Actually I thought hard about discussing my problems in a public forum, but I guess it canât get any worse. Iâve kind of a love problem. Iâve a boyfriend, heâs 24. Weâre together a bit more than a year and Iâve to say it has been the best year of my life. Heâs perfect; heâs that kind of person Iâve always wanted to meet. Iâm happy with him.
The only thing is that we havenât had sex yet. Iâve a feeling that he doesnât want me to touch him at all. Iâve tried several times to get close to him, but all of them failed. If I hug him, he hugs me back, but suddenly he becomes so very tense and I can feel he wants me to let go of him. If weâre sleeping together, he lets me hold him at first, but then he slowly slips out of my arms, probably when he thinks Iâm asleep. At first I thought that heâs scared, because Iâm his first boyfriend and because heâs unfamiliar with being in relationship. But now I feel that something is wrong. He doesnât even really kiss me. A fast smooch is the best that I can get. We donât live together, but when he stays with me overnight, I sometimes try to initiate sex, but he says that he doesnât want to do it.
Heâs a wonderful guy, heâs sweet, caring, and I feel that he loves me, but when it comes to any physical contact, he runs away immediately. When I ask him to tell me what is wrong, he always says heâs not ready for sex and doesnât want it. This is his only explanation. I don't want to force him and I can accept and understand many things, but I think that after a year relationships should somehow move forward, shouldnât they? Or is it fine and itâs just me thatâs so impatient?
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Do you think he is just lonely, and he's found someone nice to be with? Maybe he's not really gay at all but is looking for friendship and going about it the wrong way. I'm not sure that two guys can sleep together regularly for a year and not have sex, and call each other boyfriends.
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Spellbound Wrote:Do you think he is just lonely, and he's found someone nice to be with? Maybe he's not really gay at all but is looking for friendship and going about it the wrong way. I'm not sure that two guys can sleep together regularly for a year and not have sex, and call each other boyfriends.
I know him good enough and I know that he's an honest person. If he would want to be just friends with me, he would tell me that.
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That is a *TOUGH* situation. On the one hand, I feel like it's never right to push someone to do anything physical, on the other my patience would not have lasted nearly as long as yours. I *need* physical intimacy (even if it's not sex), it's how I give and receive affection.
Do you know much about his background story? It seems like he has too extreme a reaction for it to be that he's just not ready for sex yet (especially if he stays over, often, yall have been an item for a year, and he's 24 years old - generalities would tell us that he should be begging for sex/physical intimacy). So, I'm curious if maybe there was some abuse in his childhood and, if so, if he's taken the time to deal with it. Also, how comfortable is he with his sexuality?
The only thing I can think of is there is something big underneath the surface of all of this that hasn't been handled...and I wish you both luck moving forward.
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It sounds like your boyfriend may have Erotophobia. Do some research on the subject and it might give you some insight on what's may be going on; if you feel that this is the case, you might want talk to a professional on how you to best help your boyfriend overcome it.
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I know it might seem obvious, but have you considered talking to him about why he doesn't want to have sex? If it's an issue of past abuse or trauma then there are ways to help someone work through those issues and they should seek professional help if they can. I don't agree with Spell that people can't be together for a year without sex and still be boyfriends, lots of people have genuine relationships without sex for reasons of distance, religion, or health. Edward's boyfriend might have perfectly reasonable reasons for being uncomfortable with sex and I think a compassionate approach is best.
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Edward Wrote:When I ask him to tell me what is wrong, he always says heâs not ready for sex and doesnât want it. This is his only explanation. I don't want to force him and I can accept and understand many things, but I think that after a year relationships should somehow move forward, shouldnât they? Or is it fine and itâs just me thatâs so impatient?
So he answered your question.
As for the other, well if this is the way you feel you should end the relationship and find someone more compatible.
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OrphanPip Wrote:I know it might seem obvious, but have you considered talking to him about why he doesn't want to have sex? If it's an issue of past abuse or trauma then there are ways to help someone work through those issues and they should seek professional help if they can. I don't agree with Spell that people can't be together for a year without sex and still be boyfriends, lots of people have genuine relationships without sex for reasons of distance, religion, or health. Edward's boyfriend might have perfectly reasonable reasons for being uncomfortable with sex and I think a compassionate approach is best.
Yes, I've tried talking to him about it many times. He just says he doesn't want it and I don't have the heart to force him to talk. But yeah, I feel that there's something greater underneath.
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TKC Wrote:That is a *TOUGH* situation. On the one hand, I feel like it's never right to push someone to do anything physical, on the other my patience would not have lasted nearly as long as yours. I *need* physical intimacy (even if it's not sex), it's how I give and receive affection.
Do you know much about his background story? It seems like he has too extreme a reaction for it to be that he's just not ready for sex yet (especially if he stays over, often, yall have been an item for a year, and he's 24 years old - generalities would tell us that he should be begging for sex/physical intimacy). So, I'm curious if maybe there was some abuse in his childhood and, if so, if he's taken the time to deal with it. Also, how comfortable is he with his sexuality?
The only thing I can think of is there is something big underneath the surface of all of this that hasn't been handled...and I wish you both luck moving forward.
As much as I know there are no issues in his background. He has a really nice family, they know about him being gay, I've a great relationships with his parents. He's openly gay, so I don't think he's not comfortable with his sexuality. He has never had relationships before, so I thought that maybe he's shy, but now I'm not sure anymore.
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is he open about being naked? if so do you like what you see.
does he watch porn and if so watch it together.
just give him a back rub. little more each time
is he more relaxed when drunk
does he want a relationship, to be more than friends. How would you define the differences between friends and people in a relationship.
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