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01-12-2012, 11:54 PM

Hi, I hope someone might be able to shed some light on my situation. I am a 39-year-old married man with children. I love my wife very much. But, ever since puberty, I've had as many sexual fantasies and thoughts as I have for women. I find women attractive and a sexual turn-on, but now, at almost 40, I never think of women sexually anymore. I've started to look at porn late at night and I always look at nude men. My sex life with my wife has fallen off almost completely and, when we do make love, I think about being with a guy. I've even started to fantasize about dating men and what that would be like.

I've never been with a man in anyway shape or form, sexually or romantically. I don't want to lose my family or hurt my wife, so I've been working hard to suppress my feelings, but that is becoming more and more difficult. In fact, I find myself often waking up in the middle of the night, almost fevered for want of being with a man. I have started taking meds for depression. However, since I've never been with a man, how do I know that I would like it, and I don't just mean sex. Am I gay? Bi? Straight but suffering a midlife crisis? I'd hate to give up my marriage only to discover that I am straight after all. But, how can I really know without following that path? I don't want to cheat on my wife, but if I ask her for the time/freedom to explore this, I will forever change in her eyes and my marriage wouldn't last anyway. Any suggestions? I feel lost.

01-13-2012, 12:24 AM

[SIZE="3"][COLOR="DarkSlateBlue"]What you really should do is go and see a therapist. You talk about taking medication for depression, that's a good indicator that there is a more deeper psychological problem existing than just wanting to experience sexual gratification with a man, or dating one.

There's a strong indicator if you ask your wife to allow you time to explore your supposed cravings you'll lose the very person you love so much. So before you do anything rash or regrettable go and get some help, you never know that may cure whatever is causing you so much grief. Don't lose the very person you love so much please. [/COLOR][/SIZE]

01-13-2012, 10:40 AM

[SIZE="3"][COLOR="DarkSlateBlue"]Sometimes it would be useful if there were feedback from some of those who come on Gay Speak for advice..

What I'm always amazed at, is some heterosexual's equate dating with gay porn?[/COLOR][/SIZE]:confused::confused:

01-13-2012, 03:43 PM

So around the age of 40 you started having these feelings and fantasies? Is there anything major in your life that might have happend? Death of a parent/loved-one? Loss of a job? Money? Has anything happend physically between you and your wife? Did you or she gain alot of weight? Lose alot of weight?

The fact taht this just emerged, makes me think something had to trigger it - unless of course you've left out something in your post?

I agree with the other posts here about getting to a therapist - but please, FIND ONE that has experience in dealing with gay/bi/lesbian/trans issues!

Until you come to understand what triggered this sudden issue in men (emotionally and sexually), i don't think you should worry aabout the "label" - gay or bi.

Get to a therapist!
PS: You don't have to tell your wife about therapy at first!

01-13-2012, 07:20 PM

antonym Wrote:Any suggestions? I feel lost.

I went through the same thing. Around your age the children are growing up and or your career is less a struggle so you have more time, resources.

i figured i was gay or possibly bi. I went to a local bisexual men's group meeting and felt un comfortable in between like that. I knew i was gay, didnt like the odor of fish.

To save my life i never could find a straight date. I can land a gay date and did even tho i was married. I was honest with the date and we hung together off and on for about half a year. I learned a gay relationship is no different from a straight one and for a few years tried to get back with the wife.

The big get back together didnt work, i felt trapped. I started dating again, got a boy friend and he made me clean up my life, divorce was done late 2010. The boy friend left in between all this, we got back together and been together about 2 years.

Hope this helps.

For what it matters i can talk to you how i felt, what all went on, my junk theories. Just in open text i will be less out with you so you can PM or use the Online chat thingy but you need to get your post count up >50. Use any post, the "count to 1000" post works. Post small messages >10 char each.