Did I Scare him off?

[bv33]

Also, I sometimes feel like I'm just being overly paranoid. I've had bad experiences with relationships in the past where I ended up getting hurt, and I dont want to repeat those bad experiences. I thought I found something special with this guy now, so it does hurt a little bit that things seemed to have changed for the worse.

But also, am I just over thinking things (which I tend to do a LOT)? I mean it has only been three days since we hooked up, which in the grand scheme of things is not long.

[East]

My initial thought is that the sexual chemistry just isn't there for some reason and he doesn't know how to deal with it or move forward.

One possible factor...so many men (and women) spend alot of time imagining and idealizing how everything "should" be and how they are going to feel and quite often no one measures up to their sexual fantasy. This is something most people don't want to talk about but IMO it is one of the problems most of us face at one time or another.

I don't think very many people deal with it very well for two reasons...one is we don't want to hurt the other person's feelings and two...we don't want to be
"that guy"....the obnoxious dick.... if we tell them the truth...

But hey...I could be wrong. I am trying to prepare you just in case and maybe give you some time to digest this possibility. I think it helps to know that this is a common thing...

[bv33]

I am definitely preparing myself for that possibility because that's what it seems like the most likely scenario is. He didn't feel chemistry so he's just trying to cut ties to make it easier for himself. Though I guess I don't get why he agreed to go out to dinner with me if he feels this way.

Also in the couple weeks leading up to this, there definitely seems to have been a mutual attraction. He's very physically affectionate when we hang out, always wants to cuddle when we watch movies, has called me cute many times. I guess maybe this may not be the same as sexual chemistry, but it still seemed like something was there.

And like I said, we've done a lot of other things together that weren't just based off sex. We've gone out for dinner, we went to his place and watched movies and cuddled (without sex), he even introduced me to all of his friends. It definitely didnt seem like sex was the only thing he was after

[ShiftyNJ]

Seems like a shame, if that's the case. If you mutually find each other appealing visually and kissing etc. seems to have been working. It's difficult for a man to fake enjoying sex if he isn't.

My vote is going to be with cold feet/fear of commitment and I will echo that you should not blame yourself until you know what is in his head. Attraction is such a funny thing it is kind of a miracle that it's EVER mutual.

[bv33]

It definitely didnt seem like he was faking his enjoyment. But the one thing that got me worried (and apologies if I'm getting too graphic) is that a problem I tend to have sometimes is that when I really like someone, and then have sex with them, I get nervous and sometimes will lose my erection, which is what happened with him. He was about to go down on me, clearly noticed, and kind of smirked, but then we just kept going and he seemed to still be enjoying every minute of it. But after that it kept weighing on my mind and I felt humiliated, and now i can't help but wonder if thats the reason he doesnt seem interested anymore. Its always been something I've been very self conscious about.

It also happened frequently when I first started dating my ex bf, but he was very patient with it and it didnt seem to bother him, and eventually I got over it and was able to always stay hard. But whenever I get with someone new I always worry that it might happen, and then it usually does. Its like some horrible self fulfilling prophecy

[MikeW]

[MENTION=22224]bv33[/MENTION] uncertainty and lack of clarity can certainly fuel our own insecurities, fears and phobias.

It has been pointed out by people who study communication theory and transactional analysis that *a lack of response* IS a *kind of* response.

Specifically it is, or borders on, passive aggressive -- because (intentionally, consciously or not) it gives the one holding back the *power* to make the one waiting for a reply *uncomfortable*.

Of course this assumes the one waiting for a reply has some *need* of one (for example, as in your case, to allay your personal insecurities). What's interesting is that this need is *separate from and in addition to* any simple need of *clarity* of communication.

I wonder if you see the power dynamics I'm pointing to here. It's very interesting -- and, in my experience offering advice on gay forums like this, fairly common.

I agree with others that speculating about his motivations isn't going to get us very far. We don't have him here to interrogate. However, we do have you -- and what we know is that you feel insecure about yourself on several levels. In my mind, THIS is the more important problem -- a problem which will continue to show up in your relationships so long as it is unresolved -- regardless how this particular transaction turns out.

I suggest you pay attention to and *own* (that is, take responsibility for) your own insecure feelings. This is your work. If you can begin to address these feelings in yourself, you may find that exchanges, interactions and transactions with a boy friend and potential partner will become much more direct and smooth. No matter WHAT happens, how he replies or whether he replies at all, keep telling yourself this simple truth: *"There is nothing fundamentally wrong with me; I may not be perfect and have things to learn, but at base I'm a good human being worthy of respect and love and capable of giving respect and love."* (Or whatever mantra is appropriate for you.)

I know, it sounds kind of 'dumb'… but those of us who suffer from personal and social insecurities really do need to remind ourselves of this simple fact over and over again.

[bv33]

Mike, Thank you very much for the reply. Your advice is very helpful and does make me feel better. I've known for a while that I have a huge amount of insecurities that I need to overcome, and something I've tried overcoming for a while, but is still taking time for me.

I am definitely going to try and stay strong, not think about it so much, and not let it get to me. I'm sure he has his reasons for being so distant with me all of a sudden, and it's something I want to address to him when I see him in person for our dinner date, which is scheduled for two days from now, assuming he doesn't bail out (which I'm thinking may be a strong possibility considering how often he gets held up at work). If he does cancel our plans, I will still plan to meet up with him at some point to talk.

I forgot to mention that I did also text him after we arranged our dinner plans. I texted him saying that even if he isn't able to do dinner, I'd still like to meet with him sometime this week because I "wanted to talk". His response was that that statement always makes him nervous, and I told him it wasn't anything bad, and that I just wanted to see if he and I were on the same page about things. He just said "ok" as a response, and since then, he's been even more quiet in his texts. I'm wondering if maybe I shouldn't have even said that because it came across too forward, or maybe it just freaked him out. I don't know.

[ShiftyNJ]

Well, it's conjecture, but if the prospect of something you might say has the power to make him nervous, that suggests he is still somewhat invested.

I know it could be terribly awkward, but I wonder if it would be worth letting the other guy know that this happens to you... otherwise the implication is there's something about him that's killing your mojo, especially when you don't know each other very well.

[bv33]

I actually am thinking of mentioning it to him, but only if he brings it up. I think there might be a chance this could be the reason for him being so distant - it has to either be that, or the fact that maybe he just didn't feel any sexual chemistry, because otherwise I can't think of anything else that would explain why he doesn't seem to want to talk anymore.

It is an awkward/embarrassing thing for me to talk about, but something I'm willing to say to him if he's at all concerned about me not being attracted to him. It's something I explained to my ex bf early on in our relationship as well - I made sure he knew that I was still attracted to him and was enjoying myself, but that it's a psychological issue that eventually goes away.

I will keep this updated and check back in once I've spoken to him in person.

[mnguy]

I can sympathize. Something similar happened to me on New Year's Eve. Talk about starting the year off on a bad note.