18 things airline pilots never tell you

[LONDONER]

1.Most people get sick after traveling not because of what they breathe but because of what they touch.

Always assume that the tray table and the button to push the seat back have not been wiped down, though we do wipe down the lavatory. —Patrick Smith, Airline Captain


2. It’s one thing if the pilot puts the seat belt sign on for the passengers...but if he tells the flight attendants to sit down, you’d better listen. That means there’s some serious turbulence ahead. —John Greaves, Airline Captain


3. Driving is WAY scarier than flying a plane. People always ask, "What’s the scariest thing that’s ever happened to you?" I tell them it was a van ride from the Los Angeles airport to the hotel, and I’m not kidding. —
Jack Stephan, Airline Captain


4. Most of the time, how you land is a good indicator of a pilot’s skill. So if you want to say something nice to a pilot as you’re getting off the plane, say ‘Nice landing.’ We do appreciate that. —Joe D’Eon, a pilot at a major airline who produces a podcast at flywithjoe.com


5 The two worst airports for us: Reagan National in Washington, D.C., and John Wayne in Orange County, California.
You’re flying by the seat of your pants trying to get in and out of those airports. John Wayne is especially bad because the rich folks who live near the airport don’t like jet noise, so they have this noise abatement procedure where you basically have to turn the plane into a ballistic missile as soon as you’re airborne.
 —Pilot, South Carolina




6. At some airports with really short runways, you’re not going to have a smooth landing no matter how good we are: John Wayne Airport; Jackson Hole, Wyoming; Chicago Midway; and Reagan National. —Joe D’Eon, Captain


7. Remember: Bad weather exists BETWEEN cities, too. This happens all the time: We’ll be in Pittsburgh going to Philly, and there will be a weather delay. The weather in Pittsburgh is beautiful. Then I’ll hear passengers saying, ‘You know, I just called my friend in Philly, and it’s beautiful there too,’ like there’s some kind of conspiracy or something. But in the airspace between Pittsburgh and Philly there’s a huge thunderstorm. —Jack Stephan, Airline Captain


8. Is traveling with a baby in your lap safe? No. It’s extremely dangerous. If there’s any impact or deceleration, there’s a good chance you’re going to lose hold of your kid, and he becomes a projectile. But the government’s logic is that if we made you buy an expensive seat for your baby, you’d just drive, and you’re more likely to be injured driving than flying.—Patrick Smith, Airline Captain


9. Whatever you pay to fly, we pay more. Please don’t complain to me about your lost bags or the rotten service or that the airline did this or that. My retirement was taken to help subsidize your $39 airfare. —Pilot, South Carolina




10. I know pilots who spend a quarter million on their education and training, then that first year as a pilot, they qualify for food stamps. —Furloughed first officer, Texas



We miss the peanuts too. —US Airways pilot, South Carolina


11. We don’t wear our hats in the cockpit, by the way. On TV and in the comics, you always see these pilots with their hats on, and they have their headsets on over the hat, and that always makes us laugh. —Joe D’Eon, Captain


12. There's a good reason for everything we ask you to do. We ask you to put up the window shade so the flight attendants can see outside in an emergency, to assess if one side is better for an evacuation. It also lets light into the cabin if it goes dark and helps passengers get oriented if the plane flips or rolls over. —Patrick Smith, Captain


13. We hear some dumb things. Here’s a news flash: We’re not sitting in the cockpit listening to the ball game. Sometimes we can ask the controllers to go to their break room to check the score. But when I fly to Pittsburgh on a Sunday afternoon, the passengers send the flight attendants up at least ten times to ask us the Steelers score.
 —Commercial pilot, Charlotte, North Carolina




14. I am so tired of hearing ‘Oh my God, you’re a girl pilot.’ When you see a black pilot, do you say ‘Oh my God, you’re a black pilot’? —

Pilot for a regional carrier--

People tend to think the airplane is just flying itself. Trust me, that’s not true. It can fly by itself sometimes. But you’ve always got your hands on the controls waiting for it to mess up. And it does mess up. —Pilot, South Carolina


15. Those buddy passes they give us? I give them only to my enemies now. Sure, you can get a $1,000 airfare to Seattle for $100. But since you have to fly standby, it will take you three months to get back because you can’t get a seat. —Pilot, South Carolina


16. Some insider advice: I always tell my kids to travel in sturdy shoes. If you have to evacuate and your flip-flops fall off, there you are standing on the hot tarmac or in the weeds in your bare feet. —Joe D’Eon, Captain

Captain

 cold on the airplane? Tell your flight attendant. We’re in a constant battle with them over the temperature. They’re moving all the time, up and down the aisles, so they are always calling and saying, ‘Turn up the air.’ But most passengers I know are freezing. —Captain at a major carrier


17. Here’s the truth about airline jobs: You don’t have as much time off as your neighbors think you have, you don’t make as much money as your relatives think you make, and you don’t have as many girlfriends as your wife thinks you have. Still, I can’t believe they pay me to do this. —Commercial pilot, Charlotte, North Carolina

18. Finally, some airline lingo:

Blue juice: The water in the lavatory toilet. “There’s no blue juice in the lav.

”
Crotch watch: The required check to make sure all passengers have their seat belts fastened. Also referred to as: “groin scan.”


Crumb crunchers: Kids. “We’ve got a lot of crumb crunchers on this flight.

”
Deadheading: When an airline employee flies as a passenger for company business.


Gate lice: The people who gather around the gate right before boarding so they can be first on the plane. “Oh, the gate lice are thick today.

”
George: Autopilot. “I’ll let George take over.

”
Landing lips: Female passengers put on their “landing lips” when they use their lipstick just before landing.


Pax: Passengers.


Spinners: Passengers who get on late and don’t have a seat assignment, so they spin around looking for a seat.


Two-for-once special: The plane touches down on landing, bounces up, then touches down again.


Working the village: Working in coach.

[Rainbowmum]

Crumb crunchers and gate lice :biggrin: