Just Looking For Someone to Talk

[LostGay]

Hi all,

I guess to start I in my upper 30s in a committed relationship. We were civil unioned 3 years ago and have been together 10 years.

I'm basically looking to find someone to chat with that is in a similar situation. Basically someone who also needs someone to discuss relationship issues openly & that is sincerely looking for someone else talk to when needed.

I guess being a public forum I need to share my situation carefully. I guess the jist of my situation is that I have been in this relationship for 10 years. My partner is significantly younger than I am. When we first got together I chalked up his immaturity to his age. But 10 years later it hasn't gotten better, but worse (at least it seems that way). We are constantly fighting. We hardly have a conversation without my getting annoyed and yelling. One of the biggest reasons we hit it off is because I freely admit that I am "young at heart." I am 40 but still act like at 20 year old - but can act my age when I need to. The problem with my partner is that he can't act his age when needed. He still acts like an immature 16 year old.

I am a very private, don't have to answer to anyone type person. I understand that in a relationship you are supposed to share with your partner, but not to the point I need to say who I am talking to every time I pick up the phone, having someone staring over my shoulder every time I am texting someone or writing an email or messaging on Facebook. When I get out of bed, I shouldn't have to say I am going to the bathroom. That when we are out somewhere and a hot guy walks by we immediately get into a fight because I checked him out. And I note that he checks guys out all of the time, to the point that several times he has almost gotten into car accidents staring at guys.

Our friends all complain about how much we fight in front of them - because of the above issues. And as much as I try, I cannot let someone get away with making me look stupid. And he doesn't know how to just let it drop. If I say "Not here," that should be the end. But instead it's "But why?" "Why are you being like that?" "Why?" I feel like I am dealing with a 2 year old that I just said he couldn't have a cookie.

He has no concept of money. Fun comes before bills. I admit that sometimes I am that way, but I make sure the mortgage is caught up and the car is paid and the electric stays on. He will blow every dime we have on junk and then have our house foreclosed on. It has happened twice now.

It has gotten to the point that I would rather lock myself up in another room watching tv or whatever than sit with him. Sex is not even there. And that is huge being that I am ready for sex 24/7/365.

I didn't come out of the closet until a year before we got together. I dated a few guys, all of which turned out to be complete jerks. We got together a year later and have been together since. Prior to coming out I never did anything with men so I never really got to sow my wild oats.

About a year and a half ago, when things were almost at the plateau of our problems, I started talking to a coworker who was in a similar situation. After a few weeks of talking we ended up taking things to another level and we messed around a little bit. Afterwards we both decided it was something we couldn't do again. But the sad thing was that I didn't even feel guilty about it. Mostly because it had been forever since I was with someone that I wanted to be with.

Since then I have done some not so proud things, mainly making up fake profiles online and chatting with other guys, and sometimes in really dishonest ways (like talking to straight guys pretending to be a girl). What has ended up happening is that I talk to these guys and instead of just getting some kicks out of it, I am finding more and more how unhappy I am in my own relationship. How much I miss the romance, the fun we used to have. Simple things like someone to cuddle up with and watch a movie or a tv show. Making out for hours, with or without having sex. Having passion in our sex life instead of "it's a chore I have to do." Other than the one "affair" above, I have not actually been with anyone else.

So now the million dollar question? Why don't I leave him? Because its not as simple as get up and walk away. We own property together, we have a ton of debt together, I am a part of his family (that his family sometimes seem to love me more than him). Almost all of my friends are his friends. And on the legal end of it, he has a lawyer in his family that should I walk away would destroy me financially.

So I guess basically I was hoping that maybe I could find someone in a similar situation that I could just talk to about things. Basically a shoulder to cry on when needed and that I can be the same for them. So if anyone out there in cyberland is looking for a chat buddy, hit me up. And as mean as this sounds, I am trying to find someone between the ages of 20 & 40. And I ask that you please respect this. It's nothing personal but I really do not relate well to people older than I am at all. Hope to hear from someone.

[zeon]

Hello,
I figured id tell you my story as i have been in a long relationship of 6 years... Some of the aspects we have in common... To begin with im 26 and my boyfriend is 34... At times i feel the adult in situations whereby his going out to get absolutely slaughtered and i end up reminding him the next day EVERYONE LIKES A DRINK BUT NO ONE LIKES A DRUNK! This then causes a arguement at times about him insisting his not an alcoholic his a binge drinker when to me they are both alcohol problems regardless of moderation... Well i found that because i ran out of money for the pub he has set up a bar tab and its been run upto £50 now which is bloody scary thought to get invovled with.

You stated your partner can be immature... I am alot of the time but im also sensible in the aspect of payday ill make sure my bills are paid and my mortgage hasnt been in default otherwise its two lots the following month. The fighting we experience in our relationship is mainly down to money and drinking because I end up loosing my temper and shouting and screaming but alot of the time i wont raise my voice because ive got animals and dont feel its fair on them to have a full blown arguement so save it for when we are out driving and can shout in the car at each other..

It is agreeable in both relationships of yours and mine that answering to a partner is a bloody no no... It really annoys me when i feel ive got to justify why im late or i get moaned at because im talking to someone my boyfriend doesnt like yet to me its just someone im friends with.. With regards to you mentioning your partner asks who was on the phone i will admit I do this with my boyfriend because ever since i was little me mum and my family all ask each other who was on the phone and then when told they are like oh ok what they want... This is the same with me and my boyfriend I always ask him who was that on the phone because its out of habit... I would ask if your boyfriend does this from a habit or from a protective motion...? Yet again i admit i do stare over my boyfriends shoulder when he texts or facebooks someone because its curiousity and being a nosy bastard i admit.. Not because im jelous ive told people before when they say my boyfriend has done this and that ive replied... Oh thats nice well they can have him if they want him saves me getting a headache..

Maybe you want to remind ya boyfriend what i reminded mine on looking at talent.... WINDOW SHOPPING IS HARMLESS... ITS STEALING GOODS THAT GET YOU INTO TROUBLE! I would also suggest that your boyfriend may be slightly in secure about his self esteem and this could be why he goes mad when you go check out other talent which is lying around. Overtime he should be told that looking is harmless and he should understand that his not going to loose you to someone who you dont even know.. If he asks next time why you dont want to argue infront of someone tell him blunty Its not a good image to air dirty laundry in public... If youn want to air yours thats fine but i wont be responding...

Now with the mortgage I suggest to you that if the bills come out of your account you possibly do what I do with my boyfriend and that is every payday I withdraw upto £1000 depending on bills from my boyfriends account and put it into mine... This is his half of the bills and if he only has £150 left then thats his play money.. I dont bail him out and he wont bail me out end of!. You need to be stern with your boyfriend and lay down some rules and explain to him that paying bills is first and then you move onto fun times.. I did this by opening a database in microsoft and putting my bills into a sheet so i know whats going out how much is going out and when its due to. I added up all my debts from people I owe money to the organisations I owe money to... At the end of the day as long as my mortgage is paid and my council tax i dont care what the outcome is with the rest they have to wait.. Your boyfriend needs to be more money aware and if you dont tell him as things are he can run riot... Draw up some rules of the house for you BOTH to abide by and work together on getting these rules made... I did this with my boyfriend to enable us to be together this long because if my life didnt start taking off soon id end up going bloody mad inside...

With regards to sex why wont he perform??? I think what you guys need is to go on a date... Treat him to a film at the cinema and then from there go bowling or something make it all special again and tell him you want to work with him as a couple to re ignite everything you both have going for you... Tell him you want to give a break from the pubs for a few weeks and focus on you both as all the time you are ignoring the situation the problem wont be going away... I had to do this once with my boyfriend when he went through a bad drinking patch and i had to pull him into line about the amount he was regularly drinking at the best of times as we were on a rocky slope which was only going to go down and ended up with us taking a year break...

This chatting up people online and having flings etc can be regretful however the fact only you know about it i would say its time to forgive yaself for it and learn to be stronger willed... Talk to your boyfriend and if your in the mood for some hanky panky give him a taste of flirting... When he gets angry at you kill the anger moment by saying You know what??? You lookl bloody sexy when your angry.... So sexy i think u mister need a big massive fucked off kiss and just walk upto him and face plant one it works with my boyfriend and everytime he argues with me i turn to kiss him until he stops arguing....

I can understand how it isnht as easy to walk away in a situation like yours.. With regards to the mortgage if its a fixed rate mortgage for a contracted number of years 1 3 or 5 then see it out and before you renew it see how you feel about the relationship as then you can sell the property without any penalties with the mortgage company... His family may have a lawyer however lawyers cannot represent their own family or friends as that is something that can be seen as favouritism.. My sister is going to eventually be a lawyer and she was the one who informed me of this...

Well if you need someone to unload some things onto feel free to get in touch... I will try to answer experiences either as how id deal with or or if ive experienced a situation ill talk and compare with yas

Kindest regards

zeon x

[pellaz]

I have been in this relationship for 10 years. My partner is significantly younger than I am.

How much younger is he??????

I am a very private, don't have to answer to anyone type person. I understand that in a relationship you are supposed to share with your partner

So you know your issue, fix it or figure why you dont want to fix it and fix that. Are you lazy

supposed to share with your partner, but not to the point I need to say who I am talking to every time I pick up the phone, having someone staring over my shoulder every time I am texting someone or writing an email or messaging on Facebook. When I get out of bed, I shouldn't have to say I am going to the bathroom.

Just tell him who is calling, who you are text and announce that bathroom time. Your not doing anything wrong. Why the need for privacy if you are doing the same thing as we all do. Its not big, give that to your boyfriend, sounds like he needs it.

That when we are out somewhere and a hot guy walks by we immediately get into a fight because I checked him out. And I note that he checks guys out all of the time, to the point that several times he has almost gotten into car accidents staring at guys.

Sounds like both of you are cheating. Accept it. I bet if things just get better both of you would take an interest in each other again.

He has no concept of money. Fun comes before bills. I admit that sometimes I am that way, but I make sure the mortgage is caught up and the car is paid and the electric stays on. He will blow every dime we have on junk and then have our house foreclosed on. It has happened twice now.

-does he have a source of income. Let him spend his and you spend yours?
and or...
-your the smart one, proclaim your handling the financials. It is a lot of work but just step up to the plate for it.

It has gotten to the point that I would rather lock myself up in another room watching tv or whatever than sit with him. Sex is not even there. And that is huge being that I am ready for sex 24/7/365.

Quit this behavior. If you go into your room leave the door open. If you love him still, send him at least ten text on his phone just say "i love you". You can start any time you want, its your issue if you dont.

I didn't come out of the closet until a year before we got together. I dated a few guys, all of which turned out to be complete jerks. We got together a year later and have been together since. Prior to coming out I never did anything with men so I never really got to sow my wild oats.

Lots of men are jerks, you found a bf that works somewhat. You could join them being a single 40year old man sowing his wild oats. Your not the same person you were back then and no need to re cap old desires.

So now the million dollar question? Why don't I leave him? Because its not as simple as get up and walk away. We own property together, we have a ton of debt together, I am a part of his family (that his family sometimes seem to love me more than him). Almost all of my friends are his friends. And on the legal end of it, he has a lawyer in his family that should I walk away would destroy me financially.

Your a smart man for not wanting to leave in a huff. Get a professional couples counselor(s). Start small and go to some group sessions, i think there are some in San Francisco. Try to avoid the thought "if this dosnt work we break up" but in turn try a few situations and be thankful to extract the good out of each. No one person (other than your self) will have the answer.



-stop arguing, it takes two to argue so if you just refuse its an easy end to this bad.
-when things settle down; ask if you can set up some rules about spending, sharing. If one boy goes off in a huff and is sleeping of the sofa the other can ask him to return to the bed and he has to. Never argue in public.
-text him at least ten times a day "i love you".
-become a less private person, your not doing anything wrong or special different. Give him that. Get some personal therapy if necessary to fix this. Worst case you will need it in your next relationship.

let us know what you think?