Hi, I am 40 and married and I have finally accepted that I am gay. I have never been with another man in a relationship or sexually, but I have no doubt I would really enjoy dating men and being intimate with them.
My problem is that I love my wife VERY much and the thought of hurting her and my three kids weighs on me so much that I think I'd rather die than to do so. I can't imagine ever having peace if I came out and hurt them. It has taken me this long to accept that I am gay, maybe I can just be one of those guys that stays in the closet and deals with the pain of not expressing his sexuality.
Or, if I do come out, will I one day get past that hurt and be more at peace. I am so confused and frustrated.
Any and all advice is greatly appreciated.
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Antonym, yours is unfortunately too common a story... man in his forties realises that his whole life has been frustrating and a sham (or partly a sham), doesn't know how to announce it to his wife but realises that he's got to do something about it.
I'm afraid there's no way this is not going to cause hurt, one way or the other. Of course you love your wife and have consideration for her feelings, but if you go with the option of not hurting HER feelings, it means that you are going to continue to deny your own feelings, as you have for so long, quite successfully, one might suppose.
Denying those feelings now that they are coming to the fore, or now that this idea of you being gay has matured, is not going to be a good idea. It's a bit like this torture that consists in tying up the foreskin so that the urine can't flow out of the body... The pain becomes excruciating and you could die of it.
At first you didn't realise that the urine duct was blocked (that's when you still thought you could make a go of it at being straight), but soon, the urine builds up in the bladder (this is the feeling that there is more to life than the straight life) and soon the pain becomes too hard to endure. So like a dam that bursts, announcing that you are gay (that the urine is building up and becoming unbearably painful) is going to cause some damage. The dam's going to burst, all the more so as you are now aware of it.
Don't do this to yourself.
What your wife will have to face, like yourself, is one of the life changes that occur, especially after some years of being in a relationship.
Well my advice would be to try and understand how this phenomenon is likely to affect your life, your marital life, your family and children too.
Being gay is not the worst thing that could happen. It's just unfortunate that, like so many men before you, you were not dealt the right cards to build concrete judgement of what your real sexual orientation was. It does not mean that you never loved your wife. It doesn't mean that you weren't able to operate in a straight relationship. It just means that you didn't have the language to articulate who you were.
I hope I've covered some of the basics of your problem. Would you like to ask more specific questions about your case? How could you see a way forward?
It will take a lot of courage, I know, to tell your wife, but I think it's the only way forward now you've reached this stage. Surely you are allowed a bit of happiness? And since your heart is elsewhere, doesn't your wife also deserve a love that is all hers? Set her free, set yourself free.
Good luck with whatever you decide to do.
PA
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Are you still feeling that homophobia, Pellaz?
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