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Don't want to feel down anymore.
#1
Hello,

Well, I guess most of you know my story and if not it's just few threads down.

So I have this after break up stage in my life and find it really hard to deal with.

I'm an exchange student and living abroad what was my one of dreams and I love traveling and I do travel a lot but I can't enjoy it.
I'd never believe if someone told me few months ago that in the end of the year I'd be single and sad.

I guess my problem is that I can not see my ex boyfriend, I can not meet and talk to him to make it over eventually in my head. It's like I tell myself it's over but then I start day dreaming what if something changes when I go back.

My roommate is from Russia and he goes back home almost every weekend and I really feel down because when I come to my room there is no one to say hi, or ask how was my day.

I stay awake till 7 or 8 am and listen to some songs which make me even sadder. I am putting some photos of me and my ex and watch slide shows, read history of our conversations, basically things which I shouldn't be doing and won't help me at all.

I don't have desire to meet anyone here. First of all I don't want to meet any guy now, secondly I am gonna be here for only two more months so new relationship is pointless, and thirdly I don't need a sex date either, I don't even masturbate. I don't have any sexual desire somehow.

I don't eat well, sleep for a whole day, skip almost all of my lectures and me living here is a big fail because I don't even study.

What makes me feel a bit better is to meet my friends, talk unstoppable so I have no time to think and I recently I go for a shopping a lot and buy bunch of things for my family, (and for my ex as well. I think I will give this things to him when I meet him.)

Last thing, I don't like drinking alcohol. Every time I went to club or pub instead of forgetting my problems I start thinking about them much more when I'm tipsy.

Anyone been in the same situation? Any suggestions how to cheer myself up?

Kyle
#2
You need closure, and from reading what you are saying, I think you have already figured that out too.

It is hard to move on when you haven't had closure and that closure is so hard to find from a distance. The time will come when the two of you will meet and you can have a good chat and know in your heart that the break up is the right thing, then you can move on.
#3
A broken heart leads to all sorts of 'bad' things, not eating, lack of interest in 'fun things', photo album staring, reading of old letters, etc. etc. etc.

The symptoms of Grief and Depression are pretty similar. Depression just goes on and on, Grief we eventually get over.

There are 5 steps to the grieving process:

Denial
Anger
Bargaining
Depression
Acceptance

http://psychcentral.com/lib/2006/the-5-s...and-grief/
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/K%C3%BCbler-Ross_model

While this is often associated with loss through death, we also go through the same process for other emotional losses.

And we do not go through each step and move on, some times we go back and forth, go between say anger and depression, or denial and depression.

Divorce/breaking up is harder to cope and deal with than death. After all in death it is pretty final - we know there is no going back, no 'redoing it' no 'second chances'. When we break-up/divorce we tend to try to bargain our way back, seeking ways to go back to the way we were... Oh I don't know, buying that ex presents in hopes to win back that lost love.

Since there is that hope, it makes it much more difficult for us to work through the five steps.

What I am saying is that you are painfully, acutely normal. Everything you are experiencing here is what all of us go through to one point or another when we break up with a person.

This isn't to say you are not a special wonderful human being, I'm just saying that you are having a typical reaction as a human being will have in your shoes.

There is no easy, one fix solution. It is a processes, an often slow, painful process that when you are living it feels like it will never end. However it does end - eventually. And after this process you will look back on it and most likely be amazed that it didn't last as long as you felt it was lasting when it was happening.

One of the ways I deal with grief is I go build something. I built the entertainment system after my father-in-law passed on. The act of 'creating' something after something was lost helps me to regain something of my 'old self'.

Perhaps you have something 'creative' that you can do, something that you can focus on that gives you control and 'build' a 'replacement' for what was lost?

I also turn to things like yard work when I am emotionally upset. There have been years where I have pruned and trimmed the shrubbery to the point that the shrubbery shivered in fear when I walked outside the door. It is physical activity that still allows me 'control' over something I can control, thus I am not focused on that which I cannot control. It is also 'creative' in that the end product usually looks better than overgrown hedges...

Perhaps you have an outlet at your disposal, something that you can totally be on control of and focus on to replace that sense of loss control you have with this breakup?

Routine is important. Make a routine, a schedule and stick with it. Set meal times and eat something, set time for study and at least go through the motions of doing your study. Take back control in your life on thing at a time, these are things you can control, control them.

Ultimately you will be ok - I do not know when, but eventually, hopefully soonish.
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[SIZE=4]I told you I had the body of a 25 year old....

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#4
Kyle Wrote:I stay awake till 7 or 8 am and listen to some songs which make me even sadder. I am putting some photos of me and my ex and watch slide shows, read history of our conversations, basically things which I shouldn't be doing and won't help me at all.

I think you really need to stop doing all these, Kyle. The more you do it, the more depress you will become.

As Dfiant said, you need a closure.

Don't blame yourself and even your ex for the breakup. Even though the reason of the breakup could possibly be him. Just let it go.

You need to say goodbye to the past and just open a new chapter. No excuses whatsoever to look back. Stop going to club and pub for a while and do something different. Go sight seeing around the country or something alike.

Don't worry about guys, there are plenty of fish out there. Mr. Right will pop out in front of you when you least expect it.
#5
Kyle Wrote:Hello,

Well, I guess most of you know my story and if not it's just few threads down.

So I have this after break up stage in my life and find it really hard to deal with.

I'm an exchange student and living abroad what was my one of dreams and I love traveling and I do travel a lot but I can't enjoy it.
I'd never believe if someone told me few months ago that in the end of the year I'd be single and sad.

I guess my problem is that I can not see my ex boyfriend, I can not meet and talk to him to make it over eventually in my head. It's like I tell myself it's over but then I start day dreaming what if something changes when I go back.

My roommate is from Russia and he goes back home almost every weekend and I really feel down because when I come to my room there is no one to say hi, or ask how was my day.

I stay awake till 7 or 8 am and listen to some songs which make me even sadder. I am putting some photos of me and my ex and watch slide shows, read history of our conversations, basically things which I shouldn't be doing and won't help me at all.

I don't have desire to meet anyone here. First of all I don't want to meet any guy now, secondly I am gonna be here for only two more months so new relationship is pointless, and thirdly I don't need a sex date either, I don't even masturbate. I don't have any sexual desire somehow.

I don't eat well, sleep for a whole day, skip almost all of my lectures and me living here is a big fail because I don't even study.

What makes me feel a bit better is to meet my friends, talk unstoppable so I have no time to think and I recently I go for a shopping a lot and buy bunch of things for my family, (and for my ex as well. I think I will give this things to him when I meet him.)

Last thing, I don't like drinking alcohol. Every time I went to club or pub instead of forgetting my problems I start thinking about them much more when I'm tipsy.

Anyone been in the same situation? Any suggestions how to cheer myself up?

Kyle

Hi Kyle,

We haven't spoken but I am in exactly the same situation as you. I'm at university in England and have been going through a tough time since I went back as I am in my last year. I have had some negative stuff happen to me during this time. I'm guessing you just feel unmotivated all the time and like crap; and the ever growing number of assignments and times you have to study just gets too much. As for my relationship situation something happened to me (I won't post it here but I will pm message you if you want) which made me feel quite sad and to be honest I still do feel quite sad about it. I myself feel quite confused, I don't know if the work I am doing is good enough and why I feel so sad. Your least year at university is the toughest and you just can afford to mess up. Saying that I got quite ahead with my work so I can spare some time now and then to chill out. What I am trying to do is just focus on my work and let it drive me as I don't want to mess up. It might not work for you but try to forget about what has happened and put all of your potential and thought into your work, it will keep you busy and stop you going crazy (most of the time). I'm thinking about going back to the gym and doing my martial arts to get some of the aggression and destructive emotions I am feeling. I hope this has helped you out, I wanted to comment because I too know the pressures of university and the end of a relationship at the same time.

Feel free to personal message me if you need anyone to talk to.

Good luck and all the best.

mrk2010. x
#6
Hi Kyle!

I've been there, so I feel for you!

Last year I met my ex-bf who was a german student studying for one year in Cairo. It was my last year in university and I had to work on my graduation project and stuff. We were together for 5 months. Then when it was time for him to leave, we were not sure if we would ever meet again. So we decided to suspend the relationship. But deep inside I knew it was over. So I had to deal with the loss of my bf and getting graduated. Those were really the most devastating days I've ever been through.

So all I did was writing a long e-mail to my ex-bf expressing all my feelings towards him, good or bad and saying everything I couldn't say while we were together. In other words empty your mind and heart in that e-mail and send it to him. Trust me it will help you a lot feel better. In the end of this e-mail I also told him that we both should move on as we had no future together, and if we were meant to be together again one day we would be no matter what.

Then afterwards, try to distract yourself, make new friends, not just guys, girls too, volunteer, help people, learn a new language, ..... You'll totally get over any bad feelings.

I wish you the best of luck Smile
#7
its just the holidays
days and or weeks into the new year you will find it manageable.

find a friend to show you around town
#8
Kyle , right now you are your own worst enemy.
You need to move on from the pain before it eats you up.
If you dwell in the past you will not be able to see the present let alone the future.
Just like when you are driving a car if you keep looking in the review mirror all you will see is where you have been,you will not see what is ahead and miss the whole trip.

A broken heart is can be as devastating as depression and just as debilitating.
Move past the pain sweetie, it won't be easy , but you have to do this for the sake of your emotional well being.

When you do meet up again , there will be plenty of time to talk .
#9
Hello Guys, I'm back.

I read your posts and then didn't come here for some days, I wanted to have something good to say later. I'm not feeling fine but I haven't cried and I have listened to those songs fewer times and I went to club and even though I didn't go wild I didn't sit with a sad face. I passed one exam too. I think I will be better soon someday, still I'm not sure what I want and what is better to do with my boyfriend. I'm trying to forget him somehow and accept break up but then this "if this, if that" thoughts come to my mind.
I have stopped checking his Facebook page all the time and try to focus on other things, what's hard is that I always find him everywhere. On Facebook when I'm on my profile page, he is always in my top friends, I have him in every album, He's on my desktop, in almost every folder, whatever word I search in my mail there are our messages. I still have combination of my and his birthdates as my account passwords. That makes whole thing to forget him very difficult but I don't want to delete anything and I am lazy to replace all the files.

I am very glad and thankful to everyone who replied and showed me support. In this time of my life everything posted by you means a lot for me and I always feel like answering everyone.

dfiant Wrote:You need closure, and from reading what you are saying, I think you have already figured that out too.

You can have a good chat and know in your heart that the break up is the right thing, then you can move on.

Yes, dfiant. I do need a closure and it's very hard to get one hen we can't meet in person and we haven't spoken on phone or elsewhere for months.
To be honest after break I was feeling better than now because then we were chatting almost everyday, chatting like friends and recognizing him as my friend and not boyfriend was going ok. Recently he hasn't talked to me at all and then I started missing him and that was what depressed me again.

Few days ago I sent him a message that "it was painful to see nobody was tagging me next to him on Facebook when I could see his best male friend and his girlfriend tagged together in every post. Then I said I was kinda competing against them because we started dating at the same time as they did so I always wanted us to be a better couple in some ways." Like we used to go to clubs together and it was nice, me and my boyfriend always started complaining with each other that was not fair they could kiss publicly and we couldn't. Then we went to holidays together in a big seaside city where there are lots of clubs and sea is dirty and his friend and girlfriend went to a village where there is no fun and clean water and then we met up and all these meetings were so fun. And he replied saying the same that he thought we would last together longer and he liked this competition between us two couples." But reality not always matches our expectations.

If I ever believe break up with him was a right thing then I'm done and not gonna worry anymore because that's what I don't believe in now.

I have analyzed ourselves and our relationship and the problem is that we are on different stages of our lives. I started dating since 17/18 and I had all the fun and all kind of sex and that doesn't excite me anymore and in the age of 20 I feel like I want to settle down. I know I sound like 40 year old man but that's my problem, I'm looking for a life-long partner. He started dating in the age of 20 and he did want to have a serious relationship but now he realized he hadn't have fun yet so he went back to the stage when you just have fun and try new things out.

The reason I can't move on is that I'm afraid my future won't be as bright as my past year was. I have made a perfect guy out of him in my mind. He's very handsome and very intelligent. You can find more handsome guys, probably models but you can''t find those two together so easily. He graduated university with the GPA of 4 and has been one of the best student in whole country and now he's so young and he works for a huge bank and he has amazing chances to get promoted and he will. So I had made an image of my perfect family with him and I was delighted how organized and planned person he was, someone who knows what he wants from life and gets it, and now I am very doubting I can find someone like him and I know my character I won't be happy again until I find someone like him or better if possible which is very not realistic and that scares me I will never be happy again. Just some hot guy can't make me happy. I need someone who is better than average in everything and can be a successful person and a lovely boyfriend.

I went to far than just answering you but I had to express this.

Bowyn Aerrow Wrote:There are 5 steps to the grieving process:

Denial
Anger
Bargaining
Depression
Acceptance

Divorce/breaking up is harder to cope and deal with than death. After all in death it is pretty final - we know there is no going back, no 'redoing it' no 'second chances'. When we break-up/divorce we tend to try to bargain our way back, seeking ways to go back to the way we were... Oh I don't know, buying that ex presents in hopes to win back that lost love.

Perhaps you have something 'creative' that you can do, something that you can focus on that gives you control and 'build' a 'replacement' for what was lost?

And after this process you will look back on it and most likely be amazed that it didn't last as long as you felt it was lasting when it was happening.

Thanks Bowyn Aerrow. I always found you very helpful with your advises.
God knows how many times I went to these stages and never reached acceptance one.One day we'll get back together or I will just accept it and that will happen.

To tell you about presents, I'm not buying them anymore and didn't buy them to win his heart. I just wanted someone to take care so going and buying things just made me feel like that someone existed.
Yeah, I agree to recover from death fo someone special must be easier in a way that it's over and that's it and after break up you re full of the though how to get him back or what's better for you etc.

Gardening is fun and I'd try that but here I can't and can't think of any creative physical activity to do but I have found one, traveling and I planed everything and I really focused on it. So if everything goes alright I will visit three more countries in January because I was feeling so bad I planned and planned and it turned out to be a huge European trip. Smile

True. I came here back two weeks after break up but it felt like two months. so I agree with that, this period feels longer then it really is.

Jay Wrote:You need to say goodbye to the past and just open a new chapter. No excuses whatsoever to look back. Stop going to club and pub for a while and do something different. Go sight seeing around the country or something alike.

Don't worry about guys, there are plenty of fish out there. Mr. Right will pop out in front of you when you least expect it.

You are such a nice person Jay and sweet! Thanks for your words.

mrk2010 Wrote:Hi Kyle,

We haven't spoken but I am in exactly the same situation as you.

What I am trying to do is just focus on my work and let it drive me as I don't want to mess up. It might not work for you but try to forget about what has happened and put all of your potential and thought into your work, it will keep you busy and stop you going crazy (most of the time). I'm thinking about going back to the gym and doing my martial arts to get some of the aggression and destructive emotions I am feeling. I hope this has helped you out, I wanted to comment because I too know the pressures of university and the end of a relationship at the same time.

Feel free to personal message me if you need anyone to talk to.
mrk2010. x

We haven't spoken before but I'm always glad to talk to new people.

I guess you understand me very well as long as you have been in the same situation.
I'm trying not to go too deep in my thoughts about my past relationship and it's been working for lat days so gonna keep on. Thanks for commenting and sharing your story, I'll send you PM tomorrow and let's have a little talk.

sacredcake Wrote:Hi Kyle!

I've been there, so I feel for you!

So all I did was writing a long e-mail to my ex-bf expressing all my feelings towards him, good or bad and saying everything I couldn't say while we were together. In other words empty your mind and heart in that e-mail and send it to him. Trust me it will help you a lot feel better. In the end of this e-mail I also told him that we both should move on as we had no future together, and if we were meant to be together again one day we would be no matter what.

I know how it feels when you tell him, move on, don't be sad, actually you are saying this to yourself.

I like this method of expressing everything and emptying your heart. I'm not going to send him e-mail but even before break up I was making a video about our relationship, and I'm going to finish it and send it.

pellaz Wrote:its just the holidays
days and or weeks into the new year you will find it manageable.

find a friend to show you around town

Trust me if you in my situation you really don't care about holidays, if other thoughts are stronger you don't feel Christmas coming at all.
And I've been living here since August so there is nothing to see around what I haven't seen.
I am trying to help myself with the help of GS guys and that's working so far.

Rainbowmum Wrote:Kyle , right now you are your own worst enemy.
You need to move on from the pain before it eats you up.
If you dwell in the past you will not be able to see the present let alone the future.
Just like when you are driving a car if you keep looking in the review mirror all you will see is where you have been,you will not see what is ahead and miss the whole trip.

A broken heart is can be as devastating as depression and just as debilitating.
Move past the pain sweetie, it won't be easy , but you have to do this for the sake of your emotional well being.

When you do meet up again , there will be plenty of time to talk .

You are absolutely right and I know it but as I said above it's very hard to give up.
I shouldn't be looking in the review mirror but it feels like I just passed a beautiful bush of flowers and I want to see it again. while I'm not sure if I see more of them on the way.

They say time cures everything and at some point it really does so I'll be fine.


Now irony is that I just came from farewell party and you know what? While I was feeling very lonely inside and my self-esteem was so low I got award as "Mister Perfect 2011." All of the students voted for me and that was so surprising. Bunch of people were hugging me and congratulating me and showing their love. I guess they remember old Kyle always smiling and telling jokes, so I strongly want to become like that again.



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