Advice on coming out - very religious family.

[Erslich]

My parents are very conservative in their Christian beliefs and believe that homosexuality is a sin. I've known that I'm gay since I was 8 years old but my parents are both very anti-gay and quick to remind me that there isn't any heaven for people who commit "sins" such as homosexuality. In their minds homosexuality is a choice and a grave sin as it goes "against creation". (Now I'm not trying to spark a religious debate here, I just wanted to give some background. That's how my parents feel and I've met people who agree and disagree with their view. I'm not creating this thread to be told how "bigoted" or how "correct" they are in their views!)

I've had a string of straight relationships, but I've never felt any deep connection with a woman. In September I started a new job and moved away from the North of the country (I live in the UK, and moved from Yorkshire to the Birmingham area). Being away from the same area as my folks and trying to make a new life for myself has been hard, but I've enjoyed the opportunity as I've spent a lot of my time reading about homosexuality, what it means to be gay and how this relates with the church (I do still hold Christian beliefs).

I'm finally starting to accept myself as a gay man and a Christian (something I didn't think possible a year ago). I came out to my best friend and it was a terrifying experience. I'm now working my way up to telling my parents and my friends up North and I'm completely terrified because I'm well aware that my parents are either going to struggle to accept me, or refuse to try. So I thought I'd throw the question to the forum! When you came out, or when someone you knew came out - how was the experience for you? How did other people react? Did everything go terribly wrong? Also if there are any parents out there: how would you feel about your child being gay?

I'm just going to reiterate here that I am not looking to cause conflict with this thread and I apologise if you've found any of this post offensive. It isn't supposed to be. I'm just looking for some help and guidance with this and thought I'd put it to the community.

Thanks for reading.

[iPromise]

Hey Erslich, I sure hope you're willing to accept the consequences of this. Matter of fact some parents such as yours are not willing to accept anything otherwise, their beliefs are of utmost importance, and they expect the same from their family.

My ugh - past relationship, was with a guy who was in a highly religious family. Long story short, it didn't work out because he need to please his parents. It hurt, I felt betrayed, and used.

So first word of advice, until you really truly accept yourself for who you are and are willing to accept the consequences that come with being truthful to your family, save the other guy the pain if you have to please your parents. please .. .

Secondly, a friend of mine is despised by his family, still is, since he came out. He goes home on the major holidays only to be told how sinful he is, and how there's no place in heaven for him blah blah blah all that good stuff I'm sure you've heard already.

Matter of fact is, you either live a truthful life, or like a fake one. Your choice, your decision, but with every choice/decision there lies consequences, and sacrifices. In my past case, I was the sacrifice.

But really, it sounds like you're very aware of the possibilities that will arise from coming out to your family.

All the best man, and just be truthful to yourself always, and to others when you know it's the right time.

[zeon]

hello there,
When i came out as gay i was 17 years old I was scared i was going to be kicked out but after some thinking i figured if my mum loves me and always has she will understand im still me so i decided to tell her and she was like.... Well i could have told ya that lol.. My nan who is very religious and doesnt agree with it i told her she has said some nasty things and ive said some back and tell her regularly shes a bloody wench yet i do still love her shes me nan.. People i meet i now reveal immediately before friendship goes on because that way they then understand there is no skeleton in the closet and to be honest if they cannot accept it it isd their problem not mine ive done what i can and they have to meet me half way if they want to be a friend of mine..

Now coming out to your parents the fact you live so far away it shouldnt be too hard because you got yourself established... One day when your ready just pick up the phone and tell em Im gay.. Of course wait for the questions and all the bible bullshit they may put to you but at the end of the day if it was a choice then im sure your parents could easily choose to hjave it with a same sex person... This is what ive said also to my nan when she threw that one at me.. Its not a choice its down to genetics... why change for others when its not the real you??? Being gay isnt a sin the bible doesnt say anything about two men having sexual intercourse and making it a sin and if it was to be a sin to be honest i would want to live a life of sin and be happy than die a miserable old fart knowing my life was just wasted!

[iPromise]

lol, Zeon your story is adorable! If all parents were like that huh? God bless your mom.

Although, I wouldn't pick the phone up and tell them, I think they deserve you telling them in-person. Face-to-Face : )

[cmj1985]

if it were such a great sin like mast say it is it would have been put in the 10 comandments
oh and ps: the 10 comandments say to love thy neighbor that means everyone

[iPromise]

The ten commandments say a lot of thing, they are all interpreted in many different ways. (but that's not what this topic is about).

What upsets me is how people interprets those words to make themselves feel above all else.

[pellaz]

before this gets drug down in the name of jesus:

-Your parents wake up every day and put the pants on like everyone. Just they are a little unsure on their sexuality. They create a narrow belief system so they can cope day to day and barely raise their family.

-you are self supporting individual. Behave like one. You spent your whole live (since an 8 year old) trying to figure your gay self. Dont expect your parents to get on line with this. They will not be able to give you the love and support you search for. You need to build a house hold and family for your self. Keep the rents out of it for now and concentrate on building you life. Attach a pic of your new husband to an email saying your gay, you will need to do it than.

-Its the worst kind of animal that dosnt support their gay or straight children 101%, who do they expect to do this?

[Rainbowmum]

Hello Erslich,
First let me say welcome to the forum.

As a mother I do not accept the whole sin thing , as an excuse not to deal with reality.
Parents abandoning their children because of mans law not Gods law are being brainwashed.

I also do not accept that man has the right to decide who gets Gods blessing and who doesn't.
Jesus died for all our sins not just some.

He also gave a new command.

John 15:12
My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you.
Matthew 25:40
"The King will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.'

Matthew 7:1
"Judge not, that ye be not judged."

How much simpler must these scriptures be to better understand them?

Most devout Christians think that the bible , is exactly the way it was 2000 years ago, this is false , so many books were taken out .

If you do decide to come out to them , expect that it will not be easy.
It will be the bravest thing you can do, but do remember that they have been brainwashed.

I wish you luck , remember we are all here for you.

[monk]

And, by the way, Jesus never said a word against homosexuality. He preached love.

It's a shame that his (alleged) followers can't do the same.

And remember, it's your life.

[fenris]

Hi and welcome :-)

Seems - if I´m honest - that you have to go a hard way for a while. The Parents of my first bf was not religious ... but they "want to protect their good name" in a very stupid way.
I can´t tell you whats to do with your parents... I never had such problems, my mother told me a few month after my official coming out at home that " I have to look out for a man because I need a man and I kill her nerves " :-)
Important is that you - if you feel the time is right for you - straight go your own way. If they accept it or not.... the consequences I you want to do it "right" for your parents are that you pay with your own peace and happyness.
If they want to force you back, maybe punish you or want to kick you out.... go to a youth office and let these people take care of you. I know ..a hard way ... but better as playing the role of the black sheep.... For young gay people it is important to find their own way... and parents have not the right to prohibit it.
But maybe they accept it better as you think in time.... if they see that to accept you is the only way....