05-29-2014, 05:47 AM
Gay Relationships: The Top 10 Secrets of Successful Gay Daters by Dr. Brian Rzepczynski, The Gay Love Coach
Dating can be like a roller coaster ride sometimes with its fun highs and frustrating lows. Ever wonder why some guys have more luck with the dating game than others? Ever contemplate what it takes to become more successful with men? Well, thatâs a tricky business and thereâs no scientific formula that will yield those positive results. I believe dating is partly luck and LOTS of preparation.
Part One of this article will count-down the first 5 out of 10 characteristics that are common to the profile of a successful gay dater.
The list goes on beyond this as well, but these qualities can provide a starting point for you to assess your possible strengths and weaknesses as a single gay man on the prowl for your Mr. Right and to develop goals for self-improvement that will maximize your efforts out on the dating scene.
Profile Of A Successful Gay Dater:
10. He lives a life that he loves with a clear vision of his future and is armed with self-knowledge and awareness.
Itâs critical that you avoid defining your whole life around dating and finding a boyfriend. This is just one aspect of your life and you donât want to neglect and avoid the other parts of your identity. Know who you are, what you want, and where youâre going in your life.
Develop a crisp, clear vision of how you want to be and the type of life youâd like to lead and succinctly define your personal values, passions, and life purpose and live according to them. Look and feel your best! And remember, âThe Law of Attractionâ states that like attracts like; what you put out there and show the world has the tendency to attract the same back to you---and that goes for dating too!
9. He knows his personal requirements and refuses to tolerate anything less.
The best defense that you can have in the midst of all those men to choose from is to know what your non-negotiable needs are; things you absolutely must have or absolutely cannot have in a relationship for you to be with that particular guy. This will help you weed through the potentials and the Mr. Wrongs. And donât sway from your requirements, no matter how hot he is! Youâll be saving yourself a lot of grief in the long run.
8. He has a solid knowledge of what constitutes a healthy relationship.
Be aware of the ingredients of a healthy partnership. This can help you detect any red flags in your dating relationship that might be âdeal-breakersâ or areas that the two of you could work on together. Such qualities include each person having a strong sense of self with solid boundaries, open communication, flexibility, commitment, ability to have fun, capable of non-defensive conflict negotiation, having emotional connection and intimacy, affection, sexual compatibility, etc.
7. He has a strong support system, access to resources, and is comfortable being alone.
Itâs important when your single to have a good friendship network going (they can be great match-makers sometimes) and have a circle of people in your life who support you and care about you. Additionally, become knowledgeable about the resources that exist in your community for LGBT individuals as additional components you can add to your network. And learn creative ways for coping with loneliness by utilizing this alone time for self-reflection, relaxation, and movement toward your personal goals and vision.
6. He has overcome a lot of the male socialization barriers that can interfere with relationship quality of life.
âMen are tough. Men donât cry. Men donât show emotions.âYou know, all those mumbo jumbo messages all of us men, gay and straight, had to internalize growing up. These scripts that are supposed to define manhood limit our ability to live freely. As a result, many gay relationships tend to be highlighted by competition, status, power/control struggles, and lack of effective communication skills and expression of feelings.
Put two men together in a dating situation with the same socialization scripts, and these are relationship killers! Define for yourself what being a man means, develop comfort with your masculinity and gender, and donât be held back by these prejudicial sanctions.
5. He has addressed any issues pertaining to internalized homophobia, feels a sense of acceptance and pride with being gay, and has overcome a lot of the gay stereotypes and myths that abound about gay men and dating.
Coming out isnât for everyone, but the more accepting you are about your sexual identity, the greater quality of life you can experience. You donât have to live a double life any more, you no longer have to lie or hide behind secrets, you can live with less fear and stress, and your self-esteem tends to be higher in most cases. Itâs not an easy feat, howeverâthereâs years worth of shame to work through, but for most people the journey is beneficial as they can then live more authentically and truly be themselves. Dating and relationships can be made difficult without a resolution to this, particularly if both men are in different places of the coming-out continuum.
Additionally, itâs important to counter any myths or stereotypes about homosexuality because these can be limiting as well. âAll the good ones are taken.â âGay relationships donât work.â âAll gay men want is sex.â âI have to be a stud to land a man.â âGuys will come to me.â If you believe any of these statements and the many others that exist, recognize these as misinformation that can be confusing and distort reality and work hard at challenging and defeating such negative self-talk so that they donât get in the way of your goals.
4. He knows what dating means and how to do it instead of just having sex.
For many gay men, having sex and/or jumping into a relationship too early is a common phenomenon. Because of our homophobic society, we were never taught how to date, so gays donât typically have pacing rituals or milestones like our straight counterparts do for dating. This, coupled with relief after years of isolation and having a strong need to feel loved/wanted/connected, fuels us to rush intimacy too quickly and establish premature connections without knowing more about the other guy. Itâs important to build a foundation first as this helps us make good choices. Learn how to pace and slow things down by learning how to add courtship, flirting, and romance to the mix.
3. He is emotionally and physically available and ready for love.
Have the time and space to invite a person into your world. It will be difficult to establish a connection with someone if your time schedule is too booked up. Also be ready emotionally by ensuring youâve resolved any baggage from your past or addressing any current personal issues that may distract you and sabotage your efforts at love. And most importantly, be yourself! Donât be someone that you think he wants you to be. Donât mold yourself around someone just to be in a relationship. Youâll end up resenting him and yourself for your dishonesty. Remember to live by your personal requirements and have your own individual identity.
2. He has a well-rounded repertoire of dating skills and knows how to use them.
Dating skills include such things as knowing where to meet men (pick venues aligned with your vision!), being assertive, having good communication skills, being able to initiate and maintain conversations, differentiating between guys who are cruising vs. serious dating candidates, knowing how to flirt, etc. The more developed you are in these types of skills, the more savvy and confident you will feel when in social situations and youâll be more magnetic!
1. He is a go-getter and takes charge of his life. He makes things happen!
Nothing will happen in your life unless you take the proactive steps to make changes. This is not an easy task, especially if youâre shy or hesitant because of past efforts that didnât work out, but you have to be the chooser and take risks. In most cases, things will not fall in your lap. You will need to do the work involved in making your vision become a reality. Whether it be combating procrastination or dealing with fears of rejection, conquer your anxieties directly. And do it NOW! The more you run or avoid anxiety, the stronger it gets. And donât put your life on hold either. One man once told me, âIâll start dating after I lose weight.â No! Live your life to the max now while youâre working on such goals. Thereâs no greater loss than postponing living your life.
Conclusion
So there you have it! Ten areas where you can assess yourself on the successful dater scale. Dating can be fun AND challenging, so the more prepared you are for inviting love into your life, the greater the chances of victory. Identify the strengths and weaknesses you may have from this profile and make a commitment to yourself to develop goals for improving up your weak spots and follow through with them. While itâs not foolproof, you will greatly improve your chances in the dating pool and youâll also be strengthening your personhood in the process, adding more value and richness to your life. Your Mr. Right is out there. Now go get him!
Dating can be like a roller coaster ride sometimes with its fun highs and frustrating lows. Ever wonder why some guys have more luck with the dating game than others? Ever contemplate what it takes to become more successful with men? Well, thatâs a tricky business and thereâs no scientific formula that will yield those positive results. I believe dating is partly luck and LOTS of preparation.
Part One of this article will count-down the first 5 out of 10 characteristics that are common to the profile of a successful gay dater.
The list goes on beyond this as well, but these qualities can provide a starting point for you to assess your possible strengths and weaknesses as a single gay man on the prowl for your Mr. Right and to develop goals for self-improvement that will maximize your efforts out on the dating scene.
Profile Of A Successful Gay Dater:
10. He lives a life that he loves with a clear vision of his future and is armed with self-knowledge and awareness.
Itâs critical that you avoid defining your whole life around dating and finding a boyfriend. This is just one aspect of your life and you donât want to neglect and avoid the other parts of your identity. Know who you are, what you want, and where youâre going in your life.
Develop a crisp, clear vision of how you want to be and the type of life youâd like to lead and succinctly define your personal values, passions, and life purpose and live according to them. Look and feel your best! And remember, âThe Law of Attractionâ states that like attracts like; what you put out there and show the world has the tendency to attract the same back to you---and that goes for dating too!
9. He knows his personal requirements and refuses to tolerate anything less.
The best defense that you can have in the midst of all those men to choose from is to know what your non-negotiable needs are; things you absolutely must have or absolutely cannot have in a relationship for you to be with that particular guy. This will help you weed through the potentials and the Mr. Wrongs. And donât sway from your requirements, no matter how hot he is! Youâll be saving yourself a lot of grief in the long run.
8. He has a solid knowledge of what constitutes a healthy relationship.
Be aware of the ingredients of a healthy partnership. This can help you detect any red flags in your dating relationship that might be âdeal-breakersâ or areas that the two of you could work on together. Such qualities include each person having a strong sense of self with solid boundaries, open communication, flexibility, commitment, ability to have fun, capable of non-defensive conflict negotiation, having emotional connection and intimacy, affection, sexual compatibility, etc.
7. He has a strong support system, access to resources, and is comfortable being alone.
Itâs important when your single to have a good friendship network going (they can be great match-makers sometimes) and have a circle of people in your life who support you and care about you. Additionally, become knowledgeable about the resources that exist in your community for LGBT individuals as additional components you can add to your network. And learn creative ways for coping with loneliness by utilizing this alone time for self-reflection, relaxation, and movement toward your personal goals and vision.
6. He has overcome a lot of the male socialization barriers that can interfere with relationship quality of life.
âMen are tough. Men donât cry. Men donât show emotions.âYou know, all those mumbo jumbo messages all of us men, gay and straight, had to internalize growing up. These scripts that are supposed to define manhood limit our ability to live freely. As a result, many gay relationships tend to be highlighted by competition, status, power/control struggles, and lack of effective communication skills and expression of feelings.
Put two men together in a dating situation with the same socialization scripts, and these are relationship killers! Define for yourself what being a man means, develop comfort with your masculinity and gender, and donât be held back by these prejudicial sanctions.
5. He has addressed any issues pertaining to internalized homophobia, feels a sense of acceptance and pride with being gay, and has overcome a lot of the gay stereotypes and myths that abound about gay men and dating.
Coming out isnât for everyone, but the more accepting you are about your sexual identity, the greater quality of life you can experience. You donât have to live a double life any more, you no longer have to lie or hide behind secrets, you can live with less fear and stress, and your self-esteem tends to be higher in most cases. Itâs not an easy feat, howeverâthereâs years worth of shame to work through, but for most people the journey is beneficial as they can then live more authentically and truly be themselves. Dating and relationships can be made difficult without a resolution to this, particularly if both men are in different places of the coming-out continuum.
Additionally, itâs important to counter any myths or stereotypes about homosexuality because these can be limiting as well. âAll the good ones are taken.â âGay relationships donât work.â âAll gay men want is sex.â âI have to be a stud to land a man.â âGuys will come to me.â If you believe any of these statements and the many others that exist, recognize these as misinformation that can be confusing and distort reality and work hard at challenging and defeating such negative self-talk so that they donât get in the way of your goals.
4. He knows what dating means and how to do it instead of just having sex.
For many gay men, having sex and/or jumping into a relationship too early is a common phenomenon. Because of our homophobic society, we were never taught how to date, so gays donât typically have pacing rituals or milestones like our straight counterparts do for dating. This, coupled with relief after years of isolation and having a strong need to feel loved/wanted/connected, fuels us to rush intimacy too quickly and establish premature connections without knowing more about the other guy. Itâs important to build a foundation first as this helps us make good choices. Learn how to pace and slow things down by learning how to add courtship, flirting, and romance to the mix.
3. He is emotionally and physically available and ready for love.
Have the time and space to invite a person into your world. It will be difficult to establish a connection with someone if your time schedule is too booked up. Also be ready emotionally by ensuring youâve resolved any baggage from your past or addressing any current personal issues that may distract you and sabotage your efforts at love. And most importantly, be yourself! Donât be someone that you think he wants you to be. Donât mold yourself around someone just to be in a relationship. Youâll end up resenting him and yourself for your dishonesty. Remember to live by your personal requirements and have your own individual identity.
2. He has a well-rounded repertoire of dating skills and knows how to use them.
Dating skills include such things as knowing where to meet men (pick venues aligned with your vision!), being assertive, having good communication skills, being able to initiate and maintain conversations, differentiating between guys who are cruising vs. serious dating candidates, knowing how to flirt, etc. The more developed you are in these types of skills, the more savvy and confident you will feel when in social situations and youâll be more magnetic!
1. He is a go-getter and takes charge of his life. He makes things happen!
Nothing will happen in your life unless you take the proactive steps to make changes. This is not an easy task, especially if youâre shy or hesitant because of past efforts that didnât work out, but you have to be the chooser and take risks. In most cases, things will not fall in your lap. You will need to do the work involved in making your vision become a reality. Whether it be combating procrastination or dealing with fears of rejection, conquer your anxieties directly. And do it NOW! The more you run or avoid anxiety, the stronger it gets. And donât put your life on hold either. One man once told me, âIâll start dating after I lose weight.â No! Live your life to the max now while youâre working on such goals. Thereâs no greater loss than postponing living your life.
Conclusion
So there you have it! Ten areas where you can assess yourself on the successful dater scale. Dating can be fun AND challenging, so the more prepared you are for inviting love into your life, the greater the chances of victory. Identify the strengths and weaknesses you may have from this profile and make a commitment to yourself to develop goals for improving up your weak spots and follow through with them. While itâs not foolproof, you will greatly improve your chances in the dating pool and youâll also be strengthening your personhood in the process, adding more value and richness to your life. Your Mr. Right is out there. Now go get him!
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