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DEATH!...and being Phony
#1
I have to get something off of my chest...no need to comment really but if you read it.....thanks ahead of time and please forgive my whining. I am afraid if I don't write this I am going to explode!

I have a weird thing where I cannot be phony. I know this comes natural to most people but for me...If I don't think it or feel it...I cannot for the life of me say it. Let me be clear...I am not knocking people who are phony...I am jealous of them. This has been a real thorn in my side my whole life.

It took me alot of very intense concentration and practice not to blurt out what I really think which is my natural inclination...that has been a lifelong battle and I am pretty good about keeping quiet now...but there is no way I can say something I dont' feel or think...
the words will just not come out of my mouth...

...so....alot of people lately around town have been dying but I didn't like any of them and I simply cannot force myself to say I am sorry even though social etiquette deems that this is the proper thing to do. Even worse...I have been cornered now by two of the spouses who asked me why i didn't come to the funeral and I KNEW I was supposed to say "Gosh...I am so sorry to hear that ___________ died" but I was really thinking "Please go away and stop bothering me" :eek: (Thank God I didnt' say that)

...now a third "friend" of the most recently deceased comes in and starts bawling to me and I am horrified...they just left maybe 1/2 hour ago and every inch of my being wants to scream...they sucked the air out of me and they actually wanted me to comfort them with phony platitudes on top of draining my energy....

Don't get me wrong...if I really AM sorry I will not only say it but show it with no problem at all.

...and since I can't do the primal screaming thing right this moment...I am doing THIS instead:biggrin: .......WHEW! OK I am done:biggrin:
#2
Using social etiquette to respect social expectations does not have to include being one tit phony! But I understand you're having to stand by your own conventions. I think what's more important is you have the good sense to not show out, come here and let 'er rip tater chip! I would never have been as accommodating with the situation you describe. Wavey
Heart  Life's too short to miss an opportunity to show your love and affection!  Heart
#3
I know how you feel, I don't do the "politically correct thing" either. Sure if I mean it, I will say "I'm sorry." If not, in a situation like yours, I'd say something along the lines of "You must really miss _________.." It's honest and, while I might empathize, I don't miss whoever died.

Then I come with a reason I have to go, or they do or something. "Yeah, I can imagine how hard this is on you but, I really should get back to [insert what I want to be doing]."

I remember, even at age 10, when my grandfather passed, I never cried. I didn't know him that well and, I never did figure out how all that crying and carrying on was supposed to help. Yeah, I understand now, and there are people I have or will cry for if I outlive them, but at the time all I knew was crying was a reason for father to belt me even more so, I didn't see why I was supposed to cry - got belted for not crying that day. I guess that kind of set the tone for me not showing emotion unless it's genuine.

I see nothing wrong with being honest and real, but there is a place to be polite about doing it and, soften the blunt edges a bit. You know who around you can't handle your bluntness when, just be gently honest.
#4
When I get into situations like this, my "I'm sorry" almost always means "Wow, I'm really sorry you are hurting, and I hope you feel better soon."

If I don't like them... well, I am still honestly sorry they're going through it, and that's what I mean when I say "I'm sorry." I guess I never thought that it's supposed to mean "Hey, that really sucks. I wish _____ was still here, and I'm sorry s/he isn't."

Just my rambling thought and may or may not really reflect what you're trying to say.

As far as being phony... I can't do that. I don't know *how* unless I'm deliberately acting in an acting setting. I won't do it. I just find a way to double-meaning something (like "I'm sorry for your loss") then politely take my leave.

Of course, I get to blame it on my Asperger's if I really stick my foot in it. ;-) (j/k - I don't blame it on me being an Aspie, but down the road if someone is pissed at me and I can't fix it, I might bring it up...)
#5
I can't do it either, I'm a man of few words so "I'm sorry for your loss" is usually all I have to say.
#6
East Wrote:I have to get something off of my chest...no need to comment really but if you read it.....thanks ahead of time and please forgive my whining. I am afraid if I don't write this I am going to explode!

I have a weird thing where I cannot be phony. I know this comes natural to most people but for me...If I don't think it or feel it...I cannot for the life of me say it. Let me be clear...I am not knocking people who are phony...I am jealous of them. This has been a real thorn in my side my whole life.

It took me alot of very intense concentration and practice not to blurt out what I really think which is my natural inclination...that has been a lifelong battle and I am pretty good about keeping quiet now...but there is no way I can say something I dont' feel or think...
the words will just not come out of my mouth...

...so....alot of people lately around town have been dying but I didn't like any of them and I simply cannot force myself to say I am sorry even though social etiquette deems that this is the proper thing to do. Even worse...I have been cornered now by two of the spouses who asked me why i didn't come to the funeral and I KNEW I was supposed to say "Gosh...I am so sorry to hear that ___________ died" but I was really thinking "Please go away and stop bothering me" :eek: (Thank God I didnt' say that)

...now a third "friend" of the most recently deceased comes in and starts bawling to me and I am horrified...they just left maybe 1/2 hour ago and every inch of my being wants to scream...they sucked the air out of me and they actually wanted me to comfort them with phony platitudes on top of draining my energy....

Don't get me wrong...if I really AM sorry I will not only say it but show it with no problem at all.

...and since I can't do the primal screaming thing right this moment...I am doing THIS instead:biggrin: .......WHEW! OK I am done:biggrin:

Goodness, thought I was reading a post I had written about myself, except the giveaway is that it doesn't bother me that I am this way. People need to learn to deal with the fact that I am not a lovey dovey over emotional person and the fact that I am not great with grief and comfort.

I care about people, I love pople, I love being able to help people who want to help themselves...don't want to help yourself then you can not expect me to step in and help.

I have no problem saying sorry if I know I have made a mistake or if someone points out that I have made a mistake, and I will be genuinely sorry, but I don't see the need to get all emotional and make an issue out of an issue out of an issue.

I'm not a cuddly person, but I can say 'I Love You', and when I do say it, people know I mean it.

So yeah, I find it hard to be fake and I am neither jealous or disrespectful of people who can be fake or over emotional.

My favourite saying 'It is what it is' and you are who you are, accept peoples differences but never under any circumstances try and change someone or allow someone to chnge you. we are all perfect the way we are.

East, I love you Wink
#7
BighugSending you some calming energy, please take care of yourself.
It is okay to think of yourself ,and right now you need all the positive energy.

Healing time,slow down ,shut out the world.
Bighug
#8
WOW...I didn't really expect any responses and I almost deleted it after I wrote it but got sidetracked.............

I appreciate the suggestions and beleive me I have worked myself over the coals trying to 'fit in" for many years. I had all of my friends trained to NEVER introduce me to someone because I cannot say "nice to meet you"...or anything:eek:...if I don't feel it.

The thing is...I am an empath....versus having empathy...meaning my body soaks in what is happening around me and for me when someone's soul is not reflected by their words and actions I stay away from them...I don't want to be around them because the feelings they are ignoring I pick up on and it is alot of work for me. There are alot of psychic vampires walking aound...it is why I love zombie movies because they remind me of zombies:eek:

I like the suggestion about telling the person I am sorry for them except alot of times they aren't sorry either and I know it so I find avoiding the situation keeps my mouth shut and keeps me from saying anything I will regret.

...and Daz...THANK YOU for the reminder. I agree with you...my "jealousy" is not lasting and it is based on only one thing...it would make my life so much easier if I could just go along with those simple little things...but I can't.

I love you tooWink

...and Mum...I can feel it...thank you Bighug
#9
Three words East, Massive construct shields.

The just be politely honest.
#10
Blue Wrote:Three words East, Massive construct shields.
.

Hmmmm....any suggestions?

Here are the things that will lead me to the slaughter....

1) Feeling sorry for anyone...really bad idea and I might as well open up my arm and tell them to drink. I see it here all the time and I can easily avoid those threads but in the 3-D world I am sometimes blinded and I become and energy source for that person....

Empathy is the antidote so I try to switch to empathy if I find I am at a pity party.

2) Trying to help or "fix" someone when they dont' ask. It is LETHAL...horrible idea.

The thing is...alot of times I can hear people's souls and they can't...not unlike talkign to ghosts except ghosts are pure soul....these "ghosts" are in someone's body. Sometimes I hear people's souls screaming...or begging...or pleading....it really sucks....and then I naturally want to rescue them...VERY BAD IDEA! Of course anyone can rescue themselves and I know that...and I know exactly how to go about it.... but once someone insists in being a victim they will suck your energy dry if they can....

So...any suggestions on how to build that massive shield?

Oh yeah...."Politely Honest" I have down to an art form...really...I even impress myself sometimes. It is tiring though and if I can avoid situations I do...espcially the death ones. My close friends I am really honest with and I love that....and love them.


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