Hurt By Your Ex

[CexCells]

Just before I start I mean hurt in the emotional sense not in the physical sense.

About one week ago I found out my bf had been chatting guys up online and doing things on webcam with them if you catch my drift...

This had happened before (chatting in a sexual way, not webcam as far as I was aware at the time...) and I was really upset and I brought it up with him, he claimed he didn't know why he did it and that he 'felt bad' and wouldn't do it again cos he 'loved me so much'.

So then a month later I sign into his laptop to check my emails and his skype auto signed in, then I see a recent conversation list... I thought this was odd cos on my skype it said he hadn't signed in for months so I clicked onto the person and to only find out it was a 44 year old man and that my bf had requested him to masturbate with him on webcam, the conversation that went with it was disgusting and I had to stop reading.

However to fill in a bit of back story my boyfriend would never be 'horny' towards me when I wasn't with him in person, whenever I'd try to say I was in the mood and wanted him either by text or msn he would say 'I'm not like that! I don't do those things!'

Which was clearly all a lie cos after I found the Skype session with the 44 year old man I went back and had a look at MSN, other Skype messages and internet history and he had been actively seeking out men just to masturbate with them through a good duration of our relationship

I felt so hurt by this that I had to dump him as he had betrayed my trust, not only that but I'd found messages to others telling them things about me that I'd told him not to, so he had no respect for me at all.

However he tried to turn the situation at me and act like he was the innocent one by going onto Facebook and getting sympathy from his friends and family and trying to turn them against me, he claimed he told them exactly what he'd done, his mother and father are quite religious and innocent I can't imagine him saying to them 'by the way mum my bf found out that I was masturbating with men online'

It's horrible because I really got on with his friends and family but now they all hate me, I'm slowly but surely blocking all contact with him now as I can't stand to see his smugness and how he has just got away with hurting me, he has all but forgotten about me already anyway so I need to do the same.

The main reason for this post was to just ask has anyone had a similar situation and had a bf try to turn it against you and act like the hurt one when they was in the wrong?

I'd like to point out some people don't see online actions as cheating, but in a relationship I have I do see it as cheating, plus it's hurtful to me to think that someone would rather have someone else in that way when they have you, especially if they tell you they love you or even more so when they promise they won't hurt you or do these things again and then do!

[John]

I had that too. For twice. My first bf was with another guy right after we broke up (i just found out that they were together before we broke up but he claimed that he never did that to me)... and after that he acted weird in front of our friends, which made them feel that it's my problem... and the second one, also the current one, he always told me that i thought too much because he just need a friend at this moment but whatever things that he did, the way he talked to me and bla bla bla, are just like things done by the couple..seriously i have no idea now..he said he don't want to make me feel sad and he'll be together with me forever...he even told me that he would like to live together with me (just one month ago) and now I'm just like NOTHING or maybe a FOOL to him.. like he will only find me when he's free and bored and looks like he already forgotten whatever things that he has told me..

[LateBloomer]

I'm sorry you got hurt Cex.

I've never been in that situation but I can see how Facebook can really make things much more messy than they really need to be.

Sort of a similar situation going on right now between a guy that I've been seeing and *his* ex-. In fact, I've decided to close my Facebook profile in order to prevent such messiness from developing in the future.

It seems Facebook is GREAT when things are going well, but when some of our social contacts in real life go wrong, well, then Facebook isn't such a wonderful thing.

I don't know...call me old fashioned?

I hope you can use the New Year as inspiration for a "fresh start". New Year = New Opportunity.

Best of luck.

[Rainbowmum]

I am so sorry his happened to you Cex.

A breakup is never pleasant , it's even worse when the person that betrayed you assassinates your character and good name , in order to hide his own guilt.
I have been where you are at the moment, and the feelings of desperation,hurt,alienating and betrayal can be very debilitating .

The very last thing I want to do is cause you more pain, but experience has taught , that this particular leopard can not change his spots.

My advice to you , do not dwell in the past , do not wear guilt that is not yours and stop searching for validation for his actions.
You did nothing wrong .

Sending you a hug.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

Break-ups are usually ugly.

It often becomes a game of who can hurt whom the most. Tit for Tat.

You hurt him by leaving/breaking up with him, he is going to hurt you by turning your family/friends against you. Getting you fired from your job, getting you up on criminal charges, getting the state involved, getting the IRS involved..... It can turn real ugly, real fast.


I would hope you would not do what I do...

I got into the retaliation (tit for tat) sort of break up with one of my partners. I discovered that there is no depth that I won't go to hurt somebody who pisses me off.

I am a person who collects lots of data on people. I am one of those people that folk just love to tell things too. This is usually a good thing, for I don't tell tales out of school - usually.

I was armed to the teeth and destroyed the man. There was no real 'plan' to destroy him, it just happened. He kept on pushing, and each time he pushed I pushed back harder.

I got his career ended (He could never work in Vegas after this- or the state of Nevada for that matter - not in his line of work), I got him Audited by the IRS - big time audit, he lost his home, his fancy car, lots of fancy nice things became property of the IRS or property of the police Department. I got him arrested and charged with felony possession with intent to sell (cocaine, meth, pot) - and most of that that was found in his house wasn't his... I bought it, I planted it.... He ultimately ended up serving 2 years, he was placed on 5 years probation at first, but he blew that and ended up going to prison.

This isn't to say he didn't deal in drugs - he did (Drugs were one of our major issues, our drug use). I just made certain that his 'new' hiding places were known to the police and not him....

To top it off I got him hooked up with Scot. Scot was 'in the closet' on so many things, such as in the closet he was gay, in the closet he was HIV positive (and willfully spreading it around - not a nice person), and he was a real 'pig' when it came to sex there was no protection.... Again I used data people had given me in confidence.

My Ex's liking to use drugs for sex and 'bare-backing' "secret" combined with Scot's status and love of drugs and bare-backing "secret" just needed a few round about introductions from people who knew nothing but were willing to introduce these two fine gentlemen.

What did he do? He hurt me - at first physically by beating the crap out of me, and the cops refused to do anything. I took that like a man, I was 'ok' with it. I was willing to let it go. Just leave me alone. I moved out - stayed away from his place, and tried to stay away from him.

Then he stalked me, he went to my job, made a huge scene in the hotel lobby, my boss asked me to 'leave'. I wasn't too Ok with that. I decided that if jobs can be involved, lets see what his Boss had to say about his 'skimming' off the top...

He tried it at my second job, however I had already told my new boss the reason why I was 'let go' from the last place I worked. She was a protective woman, she had no problem calling the police, having him cited with trespassing and have a restraining order placed against him. He made the mistake of showing up twice... he went to jail for a week and ended up paying some stiff fines.

Well he didn't learn his lesson getting fired for 'skimming' money (His boss didn't charge him criminally like I had hoped). So lets see what a nice Tax Audit would reveal... Tsk, Tsk, Tsk... He shouldn't have told me that he scammed the IRS left and right, lied on his income tax statements and basically stole from the Government.

He had the audacity to have a restraining order thrown on me - while he was the one who landed me up in hospital with sutures, cracked ribs and a few other symptoms of 'his love'. I had no trouble complying - I wanted to be away from him. But it was he who kept breaking the restraining order coming to my place(s) of residence, my job(s). He made the mistake of calling the police just before he came over to my apartment. The police cuffed him and told him that the restraining order didn't work 'that way' - I was in my legal right, he broke it by being at my place. Yes he was an idiot.

Fine, he wants to keep me from having a nice peaceful home, fine - lets see how we can get his removed from him.

He dared to call my parents and try to get them involved, that one back fired with my mother who upon discovering he was an injun (American Native) pulled out her racist card.

He called the police to report a breaking and entering - then said I was to blame. Fortunately for me I had a public job on video tape that proved there was no way in hell I could have broken in to his place. Besides, as I pointed out to the police, there is no need for me to smash a widow to get into the house... I had keys.

Fine, he want's to involve felonies and the police, fine - Lets see him wiggle out of some drug charges...

This went back and forth for almost a year. He finally 'gave up' when it dawned on him that his arrest, his audit, his loss of his career was due to my viciousness.

Then he met Scot and they lived unhappily ever after....

Break-ups can be vicious wars. No one really wins - in the end.

[CexCells]

Thank you for all your replies I would of been more active on here but I wasn't around the day the post went live.

[ZenFranklin]

I hope you can use the New Year as inspiration for a "fresh start". New Year = New Opportunity.

Best of luck.