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May I rant on your shoulder please?
*nod* I figured that was the case, you're too much like me in some ways to do anything I wouldn't do.

There comes a point for some of us when more therapy is nothing but a repetitive waste of time and money. We know what we need to do and, we just need time to get to a place where we can do it. When we do, we'll do it on our own, work through things and, eventually be able to let it go and move on. But we do it privately and that's fine.

I know, if you haven't been there, you don't understand how critical it is for us to maintain that outward veneer of being okay no matter the personal cost. It's a survival mechanism for some of us that reaches a lot deeper than someone who hasn't been there realizes. No one close to us can ask us if we are okay because, if they do we have two choices. Lie and say that we are or, trash our dignity and tell them off for even thinking we might be okay - of course we aren't. We can't do either, so that question can never be asked. Beyond that, we know it's past shows of vulnerability or weakness that got us hurt and, we won't let that happen again either, we can't take any more pain like that.

On the flip side of that coin, we've also tried keeping it all inside entirely, and know that will inevitably destroy us, we've already destroyed ourselves that way. We know we can't allow that again either because we learned a thing or two the last time, and if we went there again, we wouldn't come back.

No more professional therapist, no reaching out to family or close friends around us and no bottling it up entirely leaves but one option, reach out to those we feel we can trust to some degree that are at a safe distance, and not a major part of our day to day lives and, discharge in our own private ways be that writing and deleting or burning letters no one will ever read, building something we really don't need, firing enough rounds on the shooting range to make people wonder if a war has started, finding a quiet place on the beach or in the woods, away form everyone and everything to just let go, or whatever it is we need to do to release some of the internal stuff safely.

David, you know your strength better than anyone, you know what's safe for you and where to turn when someone else just has to listen. I know you're fighting those wrong turns with all you have and, you're going to win this one, and I know you know where to turn when you need someone to listen to some of this stuff. You'll make it through, stronger, and even more confident that this old world isn't going to keep you down because you won't let it. You're not going to let this mess destroy you, and you aren't going to have to sacrifice your morals or dignity to get through it.

Even if it doesn't feel that way now, you'll come out of this better and wiser, and, I honestly think this is the last time you'll let something like this happen to you. Not that you won't ever get into another relationship, you probably will but, you won't let anyone, for any reason tear you down, hurt you or betray you more than once ever again.

This time the blinders are off and, they will stay off. As deeply as you are capable of loving and trusting, and as good as that feels, you will do it without putting the blinders on again and, more than any material gain or loss through this, that's what is going to matter the most. You can be the man you truly are and, do it without letting anything tear you down like this again. When the clouds melt away and the dust has all settled, you'll know you can thrive from this day until your last and, beyond.

How do I know that? Because from what I am hearing, you're were I was the last time I let this world take me down. Simply put this is it, you can't take anymore, this cannot happen again and, that's where our top notch skills and knowledge of what we need to do for ourselves and for those we care for really kicks into high gear and we simply do it and never look back.
Been away a few days and the whole conversation has flared up... A lot to read through, so for the moment, David... hope you're ok. Best wishes from me.
princealbertofb Wrote:Been away a few days and the whole conversation has flared up... A lot to read through, so for the moment, David... hope you're ok. Best wishes from me.

I'm ok-ish -
:biggrin: Hey ,-ish is a big improvement. maybe not time to celebrate a win yet, but getting there. Smile

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