeling significantly unfulfilled in terms of YOUR sex-drive ... relationships are all about give 'n take, after all mile:.

5) If you DON'T want your relationship to continue, then consider ending it - if this isn't a phase; if, after careful consideration you're SURE that this relationship is dead in the water, then a clean break so you can both get on with your lives might be the kindest thing ...

... but for my part ? I'd try and make it work ... four years is a good investment of your time and his, and so I think he probably deserves being dealt with on the level ... you'll feel better about yourself too I should wager ...

... which brings me to ...

6) I would not sleep around behind his back ... it's beneath you, and unless you have some serious justification (like a massive revenge attack or something ?), he probably doesn't deserve it ... not that I know him or anything mile:.

That's what I think at any rate xx

!?!?! Shadow !?!?!

[Michael]

Aaaaaaah grasshopper, take the pebble from my hand!

I can"t really ad anything to that perfect post, except to reconfirm something Shadow said. If it is over, that"s also ok. Sad perhaps, but four for four years you seem to have had a good time and cared for each other...but sometimes things change. So if your feelings have, it"s ok to say so and move on.

I'd also take a look back and see for how long you've been feeling this way. Sometimes we get so in a rut that we just let an ok thing continue just because we are too lazy to get out...or to comfortable.

Take a good look at Shadows post and decide what is fair for both of you. There is no law that says once you reach four years it has to be the one. In fact, four years is just about the time we all look back and take stock. Is this what we want? Or is it time to throw in the towel and search for that extra something.......

Also....is this just a sex thing? If it is, you can work something out between you, if not the perfect thing. Relationships are about compromise on both your parts. If it's more than sex it might be a good time to really take stock of both your feelings.

One last thing. The grass is rarely ever greener....just a different shade of green. 99% of the time we change one problem in one person for a different problem in someone else. Once the honeymoon is over is when the real relationship work begins. Anyone can make a relationship work when it's all sparks and hot, horny sex. In fact, that phase lasts about......you guessed it, 4 years.

Gay men have an insatiable Peter Pan complex. Don't hit 40 and realize it's too late to build anything lasting because you spent all your time acting like a teenager. If you don't fit, then don't torture either of you. If you just can't be a grown up and make sacrifices for another person...time to take a long look at yourself. (I'm not saying this is the case, just one that happens all to often.)

[2Slippery4U]

Thank you guys... it take's an outside view to realise what you have. It is a big investment on both our parts, and there has been some real good times... guess in life you can't always see the wood from the tree's!

Will keep you posted x x

[Shadow]

You're welcome hun, no worries ... thank YOU for being so honest !

It's only when people really open up and share what's on their minds that you're able to give them THE most objective advice, and so you helped yourself by levelling with us, and sometimes that takes balls to do.

.

!?!?! Shadow !?!?!

[Michael]

I listen to freind who tell horror stories of ex's who cut up all their clothes or slash their tires and think.....hhmmmm, my grass is more than just green. It's Amazonian green!

Good luck

[spotysocks]

I agree with what the guys said. Whatever you decide to do with your relationship should try to give a specific answer how it used to be and what changed. You cant revive the dead only keep the good memories and move on... but if you still think he is lovely like you say then it worth trying to fix what the problem is. I believe you can do something to bring the excitement and the fun back given that both of you give a clear message of what is missing and what you want.

If sex life is now poor find a way to spice it up if you are both up for the good change. Weekends and quick breaks every now and then are really good. I dont know what your social life is like but is best to have a balance between the time you spend together, the time when you visit friends together and what what you are alone. If there is enough space to miss each other boredom would threat your relationship less. Communication however is the key. Think what it has been pointed out here because are good points and definitely ask him how he feels about your relationship and talk to him with honesty. Hope you guys sort it out for the best!