Up and Down

[Jason74]

I came out of the closet when I was 22 years old and it was after serving 3 years in the Army and I was close to getting married but just couldn't live that lie so I just ended up coming out to her and then eventually the rest of my family. I dated for like 6 years and then after my last boyfriend cheated on me I just pretty much called it quits with dating and all that. I am now 37 years old and have been single for like 9 years or so and I haven't been with anyone sexually as well. I think I may have fooled around a few times actually but it really must not meant that much because I can't remember if I have or haven't.

Yet once in awhile the desire to be with another guy will come along and I want so badly to just hook up with someone and have sex. Then part of me whimps out and doesn't do it and I end up just going to x tube or somewhere like that and jerking off to gay porn and then I am good for another brief time until the next time I feel like that again. I guess part of me fears that maybe I won't get aroused when I am in bed with another guy because it has been so long and then that guy will think that I am not attracted to him and not enjoying it. Then on the flipside I want to say something before we hook up then I think he won't be interested.

I mean I watch the gay porn and I think about how much I enjoyed being a bottom in the past and how I also enjoyed being a top as well. Yet most of my feelings gravitate towards being a bottom and having a guys cock inside of me, yet I haven't had a guy inside me in such a long time that I would need to be trained to get back into being able to take a guy again. I have a dildo and use it at times but thats not the real thing. I love who and what I am attracted to but I guess I just have a fear that I won't be able to step up to the plate and be able to perform like I used to when I was with boyfriends years and years ago.

Any advice is greatly appreciated

[Bowyn Aerrow]

Betrayal comes with a complex set of emotions. How we deal with betrayal differs from person to person.

It seems like your dread of physical performance is actually a fear of putting your heart out there and taking a risk that could lead to heart break - not really a risk of not being able to perform in bed.

Dating means you might potentially develop feelings, those mean that that gives that guy the chance to rip your heart out and gleefully jump up and down on it thus hurting you again. It is a very real risk I won't kid you there.

Looking at the two images you have of yourself, I find it hard to believe you do not have a following of fans who would be more than willing to help 'retrain' you. I have to wonder if you have distanced yourself emotionally from potential 'relationship' more than your realize.

Maybe I'm just full of shit... So you can ignore what I said if it sounds false to you.

[interesting]

First, I want to say I hope time had heal your scars about the whole cheating debacle Though I have not experienced that, but I do feel the pain of putting trust in someone and then have them betray that trust. Though, what are you really looking for?? Just sex, or try out another relationship?

Either case, if you're afraid of jumping into sex and not get aroused. Why not try to hookup and go slow?? Perhaps foreplay a little first with a guy and if it's arousing, I would assume your testosterone takes over and you guys can take the next step. But if the foreplay is not very pleasing you can stop, that way you can't go fully into sex.

By the way, I just want to say Thank You for being a member of our country's servicemen. And if that's you in your avatar, you're a really good looking guy, I'm sure you have no problem attracting another dude and you guys can go slowly and take the sexual encounters one step at a time too see if your arousal state is where you'll be pleased with. Good luck!!

[LateBloomer]

I came out of the closet when I was 22 years old and it was after serving 3 years in the Army and I was close to getting married but just couldn't live that lie so I just ended up coming out to her and then eventually the rest of my family. I dated for like 6 years and then after my last boyfriend cheated on me I just pretty much called it quits with dating and all that. I am now 37 years old and have been single for like 9 years or so and I haven't been with anyone sexually as well. I think I may have fooled around a few times actually but it really must not meant that much because I can't remember if I have or haven't.

Yet once in awhile the desire to be with another guy will come along and I want so badly to just hook up with someone and have sex. Then part of me whimps out and doesn't do it and I end up just going to x tube or somewhere like that and jerking off to gay porn and then I am good for another brief time until the next time I feel like that again. I guess part of me fears that maybe I won't get aroused when I am in bed with another guy because it has been so long and then that guy will think that I am not attracted to him and not enjoying it. Then on the flipside I want to say something before we hook up then I think he won't be interested.

I mean I watch the gay porn and I think about how much I enjoyed being a bottom in the past and how I also enjoyed being a top as well. Yet most of my feelings gravitate towards being a bottom and having a guys cock inside of me, yet I haven't had a guy inside me in such a long time that I would need to be trained to get back into being able to take a guy again. I have a dildo and use it at times but thats not the real thing. I love who and what I am attracted to but I guess I just have a fear that I won't be able to step up to the plate and be able to perform like I used to when I was with boyfriends years and years ago.

Any advice is greatly appreciated

Whoa, one step at a time.

You're doing the same thing I was doing as an anxious 35 y/o virgin... Imagining the entire event before you even have a date.

Just get a date first, then go slow. If he won't go slow, find someone else.

Things never work out the way we imagine them in our heads.

Nothing wrong with hook ups to get back in the game, Just be honest about you're after.

Good luck.

[Jason74]

Thanks for all the advice and everyone is right on point and pretty much on the on the ball. I guess I want to date but part of me doesn't and part of me just wants to have sex because its been a very long time. I have had a few guys where it could have gone in the direction of more than just friendship but I have ran away from it and just said that we should just be friends. I guess when I get really horny is when I really want a relationship and when I am not as horny then I don't. I am all over the place right now.

Yes that is my picture and was taken in the summer of 2010, I think I need to update it to this past summer

[zeon]

Hiya Jay,
Dont worry about whether you can perform or not because men can be pleasured in more ways than just banging the whole... You can easily make them want more with ya fingers or mouth.... I have had a thought and you said you havent dated anyone since your ex cheated... You need to forgive what happenned and not feel angry because alot of people dont realise that when you put a reason on why this isnt happenning then it sets in stone making it hard to move on... Your find the special person within time... You got nothing to worry about and to be honest when you see a guy you think you could do with banging and fucking his brains out dont hold back just go for it...
Your find over time your confidence will return and your allow yourself to be close with people again and if it ever happens again god forbid dont fret just keep on smiling dont let it dampen your spirit and move ontop the next one

[interesting]

If it makes you feel any better Jason, you're an extremely ridiculously good-looking guy, so I'm sure you have to fend guys/girls off with a stick, so if you feel there's any hesitation when getting with another guy, just remember you're hot lol, so even if you can't get it up, you're still hot.

[chillythoughts]

Im going to put this out there. ever since I was a teen, Ive put up barriers between me and my lovers and I can never get past it. does it cause a problem? of course it does! I see the same with you, cus your partner cheated on you, you have put up barriers and dont want to get past it and in the case you have been sexual with guys in almost a decade, I think its time you forgive and forget and move on. your getting older and probably dont want to be alone for the rest of your life so I already made my suggestion. remember not everyone cheats nor agrees with it so I bow down to you and hope you can get into the game your sexiness.

[Jason74]

I actually have forgiven him a long time ago and to be honest we were just drifting apart anyway so I guess I just basically opened the door for him to cheat while we were still together. I am not one to hold anything against anyone and I just think that in the relationships that I have had there was a mix of things that I just felt I didn't have when I was solo. Like in general before I came out I liked to do things on my own and was always so used to it. So when I had boyfriends that would get insecure when I wanted alone time that just made me not want to be in a relationship.

I guess I have more history than just being cheated on and I am not angry at him or have any negative views towards him at all, he was a great guy and still is. I mean things happen for a reason. I guess I feel like that there is that person that is right for me and I just haven't met them yet and maybe someday I will. I think I just get really horny sometimes and will look on craigslist and see what is out there when it comes to quick sex with guys and nothing looks interesting to me at all.

I mean don't get me wrong some of the postings are very erotic and get me going, yet I feel like that I am basically just looking to get off so why should I go hook up to do that? I am not sure if that makes much sense at all. I think the whole looks thing come into play as well, guys want to hook up with attractive guys and sometimes I feel like that is rather shallow. I mean they wouldn't be interested in me if I was 400lbs and had a horn sticking from my forehead, lol. I don't know my emotions and feelings are all over the board these days.

I think that at times I would love to just cuddle with a guy and just have a relationship and other times I don't because I know he would freak out if I wanted to be alone and think I was cheating on him when I wouldn't be.

[fredv3b]

I think that at times I would love to just cuddle with a guy and just have a relationship and other times I don't because I know he would freak out if I wanted to be alone and think I was cheating on him when I wouldn't be.

How do know he would freak out? Perhaps a nice guy wouldn't like it but would be prepared to accept it and trust you weren't cheating on him?


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