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Found out new date has a dark past... advice
#1
Hey Everyone,

27 year old male- I've been trying to take the dating thing very slow... going on 'dates' with a few guys... no kissing or anything... just to see who I like best. I messaged a guy on a popular dating site, and he seemed generally interested in me. We talked for four hours each, two nights in a row. Our first date was pretty nice- he even reached in and kissed me. Even though I was trying to just take it slow, it was a pleasant surprise. Right after the date, he texted that he took his dating profile offline, and that he really liked me. We met up again shortly thereafter, and due to the romantic feelings at the time, fooled around. I normally don't move that fast. He proceeded to say that he still really liked me, and he was off the market- doesn't share well. Should that have been a red flag?
Excited about my new prospective, I did a search for him online... turns out that he has a dark past in the area of 'non-violent' jailtime. I was shocked. Upon calling him up and out on it, he said he doesn't like to discuss it, and it was a good time ago- is working very hard to forget that and better himself. I'm cool with forgiveness, and all, so I understood. He messaged me that he was an emotional wreck- crying and needing his friends to talk to him, after I asked him the question about his past. We saw eachother another time... to which I still feel he is a nice guy with a lot in common (media and humor-wise) with me. We are supposed to get together tomorrow... however, I am now having doubts. Should I have tons of alarms being sounded in my head right now? He likes me way fast after only a few dates... has a past he doesn't want me to discuss... cried when I asked him about it... said he doesn't share well.
What are your opinions? I have a very big heart, and I feel that trying to break it off would be hurtful. Should I give him more time... or should I look out for my best interest?

Thanks!
#2
Welcome to GS!Confusedmile:
I think your thread got lost.

My initial reaction would be go with your gut. Instinct is there for a reason. There's nothing wrong with taking things back down a notch. Maybe continue dating other guys the way you originally were?

A few dates and messing around does not constitute a relationship in my eyes so you don't owe him anything. I'm rather blunt and don't like people playing games with me, so the secrecy would be a real turn off for me. Not that I would expect someone to tell me everything on a first date, but when confronted I would expect them to be able to honestly discuss things.

Would it be possible to share what the non-violent jailtime was for? I can understand someone wanting to move forward from the past, but they have to learn to deal with people having questions. That is his problem and one he will need to learn to deal with especially if it's out there in public record.

Is he employed? What has he done to improve himself?

As a prospective partner you have every right to ask for information to ensure YOUR safety. You have to separate feeling guilty/bad because someone cries with having common sense and protecting yourself from possibly getting mixed up with someone who could ruin the rest of your life.

The whole "don't share well," possessive stuff would bother me more. Is this going to apply to your spending time with friends? Is he going to be outrageously jealous of you spending time with any one but him?

I think you are smart in the way you've handled things so far.

I hope more people comment and give you some different perspectives.
[COLOR="DarkSlateBlue"]Deep wells must be dug
If you want clear water
Rose-red oh Rose-red
deep waters don’t run still

~ Rammstein - Rosenrot[/COLOR]

Intuition will tell the thinking mind where to look next. ~ Jonas Salk

You don't shine by putting out someone else's light.
#3
Hey there, Azulai!

Thanks for the insight. I feel as if, because of my conscience, I am trapped. Part of me does want to get to know him better at a slower pace... part wished I took things slower with him by not fooling around... and part wants me to break things off with him.
I have other guys that are interested in getting to know me as a person- and it doesn't seem like there is a rush from any of them to get intimate or anything like that... more down the road if things work out in each of our favor.
The things he did in the past were, according to him, because he was in the wrong place at the wrong time/not technically his fault, but he is owning up to them. Theft and something similar... leading to over a year in jail. This stuff, according to him, is in his past and he is trying to better himself- wants to finish school, lives on his own, works a lot in the hospitality industry.
On our third date, he gave me a list of all of the free time he had to see me in the coming week. I told him that the next day didn't work due to me having plans with friends (I didn't, but quickly made plans with friends)... and he asked, "Would I at least be able to see you the next day?" I had to cancel that day, also, due to legitimate family issues... he understood but asked, "will I be able to see you at all this week?" I think he actually said again that he didn't share well on that date.
Clinginess aside, he is really kind, or at least seemingly so. It is nice to have someone be interested in me without having to worry if they are sleeping around... but still, I'm just not sure. He has tooons of gay guys I recognize from dating sites on his facebook, too.

any more advice?

Thanks again!
#4
I would personally be inclined to give him the benefit of the doubt, especially if you otherwise like him. People make mistakes, and if he doesn't want to talk about it, most likely he did something stupid a long time ago and is embarrassed by it. You obviously have a right to your safety, as azulai pointed out, but his jail time was for a non-violent offense, and he is obviously upset and embarrassed enough by it to suggest that he's learned his lesson. He did his time, paid his debt to society for whatever it is he did, and is now entitled to the pursuit of happiness just like the rest of us are. You might check the sex offender registry just to be on the safe side, but assuming it bears no fruit, I vote for giving him a chance.
#5
part of over coming a bad is to at least accept its existence. If he is not willing to share, i think its very bad.

if he is not wanting to tell you about it toss him to the curb. Kinda harsh; sorry.
#6
Hi int ,
Welcome to GS.

First let me say that Ignoring the nagging feeling you have in your gut, is not they way to go.
It is there for a reason , take notice of it .

With the information that you have supplied, and the fast pace that this is developing.
It pretty much screams possessive , I have to agree with azulai on this one.
#7
I'd be in 2 minds about where to go from here if I was in your position, so I can understand your trepidation.

For me it would depend on the crime that was commited that led him to the situation he found himself in. If I felt it was a crime that could personally impact me if the crime were to be repeated, like fraud or abuse, then I would take it no further. But that is me.

As it has already been said, your best indicator is your gut instinct, if you feel threatened or uncomfortable, then that is something that is not going to go away, it will always linger as a thought and would bring nothing good into a relationship.

If it is something that you could truely and honestly forgive and forget, then a relationship could work.

Yeah, it really comes down to your gut instinct and in any case you would be 100% justified and right for protecting your own self interests what ever direction you go. Wink
#8
While learning specifics might change my mind, I'm actually more concerned about (and would be worried by) his emotional fragility than having messed up (presumably) years ago.
#9
hey everyone... thanks for the kind and well-thought replies. To give a little insight, he has theft, larceny, and forgery on his record. has spent over a year in jail and is still on a short string. however, that doesnt bother me as much as the whole 'i dont share well, we are off the market, i could see you everyday,' things that he has said to me after not even a week. also the fact that he cried apparently and shut down when i tried to find out about his past. im just conflicted really. i like parts about him, but the fact that he just sent me a text asking me to spend the night tomorrow night is creeping me out too. hahaha. thanks again
#10
Ahhh...so it is the clingy thing that is bothering you...yeah seems a bit much after a week to me as well...but advice is still the same...trust your gut instinct and do what is right for you.


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