Why don't I want to come out?

[miamibrah]

Hey,

I go to college in Miami. I have a very liberal family which I know would be accepting of me if I told them I am gay. I also believe my female friends would be accepting, and my male friends would be after a period of adjustment. However, I have a fear of being judged by new people I meet through the lens of being gay - i.e. people will not see me as a normal person but as a "gay kid" or even if guys still want to be friends with me as their "gay friend".

Has anyone had similar fears and seen the results?

[East]

Don't let anyone else define you. Define yourself.

[PaddyB2k12]

I understand your fears, as I until last year, had not come out I was afraid of not only if they would accept me as I am but if they would see me as the same person I was and not what my sexual orientation is. It got to the point that I grew angry and quick to snap at people, and all I needed was one person to talk to.

I understand that you feel that doubt from your friends it is only natural my advice to you is to tell them and let them do what they will, it is how they act at this time that let's you know where your true friends side. I lost two friends because they couldn't get over the fact that I was gay and they became homophobic idiots. No loss on my behalf they did me a favour.

[Person66]

Yes I was terrified of comming out, I may be bi, but I figured this would be even more confusing to people than if I were gay. However I live in New York, a liberal place. When I told the first person, it took forever for me to say it, the words just would not come out of my mouth and I was stuttering (I have never stuttered before) I also was saying it in a very roundabout way (mind you this was a friend who gay himself and about 10 years older) I finally got it out and I felt much better, though I have a feeling he thought this was amusing. Then one by one I told all of my friends, all the girls were perfectly OK with it, all but 2 of the guys also had no problems (those 2 just needed a little bit of time, then they couldn't care less).
As for my family, that was trickier. My mother is very liberal and accepting of these things, my aunt is accepting has gay friends, but believes a lot of stereotypical things about gays (like that we're extremely promiscuous). My younger brother is homophobic and bigoted in general. My father hates gays, but he has a reason, the only gay person he knows is his youngest brother, who is a total idiot, he always wanted his mothers love but she only truly loves her youngest son, however he lives alone and is very isolated.
So I decided to only tell my mother, I told her I was going to tell her something that might make her feel I was depraved, I then said I was bisexual and had slept with a man, she had a horrified look on her face after I said this and replied "yes, but tell me what you did that was depraved" lol. It was very anti-climactic.
I decided not to tell my aunt or brother, as I'm not close to them at all in any way.
So that's where I am.

[pellaz]

... fear of being judged by new people I meet through the lens of ...

disclaimer:
dont let anyone do it for you, out your self. Carefully think it through what you need balanced against the safety first aspect. Everybody is sooo different.

In the end consider the fear of being judged by your self. When the self image thing is missing the target a you suffer needless depression and mood swings. You miss out on a lot of what life has to offer too because you have less confidence. For some people it dosnt matter as they have more than average self confidence, positive outlook.

Most family and close friends already know. When their best intentions are confused do you think they love you more? If friends are suspicious who you are they are likely to give their support. Who are you to think it even matters to most people other than they wonder what you are hiding?

Unless you are going to deprive your self all passion you will fall in love. Good luck being in the closet with a boy friend when you, not him, are afraid of being seen in public together. Men (gay or straight) are generally built like they are the stronger person if they are able to find a supportive relationship after they leave their mothers. Start your own live with the least house hold drama, keep things simple.

[Vigilias]

Coming out is a very personal experience and should be done on your terms and your terms alone.

Come out only if and when you want to although it can make things a lot easier if and when you do.

Good luck if and when the time comes.