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May I rant on your shoulder please?

If anything, this only pisses me off more because it tells me that those sorts of people just don't fucking learn. Its their sexual proclivities and unchecked lusts that lead to this sort of thing happening.

One would think that getting positive would be a clue to change certain behaviors....

No, he got sick and rewarded himself with lots of free sex on the side. While I got punished for HIS behaviors. No, that don't fly. If anything it makes me seriously consider seasoning his food with rat poison.
I agree that it should be a big blazing sign telling them to change their behavior. I can understand the flip side to a degree, but only if they were to tell their negative partner that they felt more comfortable with only positive partners and, things were settled with the negative partner BEFORE they went and found a positive one.

I know that if I were in your place, I'd feel like he burned me twice over, first by obviously not being monogamous and getting HIV in the first place, then by not making any effort to change his ways even though you stood by him even after he tested positive.
I have a mix of anger and depression going on. I have been spending half of my time in bed 'mopping' and the other have raging at everything.

I know, last time I had to go through a breakup, for a good week I was either mopping in bed or, trying to burn the barrel off of my AR-15. I went through a good 15000 rounds on my target range that first week. I wrote whatever I was upset over on the targets and blasted them to tiny bits. (and one picture of my ex while I was at it,)

I can only imagine how hard it would have been had he still been here. I gave him the semi day one and, he was gone by noon of the second day after we decided to split.

I wish I could make it right for you.

You've been through more than anyone should ever have to deal with already. I know, me too but you know why we get all of this piled on us? Because we are the strong ones, we can handle it, and come out the winners. Older, wiser and a little more jaded every time, but anyone that can beat death can beat anything.

Whatever else you do, take care of you first. We're here for you, even that can only be in spirit.

I know you aren't Wiccan, but I am so, here is my prayer for you.

Great Mother, you of infinite love and grace I, your Wiccan son Byron, call upon you in the name of David so that he may be healed as quickly as possible.

Give him spiritual assistance to mentally overcome all that pains or troubles him, lift his spirits, and give him hope and confidence so that he can be well and whole again.

Bless his body with restorative energy and lighten the stressful load, calm his emotional pain.

Bring Harmony to his body, mind,and spirit.

Ensure that he receives the care, support and love that he needs.
I know that you will do this for him. I am confident that he will recevice what is needed, and more.
In the name of the lord and lady, so mote it be.
I have nothing of value to add having no experience of this sort, especially after all the insightful thoughts offered by others here. Just wanna say I've been following this thread since the start and I feel for you, whatever that's worth. I just hope you can get whatever you can out of this sad situation and come out better for it.
Miles Prower Wrote:I have nothing of value to add having no experience of this sort, especially after all the insightful thoughts offered by others here. Just wanna say I've been following this thread since the start and I feel for you, whatever that's worth. I just hope you can get whatever you can out of this sad situation and come out better for it.

Yup, that's about all I want to say as well.
Bowyn, I'm a total newbie, registered so I could respond. I went through something similar a few years ago. Partner of 5 years. He was a grad student, and I had a full time job while attending school. I started and finished while he was still working on his thesis. Each year, it was a new profile, suspicious emails, phone died, at the library at midnight. I've seen all the excuses and heard all of the apologies. I convinced myself that the more I did, the more he'd grow up. Took him 4 years for a 2 yr program, yet he had no job. I wanted to stand by my commitment. He was enmeshed in my family, friends, my whole life.

But it never stopped. There was never a straight acknowledgement. All of his reveals only came due to evidence (and that was a struggle). Once i realized how deep the crap ran, it hit me like a ton of bricks. I ended it. Quit my job and hit a depression. A wasted 5 year relationship based on lies and stress. I never strayed and you could time your watch by my arrival time. faithful, diligent, supportive, all of it. I felt used "emotionally". I cycled from depression to self-pity to rage constantly.

He promised that he had changed. i took him back 3 months later. It started again within 3 months. Same story, never changed.

Then it ended permanently. Not because he was a lying cheating c**k chasing hoe bag. But because i couldnt spend any more days cyberstalking his every move, reading internet temp files, decrypting emails, and guessing passwords. I was completely paranoid and embarrassed. I hated going in public with him for fear we would encounter some back alley hookup as i stood blindly by like old yellar. I was no longer myself. It was consuming me. Naturally, the week he moved out, he was in full effect of his old tricks. Confirmed that i made the right decision. a hard one, but the right one.

5 years later, we're still friends. He asks to reconcile often. it'll never happen. the primary reason is because he lacked empathy and respect for me at the time. thats a part of who you are and you dont grow into it. lack of a conscience is not to be dismissed lightly.

You will continue to feel a plethora of emotions. You may shut down. IMO, I'm much happier without him. dont get me wrong, im miserable because the dating world is weird, but i'd rather make my own misery than to have it caused by an emotional leech.
Hey Cav, some excellent advice, thanks for sharing your heartache with everyone on here. Welcome to the forum!
Bravo, Cav!

So, i guess at the end of the day, to quote Dan Savage - IT DOES GET BETTER!

Hang in there...try to find a support group (to be there for you NOW and to support you moving forward... not just for bashing him).

hope you keep us updated on your new journey!
What Bob said.

Move forward, and upward when you are ready. Just no more downward allowed okay? We'd all hate to see you go there again. (and you know where that is).

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