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Boyfriend not meeting sexual/intimate needs
#1
Hi all,

To start off, I'm early 20s and my boyfriend is late 20s.

My boyfriend and I are madly in love with each other and fully intend on spending our lives together. We recently moved to a new city together so I could attend school and he could start a new job in his career field. Before we moved here, we lived in different apartments. At the time, we would have sex maybe three or four times a week, which was fine - neither of us wanted the focus of the relationship at that point to be sexual, though he was made aware of my high sex drive early on and I was made aware of his (which he played off to be high but that he was good at controlling it) in which I told him ideally I'd have sex once a day but to be realistic we wouldn't be having it that much. He told me when we moved it'd be different and we would have sex more often.

Sure enough, we moved and the sex stopped. I've expressed to him a million times calmly that I need sex, I need physical intimacy, and I need to make love. His answer is always "I need romancing." I respect that, and since the beginning of our relationship have been providing him with everything he's asked for in that regard. And still, while his emotional needs are being met, my physical needs are not.

Last night we got into an argument about it. I tried talking to him again about how I feel like my needs aren't being taken care of - that I'm not asking for sex a million times a week, just every few days. I explained that it's more then just sex, but being in a relationship, we need that physical aspect. I want that physical aspect. I told him I'm far too young to be in a sexless relationship - that we can have a successful emotionally based relationship that comes with sex. His answer was "Well my needs aren't being met either." I got upset at this point because he yet again ignored my feelings in favour of his own. Instead of discussing how I feel, and what matters to me, he brushed it under the rug.

Later in the night he approached me and I told him that - that I feel like he doesn't care, that I've tried making him happy but he has yet to try and make me happy. That I don't feel attractive or wanted sexually. I told him the argument had nothing to do with the sex anymore - I was made to feel unappreciated and disregarded. We haven't talked since then.

I need some advice. Am I asking too much to want sex with my boyfriend? He claims it has nothing to do with his age (being 7 years older then me and not as sexual, whereas I'm still young and revving to go), he tells me all the time that I'm sexy... but I don't feel that way. I don't want to have sex with someone who doesn't want to have it with me, but I also don't want to lose him. What should I do? Any conversations I try to have with him about it end with him getting upset because he isn't a sex machine (which I don't ask of him.)
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#2
Well i don't think sex is worth fighting over. You have a good thing going that a lot of us sad single fuckers would want right now so don't lose him over sex. Maybe there is something he is ashamed of during sex. It could be that he feels he isn't big enough or isn't gonna be able to fulfil your needs like he had hoped or it could be he was raped at a young age and the memory comes back. What i think you should do is have a sit-down and talk about things, If he gets angry just calm him down by rubbing his hand or back and letting him know you guys are just talking. And if he says again you aren't helping his needs don't get mad! Just ask him "show me how to meet you needs" But please keep calm next time and keep us updated
I am the angles that hold and surround you

I am the demon you're afraid to meet
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#3
Two of the most commonly encountered problems in a relationship are sex & money.. You have to learn how to handle both these problems with mutual understanding & agreement. This requires both parties to set down and calmly solve the problem together.

In your case, you have a partner that doesn't want to have sex. He has said it's because he wants to be romanced a little before giving up the goodies,,, but when you do romance him, he still doesn't want to have sex. So,,, he's not telling you the real problem he's having with sex. The next logical step is to get him to open up about whatever the problem really is....

Ask him what he means by "being romanced"... You two may have completely different ideas on what that entails.

Find out what he likes to do in bed. He may have enjoyed being a bottom at the beginning of the relationship,,, but now he wants to do something else. It could be that he has developed an anal fissure or hemorrhoids,, and that is preventing him from wanting sex.

There are literally hundreds of reasons for why he is no longer wanting to have sex. He may not even know what the problem is,, or he's to embarrassed to tell you.

He may need to start seeing a Sex Therapist to work thru what is causing his lack of sexual activity.

Best Wishes,
Jim
We Have Elvis !!
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#4
Is it possible he is spending his sexual energy some other way, like masturbation?
I assume you believe there is not another person involved, right?
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#5
Maybe you could write up the same thing from your BF's point of view and post that here too. It's hard to make any constructive comments hearing half the story.
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#6
So, new city, new job, new apartment... could be he's stressed and tired, and this is just a phase.
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#7
fctchkr Wrote:....Am I asking too much to want sex with my boyfriend? ...
Of course not. What we don't know is what this is really all about. Apparently you (two?) don't either. You and the BF need to learn how to communicate about this stuff. How to discuss stuff, get into stuff, without triggering either of you into defensive postures. [MENTION=11919]jimcrackcorn[/MENTION] has put in in perspective. There are hundreds of possible reasons why your BF is behaving as he is... we don't know the full story. It's possible even HE doesn't really know. That is, he's dealing with a psychological issue that is repressed in his own psyche.

One thing I say is it takes two to tangle. That is to say, whatever the problem is, it is apart of the relationship dynamic. It isn't just "his" or "your" problem. It's a problem within the relationship.

How to sort it all out, get to the heart of it so you can move forward? Well... IDK. Maybe you're going to have to see a couples counselor or sex therapist. It may be there IS no simple, easy solution. It may be you're sexually incompatible.

BTW... I think this is the second time this kind of thing has been brought up in the forum here in the past couple weeks. Just saying, this isn't as unusual a scenario as you might think. We humans are complicated creatures. Well, on one level, we're pretty simple, actually, but on other levels we can get very messed up. So sometimes (I really want to say "often") we don't really understand WHY we feel the way we do... we just do. And sometimes there's not much of anything we can do about it. That's a truth most of us don't want to admit.

But at the very least what we can do is know what is true for us... learn how to put that out there clearly... and learn to LISTEN, really, deeply, listen... to what those whom we love and who love us are trying to tell us.
.
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#8
I would say, sexual urges are important, but someone you love is more so.
teach your hands to get freaky and relieve yourself Big Grin I bet he comes out of his funk whatever it is since you previously had good sexual relations its not because he is unatracted to you its likely his stress levels are higher due to the newness of everything. Give him time ^_^
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#9
Try to find time to talk about it when there are no demands being made. What does he mean be romancing? Can you cuddle and talk? Are you putting pressure on him? Is something worrying him or is he unused to so much companionship? Moving in together can be more of an adjustment for some people than others? Are you each getting an appropriate amount of alone time? It is rough on some couples to always be together. It is good to talk but also good to not talk and give time a chance to work.
I bid NO Trump!
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#10
Has he explained his feelings about it as well? Or... am I just missing something?
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