Lonely

[Anonymous]

Just a rant here...

So, for the last month or so, I've been feeling quite lonely. I haven't been Out that long, and I don't know any gay guys in my area. I've tried looking for meetup groups, online dating, etc, but there don't seem to be any meetup groups nearby. I'm not into the bar or club scene, and would feel out of place going alone anyways, since I'm sure none of my friends would wanna go... Those who are still around.

One friend who confided in me after I Came Out that he was gay as well, but terrified of his parents finding out (very religious family) has since stopped talking to me. Shortly before the last time we spoke, he admitted that he was no longer hanging out because he was afraid his parents would overhear our conversations and he'd get Outed.

Another "Friend" stuck around for a while, but seemed to become more and more hostile towards me, then also stopped hanging out.

This may seem insignificant, cause its only two ppl, but Im a shy person, always have been. Ive only got a 'core' group of friends of 5 or 6, most of which rarely come around anymore. Two of which are perfectly comfortable with me.

I work, but am not Out there, which makes me feel like I'm lying to my colleagues. I almost wanna quit and start fresh....

Still, I wish I could meet someone..

I wish someone would initiate a conversation that led to something meaningful. I have a lot of trouble getting over my shyness. Last time I asked a guy out, he politely declined... Then proceeded to stop talking to me. He was gay, but it turns out he was a 'chubby chaser'. Nothing wrong with that. What hurt was that he thought it necessary to stop talking to me.

I tend to be a very caring, considerate person, so these things have been eating at me for a while now. Some days, I am almost as depressed as I was when I was in the closet, when I have no will to do get up in the morning.

I'm extremely thankful that my family, including my brother, who to be honest can be hard headed and very set in his beliefs, (which included homophobia before I came Out and seems to have gotten over it).

/rant

[LateBloomer]

Just hang in there.

And I don't mean to sound depressing but you know what? Loneliness is a fundamental human condition. EVERYONE gets lonely. Even married people. Hell, married people are some of the loneliest people I know.

The key is to use these experiences to MOTIVATE you to grow closer to people. After all, if you were never lonely, you'd never crave any company. In other words, it's HEALTHY to
desire more company. If you never craved any company you'd probably be sitting around in your basement pulling the wings off of flies or something.

Don't beat yourself up. Life is tough. You need to be tough too. And have some faith, you'll find someone who values you for you one day.

Best,

[Jay]

Anon

We are all here if you need to talk. You can use this forum to ease your loneliness in a way.

As Latebloomer said, don't beat yourself. Hang in there. You'll find someone out there. There are plenty of fish in the sea but it will some time to find that one fine gem. Nevertheless you'll eventually find him.

[princealbertofb]

Hey, Anonymous, it takes guts and a fair dose of self confidence to get out there and meet people and try to make friends or find a partner. You are still fresh from coming out, in your own words, and maybe comingout has taken it all out of you for the moment, I mean the guts and the courage and the energy. Maybe this is a time to concentrate on feeling better about your new self. People probably won't see the difference on the outside, but for us, coming out is a big thing and a big issue, so they don't know what's going on inside, but it is a big turmoil... like the changes of adolescence. Unfortunately, even though you've made that effort, once you've come out, it doesn't mean that you've suddenly built a whole hell of a lot of confidence. It just means that you've come sufficiently to terms with the question: "Am I gay????" to answer YES to yourself and make it known to others, or at least some others.

I don't think it is essential for you to be out at work for the moment, unless you see a good reason for doing so. If people are disrespecting you on grounds of your sexual orientation, then yes, maybe you ought to take action, but your private life is your private life and that sphere shouldn't have to count in your working world.

I have come to the personal conclusion that not everyone needs to know, even though the coming out process urges us to make it publicly known that we are gay, I still find that my working sphere can be ignorant of who I make love to, and who I go out with. Some of my colleagues now know or suspect, because they are 'friends' or close enough, that I don't want to have to hide my partner, but otherwise I couldn't care less that they know or don't know. What's more, I've also found that the more you live with your new self, the easier it gets not to hide who you are, and the more natural it becomes to just let people know casually.

I still think that for some people the coming out process is slow and forever repeating itself when you meet new people, new groups, because unless you're blatantly with another man, or extremely camp, people will automatically classify you as straight... It's the Default setting, you know? mile:

So take your time. Also take time to consider that shedding that old skin of yours is like letting someone go. There'll be a 'mourning' period of that and a regeneration of your mind as you come to accept more that you enjoy male company and male attention, have desires for males and would like to find a loving male partner. Time to start enjoying your difference and your diversity. Think of it as a necessary time to adapt to new circumstances. Once you start feeling a bit less estranged to yourself, and start to feel more confidence, then you'll meet someone and they'll appreciate the person you've become. A time to learn a bit more about yourself and about what it means to be gay in today's world. A time to consider the options and possible conflicts too. A time to assess how safe you want to be. A lot of people find confidence sexy; you'll find that confidence once you start living the new you. I assure you.
Take care,
PA

[chillythoughts]

I dont know any gays in my area either and at times, I feel lonely myself. but dont get discouraged, you'll meet someone soon enough. Im not shy like as you pointed, but you need to get over this shy thing and start interacting with other people more often and maybe go to a gay bar? just let someone come up and talk to you if your comfortable with that. or maybe bring someone with you as a wingman to help you with the process of actually meeting someone at a gay bar? I know you said thats not your thing but maybe you should do it to help you meet gays. well its a suggestion anyway.

[interesting]

I can concur with most posters!! Feeling lonely is common for me too, it's hard to meet other gay guys with same interest without me having to go the bar or clubs (ugghh). The one curious guy I've met wanted to meet up, and here I thought we were forming friendship, but he just wanted to use me to get off, THAT did not make me feel good lol

I understand that loneliness is common, but have some faith and hope, look at it this way, I can't even bring myself to ask another guy out, at least your confidence level is much higher than mine, and I'm sure, there are even more who are worse. So have some hope my friend!!!!!!!!

[Anonymous]

Thanks everyone for the comments and support mile:

[AirBorn]

Thanks everyone for the comments and support mile:

We are all here for you!

[oldster]

this willbe a ramble and strange thing when i was a kid i was only around older people
like over 65 and they influnced my thinking and my outlook on the world
so studyed greek mythology and found homosexality related feilds so it was agnest the rules to fall in love or eeither top or bottom penatration or oral sex via penis and mouth (have trouble spelling some words had brain tumors +age)
so the affars were only to be beteween student and mentor but start at like 7yo to the student being able to grow full beardand then it is supposto stop but many did not that was ok as long as tthe rules being obayed can be comrad in arms and that so semiaccepted in
scocity in generao and ceiabrated you had a wide to bear children but had boys for pleasure
and some were celabrated as perfect pleasurs where women were just necessary for propagation so aany way i studeyed lots well after all in my day men were not allowed to have sex till they were 21 years of age but girls could marry at age 15 with parental permission
so i was probally one of the first nerds carreyed hard sided breif to school for books but mainly so i could carry by bussiness stock would buy boxes of candy and sell at 3 to 5 times
the stor price closed campus so anyway it went on like this gays being restricly open
till after the judean/christian bible it was likeup to 200 years after the bible first started
and got popular since it was conceration of the gods so cheaper to get forgiven or accpted
back to the safty of thegods meaning you did not have to send your sacrafises to each god sepertly but could insted say that you were sorry for your transgressions and pay to be member of that church/cinagog so it started that they started to be punishable if you kept
up some relationship with student and mentor after he can grow a full bears it started with money fines then went further like first oney secontime perhaps castrtionand kept getting more strict rules till it was turned into against gods word and was outlawed then they used gayss for fule for funerat pryors
and we became hidden from comunatys and were forced to marry to beter conceal ourselves from scocity in general like learanado da vinci was taken to court for haveing relation ships
with the guys that lived in his home but lucckly he wassmart and usfull to community so things
were smoothed over and he was not elematedmany more through history have been ostrasiized
like the father of the modern computer killed himself rather than sumit to chemical castration
so the pendulm seems to have about swung fully to the good side for us but
when it gets fully at the end it is liable to start swinging back and that worrys me i lived through the "bad times" not as bad as many but where every time there was a raid or anarrest
my parents wouldbitch about it that thoes people shoul be elimanated and hitler had at least done one thing right by extermanating thoes people i cant remember the exact name he used but it certinly wasnt people so ilistened and hoped hewould not catch on about meand the 54yo neibor who were lovers for a few years and it did atleast give me an idea where to go when i snuck out at night to find some one to pleasure me . i worked and helped start many organisions /churches while i was younger but usally in the back ground in supportive rolds
buut it was rather bad the cops in la were constannly cchecking the halls of the hotel i worked in they said the hallways were public so they would wander around andfindanyone in a comprmisinf situation then arrest them i usto walk the halls aheead of them singing in a loud
voice that they were there and closeig the doors of guys waiting for freind so they were not to be seen from the publicplace and be arrested for indecent exposure. it worked most of the time
but one night they had not recived there yearly bribe to the policemans benafit assoceation
so they started there inspection of the premises nd got a guy out of his room he did not do anything other than wrong place wrong time they dragged him outsie in th ally an we all stard proceeded to beat him many people went out to see what could be done so they put him in a car and took off well the guy diedand they came in an hour later and arrested someone else
saying he was buying druges off th first guy but they only grabed a guy from a room number
and this guy had just got the room one hour after the first guy died so like 5 of us were willing to be witneses at his inquest sortly after we got signed up to testafi we started getting telaphone death threats like 3 to 5 per day from the cops and more glaring visits from the
under cover cops so we tryed to testafi butt the way a inquest works is we testafi then there was a 2hr brake theen the cops tell there story annnd that is if you wanted some other evidence to be introduced you need to in your testamony no refuting the cops testamony you needed to do that befor they testafied so nothing happend but they were split as partners since this was the second death that had occured with the same pair of detectives so i imedeatly left town and havent been back sence and from what i was tole there were lots of accidents and i am the only one still alive afew years after the incedent some friends got in contact and i did a tv inter view about what had occured under two diffrent lie detectors and i left the same day befor it aaired and havent done anything about it since by the way the second guy was let go because lack of evidence never found any hotels like that since so i did live in the steam baths it was much cheaper than a hotel 7$ compayed to 15$ad up and 15 is a veryy low class hotel
i hate the gay as folks show and shows likethat they portry us as incapable of true love just
sexual anamilss and notheing more andthere by makeing more people dislike us all we are is sexual party anamals. they along time ago used that since gays cantt have babys we are all recruted and we all look for young boys to recruit then when that broke up and truth came out
then they starteda diffrent tact like the gay agends i admit i think we should have one that every gay should belivve inn like getting to be given back all thoes rights that were naturly
ours andhave ben taken awaynot this shit that we want more rights than str8 people and want to be in their face Yes lots of guys are if you supress somethhing for a long time the freedom felt makes for excesses from the surpressed peoples look at the black civel rights some blacks
got out ogthe supressedareas and they got a little payback against whitie i understand this
and it is naturl many people though of it as a sign many these crackers were right look at how
they are acting but it quited down a bit i ccannt say much about thatsince i went in a cave to be safe around1980 and havent been out much so dont see much about whatshppening on many fronts.but i was really surprised the other day while chatting not cybering i think ar are fairy surethat was whatwaswanted but after talking about things this kid sayshe thinks i should get help because the world is great and every thing has been good all this life so i am just haveing imagind problems and i let it go by there ys no understanding with people like that
tryed when i was younger i like to teach by parable or trying to get people to turn their minds on rather than just stumble thru life and i am too honest so people say i am too negative
i know i am to a degree but hard for me to be posative in thesame way most people do
i don't lie much expecily to ny self i am just a prgmatist. i think thats the right word but if the young get to be brainwashed and think there dream world is the real one tell that to mr sm sheperd. and the other murders and beating and such that take place in this country in secret
every week and how many parentsthat punish kids that do things out of strong masulin charachature think thaade special provisions that stright dosent happen ? or is that just my paranoia as everyones parents allow the kids to grow up any way they want or do they still thik that kids shoud be molded into being what they want the kids to be and becuse kids are just kids and dont know whst is good for them any of this sound familure and look how many states wheen gay marriage was allowed they made special amendments that marrages would not be reconised in their state some made it only for homosexual maariages so what does say about the goverments addatude toward us their consatuations aresupposto be in line with the federal constation thats why i think we need our own country or state something that can't easily be taken away Ok i am lost enough to be able to go on much more
when i wasa kid a good in fact my only freind was locked up and had like 60 days of
shock therapy the cover story was that he had hit his mother when she had hit him
but actualy mom had caught him with a male magazine so he needs to be shocked into the reeal world i usto help him escape at night and we would play with our tecch toys then get back befor mornng bed check he finely decited he would be morecareful about haveing things like that but other than him i have noidea of any guys in school that were gay but then i was the fat boy in school sonot apealing to anyone except older guys remember for any medical
reason you lost all your rights if they want to get someone. guess i am paranoid

[Almac]

Phew oldster, I nearly gave up the will to live trying to read through that..!!