01-25-2017, 06:47 PM
Maybe my English is not very well though.
So like I said, Iâm from Russia, and thatâs a very hostile place for a gay person. Of course Iâm in the closet and I doubt Iâll ever be able to come out. Iâm dreaming about leaving Russia and starting my life in another country but when I think about it logically, I donât see how this could work out, because I donât have any relatives abroad and I donât think Iâve got what it takes to build a life from a zero in a foreign country all alone. The friends that I have are not actually my friends . Theyâre only my friends because they donât know the real me. If they knew Iâm gay, theyâd hate me in a minute and Iâd probably get beaten up.
Not a single person knows Iâm gay, I cannot tell it to anyone. I find it harder and harder to avoid all these questions âwhy donât you have a girlfriend?, why are you alone all the time?, when will you have a girlfriend?â Soon I'll be just 20 but everyone expects me to date girls. My dad is like âcome on, donât be shy, bring that girl over, let your mum and me meet her, I know youâve a girl, I know you doâ One of the guys I know, I donât want to call him my friend, because, like I said heâs not my friend, is trying all the time to hook me up with his girlfriendâs friends, like âyouâre shy, so let me help you, theyâre beautiful, youâll fall in love instantlyâ I feel like Iâll run out of excuses soon.
Another guy asked me "man, you're not fag, are you?" I asked "why would you say it?" because you couldn't tell I'm gay by my appearance if we talk about stereotypes. He was like "it's just that I know you so long and I've never seen you with a girl, never heard you talking about girls, you've never shown any interest in girls" I said I just don't feel like dating right now and he said "it's ok, I'm asking because, you know, this disease is spreading all over the world, I was worried you might have caught it too" Many Russians believe that being gay is a mental disease.
My father is talking like " I can't wait when you'll make your old man happy by getting married and having children. I'm so looking forward to play with my grandkids" or " you know, son, the main thing a real man needs to do is to find a good wife" Whenever I tell him about some new activity I'm involving in or if I'm going somewhere, he's always like "will there be any hot chicks?" and I hate these stupid jokes of his about booze, big boobs and sex.
My mother is basically the same, she doesn't say idiotic jokes but still is like " a man cannot survive without a woman, you'll see when you get married"
I love nights when everybody's sleeping and I don't have to listen to bullshit. I've started to experience insomnia and I'm crying often. This forum is the only place when I can tell all of my emotions and everything I have inside but I don't want to even think about what would happen if someone found out I'm using it.
Sometimes I just wish to yell at everyone that I'm gay and they need to leave me the hell alone but then I realize that would mean the end of my life. My parents would probably throw me out of the house and I don't have a single friend who wouldn't be homophobic. So I continue to keep quiet and suffer at the same time.
Sometimes I honestly feel like Iâm the only gay person in the world. I feel so very alone. Everyone is about girls and girls only. And if I told the truth to those people I know, my life would turn into a hell. Getting to know someone in the Internet is dangerous as well, homophobes are creating fake profiles to catch gay men and when you go to actually meet the person, you might find a bunch of guys instead who are there to beat you up.
Sometimes I honestly think about suicide. I donât think I could actually do it but I think about it a lot. I donât believe Iâll ever have a boyfriend or even a person that I could be honest with. I wish for someone whoâd understand me, someone together with whom I wouldnât have to pretend, someone that I could tell everything to. I have to carry this secret inside of me and listen to stupid homophobic remarks and jokes from everyone around me. Every day is difficult. When I wake up I realize I need to lie again and if I don't lie, things might end very sadly for me. I'm not sure if I want to live anymore.
So like I said, Iâm from Russia, and thatâs a very hostile place for a gay person. Of course Iâm in the closet and I doubt Iâll ever be able to come out. Iâm dreaming about leaving Russia and starting my life in another country but when I think about it logically, I donât see how this could work out, because I donât have any relatives abroad and I donât think Iâve got what it takes to build a life from a zero in a foreign country all alone. The friends that I have are not actually my friends . Theyâre only my friends because they donât know the real me. If they knew Iâm gay, theyâd hate me in a minute and Iâd probably get beaten up.
Not a single person knows Iâm gay, I cannot tell it to anyone. I find it harder and harder to avoid all these questions âwhy donât you have a girlfriend?, why are you alone all the time?, when will you have a girlfriend?â Soon I'll be just 20 but everyone expects me to date girls. My dad is like âcome on, donât be shy, bring that girl over, let your mum and me meet her, I know youâve a girl, I know you doâ One of the guys I know, I donât want to call him my friend, because, like I said heâs not my friend, is trying all the time to hook me up with his girlfriendâs friends, like âyouâre shy, so let me help you, theyâre beautiful, youâll fall in love instantlyâ I feel like Iâll run out of excuses soon.
Another guy asked me "man, you're not fag, are you?" I asked "why would you say it?" because you couldn't tell I'm gay by my appearance if we talk about stereotypes. He was like "it's just that I know you so long and I've never seen you with a girl, never heard you talking about girls, you've never shown any interest in girls" I said I just don't feel like dating right now and he said "it's ok, I'm asking because, you know, this disease is spreading all over the world, I was worried you might have caught it too" Many Russians believe that being gay is a mental disease.
My father is talking like " I can't wait when you'll make your old man happy by getting married and having children. I'm so looking forward to play with my grandkids" or " you know, son, the main thing a real man needs to do is to find a good wife" Whenever I tell him about some new activity I'm involving in or if I'm going somewhere, he's always like "will there be any hot chicks?" and I hate these stupid jokes of his about booze, big boobs and sex.
My mother is basically the same, she doesn't say idiotic jokes but still is like " a man cannot survive without a woman, you'll see when you get married"
I love nights when everybody's sleeping and I don't have to listen to bullshit. I've started to experience insomnia and I'm crying often. This forum is the only place when I can tell all of my emotions and everything I have inside but I don't want to even think about what would happen if someone found out I'm using it.
Sometimes I just wish to yell at everyone that I'm gay and they need to leave me the hell alone but then I realize that would mean the end of my life. My parents would probably throw me out of the house and I don't have a single friend who wouldn't be homophobic. So I continue to keep quiet and suffer at the same time.
Sometimes I honestly feel like Iâm the only gay person in the world. I feel so very alone. Everyone is about girls and girls only. And if I told the truth to those people I know, my life would turn into a hell. Getting to know someone in the Internet is dangerous as well, homophobes are creating fake profiles to catch gay men and when you go to actually meet the person, you might find a bunch of guys instead who are there to beat you up.
Sometimes I honestly think about suicide. I donât think I could actually do it but I think about it a lot. I donât believe Iâll ever have a boyfriend or even a person that I could be honest with. I wish for someone whoâd understand me, someone together with whom I wouldnât have to pretend, someone that I could tell everything to. I have to carry this secret inside of me and listen to stupid homophobic remarks and jokes from everyone around me. Every day is difficult. When I wake up I realize I need to lie again and if I don't lie, things might end very sadly for me. I'm not sure if I want to live anymore.