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Confused dating situation
#1
HI guys,

I'm in an awkward situation in my current relationship. We are together just over 6 months, so things started to get more serious.

Here's the thing, we come from different worlds. I am fairly traditional when it comes to relationships. I believe in monogamy. I reserve all sexual and emotional connection for my partner alone.
He on the other hand comes from a polyamoris lifestyle where he had multiple people he shared all with, including sex, cuddles, kisses and emotionally.

We went back and forth in the beginning and I told him that I would only be able to date him if it was monogamous. I told him, if we ever got to that point and he wanted to mix it up, that's in the future and we would have to see where we are at that time. He agreed and we started dating.

We had a rocky start but have been doing well until recently. He's met my family, he's met everyone in my life, and no one before him has. I never brought a guy home before so this isn't something I take lightly. I have noticed he's been pulling back a bit. He told me he feels trapped because he can't be himself. Also every time he's going out with a friend, it seems shady to me. He doesn't want to tell me about his friends, he doesn't want me to meet them. we had a big argument and he said he doesn't tell me or introduce me because he feels I would judge them and not be open to their friendship because of his past. And because he doesn't feel like he needs to tell me about all his friends and who he's with or what he's doing.
I will admit, I'm not the best with my words so things come out without thinking them through. But apparently me asking him for more information about his friend that he's meeting up with late night that I never heard of before is too invasive. And he plans on staying there butwon't tell me where he'll be.
So this all led to us fighting and in the end I don't mindgiving him space, but he has it in his mind I Will one day be okay with an open relationship.
I am not sure it will be that way. I only see the person I'm with, I don't even get off from porn.
So I said to him, "what if that day comes aND I try, which I will do because I love you, but I realize I can't do it. Will that be a problem? "
That's when he said he doesn'tknow because that's him and that's the life he wants currently. That all he knew.
So now I'm lost, do I continue on with him and hope we just work , because it's a chance and a what if. But I'm scared that if I don't end it now, in the future I may lose him because I didn't change to what he was hoping... either way losing him will hurt, but I'm not sure what to do.
#2
Sounds like a fundamental incompatibility. You can either buckle in and hope that one of you changes over time. Or you can accept that this relationship is a non-starter and break up now.

Given that he's hiding his friendships from you I'd say he's already got one foot out the door. Maybe he's running damage control or maybe he thinks that meeting his promiscuous friends might be the straw that breaks the camel's back and drives you apart. Either way he doesn't seem to have much faith in your relationship.

Personally, and I absolutely hate saying this. I think you should begin to dissolve the relationship now. If you know you're not going to want an open relationship in the future and he's certain he wont want a monogamous relationship in the future. Then frankly I don't see how you two can have a future together at all.
#3
TigerLover Wrote:Sounds like a fundamental incompatibility.

We knew we had these differences going in, I guess it's a matter do I wait to see what happens, or do I not give it the chance.
#4
Not that I know much about anything but this kind of incompatibility seems too tricky to solve.

Are you truly going to be ok with "sharing" him with others or this is just something you do to keep this?

Is he ever going to be ok being just with you or is this just something he can only keep for so long?

He doesn't sound happy and I'm pretty sure you won't be either very soon. Then there is the mistrust. That is a killer of relationships.

The core problem, you both want different things. The sooner this sinks in, the better.
[Image: 05onfire1_xp-jumbo-v2.jpg?quality=90&auto=webp]
#5
TigerLover Wrote:Sounds like a fundamental incompatibility. You can either buckle in and hope that one of you changes over time. Or you can accept that this relationship is a non-starter and break up now.

Given that he's hiding his friendships from you I'd say he's already got one foot out the door.

He said it, and to be honest? I think [MENTION=22948]TigerLover[/MENTION] hit the nail on the head here.

Not everyone is compatible with each other. I think you'd be happier finding someone that's a better match to what you expect out of a relationship.
[Image: Signature500.jpg][Image: Signature502.jpg]
#6
So we had talked and decided to give each other some space. He has some other things going on as well and he needs to sort things in his head. Although we are still together atm, I will let him make his decision and so will I.
#7
sorry it turned out that way but sometimes it's the best. I'm in NYC as well if you ever want to talk or grab coffee.


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