I'm an awful person; what do I do?

[Ceruleaan]

Hi all,

Please try not to hate on me too much. Though I deserve it, I'm in a rough state right now...

The Story ---

Last week I met a guy online and we hit it off. I met him the same day, we watched a movie, listened to music and chatted. We did everything after that. I met him again the a few days later and we had a good time again.

The problem is, I'm in what I thought was a committed relationship. I never thought I'd be able to go through with cheating on my boyfriend; let alone meeting the same guy twice... I went uptown to visit my boyfriend and tell him what had happened. Obviously he didn't take it well.

Him and I met this past weekend and were working towards a resolution. I let him read my messages, knowing that he would find out that I had met the other guy a second time; something I hadn't told him when I first said I'd cheated.

He's having a rough time dealing with it; neither of us expected I'd be able to do something like this.

The Background ---

I love my boyfriend, we get along great in fact. But we have had problems in the past like any couple.

They've always been rooted in a certain degree of sexual incompatibility. Anytime in the past we've tried to work this problem out, things have either stayed the same or changed only temporarily.

As far as I can see, for him sex is just getting off. For me its another dimension of a person you have to get to know and understand if you want to have a relationship with them. No matter what, neither of us has been able to change for the other.

This missing part of our relationship is why I looked to another guy. And the other guy was intimate. He was funny, friendly. I liked him. I like him. I could see myself with him if I didn't love my boyfriend.

Having read my messages, my current boyfriend is understandably fixated on the fact that what I had with this other guy was more than just a cut-and-dry hook-up.

What Does it Mean ---

I really never knew I could do something like this to myself or someone I love.

I don't know if I'm a bad person. I know what I did was wrong. I don't know if the blame is fully mine, my partners or a fault of how we've handled our relationship. Regardless, I know I have to take responsibility for what I've done.

The problem is I can't come to terms with what I've done. I can't even begin to understand how or if I can fix this.

My Boyfriend ---

My boyfriend is taking this as well as can be expected. We've talked and we're in a cool off period right now.

He tells me he wants to stay together, but doesn't know if or whether he can trust me again. He says his friends think he should break-up with me; "If I did it once, I'll do it again" they say.

He's also said he does feel that the problems in the relationship are partially to blame; that something lacking in what we have together was part of the cause. We both know I think that it was me who pulled the trigger on our relationship.

The Big Question(s) ---

I used to think I could never do something like this to someone I love. I know it was my decision, but I also know that what I did stemmed from a problem in our relationship; something we hadn't being able to work out yet.

How can I come to terms with what I've done? I can't look at myself. Everywhere I walk I can't raise my eyes above the ground.

What do I do with my boyfriend and our relationship? I don't know whether or not we'll make it through this. I want to and he wants to. But how can we piece it all back together?

Even if we can recover, I don't know if we should; I don't know if I can run the risk of hurting him again. He can't trust me and may never be able to again. I don't know if I can trust myself anymore either. If he doesn't forgive me and we break-up then at least he's safe and I can deal with my issues without hurting him anymore. What scares me is if he takes me back. How can i ever live down what I've done. I don't feel I still deserve him and I don't trust myself anymore. I really do love him, and I don't want to ever hurt him like this again.

What I'm afraid of is that the same problems that made me fool around this time will either make me do it again, or make me miserable in the relationship. I'm afraid that if he takes me back it might just be worse for both of us than if we end it now; even if it is a sad end for the good times we had.

What do I do?

Ceru

[dlboy53]

If your serious about your boyfriend and want to work it out then I would suggest couples counseling. It sound like you both admit that there is something wrong with the relationship and want to try to fix it.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

There is no such thing as a perfect relationship.

The whole notion of commitment and monogamy is to take the good with the bad. To accept it in good faith and to stick together no matter what. It is a very hard commitment to make.

You have 'sexual problems' with your committed mate - join the club. Few relationships have lots of sex in them, the longer your with your mate the less sex there will be. The old saw that all marriage is same sex marriage (since all you get is the same sex year after year, decade after decade) is based in solid reality.

As for changing your mate. Don't hold your breath.

Couple's counseling will teach both of you to learn how to compromise and learn how to figure out when an issue is their problem or your problem.

EXAMPLE: I am always the one to hang the toilet paper roll. My partner will never, ever, ever, not in a gazillion, billion, trillion years hang a toilet paper roll. If I want toilet paper rolls hanging then I need to hang them myself. That is my want, that is my desire, therefore it is my problem and my job.

Cheating is a serious 'offense' in relationships. Betrayal is not easy to get over, and trust, once lost, is very difficult to 'get over'. Usually one never gets over it fully. It always hangs there in the back of the mind, is always that hint of suspicion. If left untreated it will fester and become a major problem.

Couple's counseling may be the only option you have to deal with the attending emotions and learn to work with what you have.

[BobInTampa]

Well, it's really tough to give you SPECIFIC advice unless we know where you and your BF are sexually incompatable.

You hinted about it in your fist post, you said, "for him sex is about getting off."

So, until i hear back fromyou on this question, i'm assuming he likes to get right too it and you want more kissing, touching - intimacy? Or is it something deeper?

Next question, did you know this about your BF before you started dating seriously...and convinced yourself that you could "change" him and get him to be more romantic?

I look forward to hearing your response.

[pellaz]

excellent "Gay Man in a Monogamous Gay Relationship" not.
why are you online at a dating site in the first place. Functional boy friends are difficult to find. Look at the effort we go to maintaining a relationship. You have too much personal time.

NEVER NEVER TELL YOUR BOYFRIEND YOU WERE CHEATING ON HIM. This will not make it all good and it is a lazy out. You are not the dependent child that crunchyed the family car and your boyfriend is not your dad. You are equals. He is more likely to cheat on you now and generally dis respect, dis trust you. This will compound the repair you have to make in the relationship. You must accept him if he cheats on you now.

There is some value to be able to go through your adult live with the least regrets as possible but you will make mistakes. You are young and plenty of time to make mistakes. Get over it.

Be comfortable with the thought you may loose both boys.

[Ceruleaan]

At bobintampa..
you nailed it. He's a down to busines kind of guy. I tend want more intimacy, for me this is a real problem. As for what he was like when we started, he was substantially more intimate. I would never try to change someone, its both impossible and unfair.

As for specific sexual incompatibility, we seem to have different views of it like I said. I always have to initiate, even when its him who wants to mess around. If he tells me no, I'm fine with that (actually, that's not true given the mess I'm in I guess). But if genuinely don't want to mess around, which is rare, I'm in the dog house....

That being said, isn't a compromise a smaller change by both parties?

[azulai]

Ceru, you've talked before about wanting more from your relationship. The thing is, if you had just hooked up – I would say try to work things out but you were seeking intimacy which you say over and over is missing from your relationship.

You also sound like you are trying to tell yourself you love your bf and you most likely do for those initial feelings and what you once shared but honestly I don't get the sense that you are IN love anymore. I think you want to be. But, sometimes we do fall out of love; sometimes no matter how hard we want something to work out it just doesn't.

Also, the way you told your bf and some of the stuff you said – it's almost like you want him to break up with you. Maybe you consciously did this to PUSH the issue? Maybe you consciously did what you never thought you were capable of -- for a reason?

Have you thought about what life will be like if you stay with him and these same issues see-saw for 10-20 years or so? You say over and over that you need more intimacy and it seems to be more than lack of sex. Yes, he does have a part in this. Yes, you shouldn't have done what you did. I think you want someone to grab you sometimes :biggrin: and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. Try to salvage a friendship.

I don't mean to sound preachy but a relationship is about two and it is more than “love.” It's a decision. It's a responsibility. We become entrusted with each other's heart, entrusted with each other's body, and entrusted with each other's mind. Emotional fidelity is just as important as physical fidelity; you just cannot play mind games with the person you profess to love.

Come on, dude, be honest with yourself, stop the self-flagellation, free yourself in an HONORABLE way and explore your needs. You've learned something about yourself and what YOU need in a relationship. So, I would cut it, move on, do some soul-searching and know yourself a little better.

[Ceruleaan]

I just don't know whats going on right now... Thanks for everything guys...

[posterpicture]

The moment you thought about hooking up with that guy, your relationship is particularly already end.
Give it a dead shoot and call it off is the best for all.

[beast]

Ok so who said love was easy was a fool. If you really feel that you want to work this out then beginning open honest communication of both your and his needs, feelings, and thoughts concerning what happened is a good start. To top it all off, seek mutual understanding of each other. These are things easier said than done, it takes a lot of patience, commitment and love to begin the healing process especially when you just lost trust.